


monochrome

by Leutik



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: A little bit of angst, College AU, F/F, Miscommunication/Lack of Communication, Parenting Project, babysitting a robot child, confident!shelby, creepy teacher!gretchen, helpless!toni, idiots to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 51,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29465748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leutik/pseuds/Leutik
Summary: shelby is majoring in education, toni in sports management.they both end up taking the parenting course, and are assigned partners for that semester's project.or: babysitting a fake baby and falling in love in the process au
Relationships: Dot Campbell/Fatin Jadmani in the background, Martha Blackburn/Marcus in the background, Rachel Reid/Leah Rilke in the background, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 100
Kudos: 519





	1. first week

**Author's Note:**

> a few things that are very superfluous, you can just skip them if you want
> 
> 1) i have no idea how the american school system works, all my knowledge comes from other fics and very quick google researches - so it's very likely gonna be a mix between the european and the american one.  
> 2) excuse me all my mistakes, english is not my first language etc etc.  
> 3) its gonna be mostly or exclusively toni's pov.  
> 4) the idea is for each chapter to cover a week + epilogue, BUT we'll see. lord knows consistency isn't my strong suit.  
> 5) my resolution is to keep this fic as light and comic as i can, but its way out of my usual angsty style, so ill see what i can do
> 
> that said, hope yall enjoy this.

« Welcome everybody to the second semester of this parenting course. Forget the theoretical approach of the first one, because your finals are going to be a report on what you learned through _experience_. » 

Toni has no idea what she’s doing here. She’s a sport management major, the dream of a basketball scholarship down in the sink right next to the piss she washed from her hands, after that little accident in high school — accident that cost her the scholarship, the dream of becoming a professional athlete, kicked her out of the team during her last year of high school.  
Now here she is, barely making it with her minority scholarship. It makes her sound like a loser in her own head, but Toni is still grateful for that. And because she has to get at least fifteen credits, the easiest optional course left was the parenting one. The first semester had been quite easy, covering what parenting skills are, the dynamics of discipline, and all that. Her mid-term went great, as Toni learned every information and repeated it like a machine. Growing up in foster care provided her with multiple models of parenting, and how they affected her always changing siblings. Toni only needed to study the technical terms, as she was very familiar with the mechanics of it. So, yeah, her midterm went great, as she scored the second-highest score in the class. Right after Shelby Goodkind.

Toni doesn’t _hate_ her. If she turns a blind eye on the primadonna attitude, the pick me energy, the ton of makeup and fake tan, the golden obnoxious cross necklace, the plastic smile perennially plastered on her face — then Toni might also take a liking to her. Toni doesn’t objectify women, but she’s not actually blind — despite how she wishes to be, when she notices all the above while looking at Shelby Goodkind — and because she’s not, she’s _seen_ Shelby. She has beautiful eyes, a great ass, perfect curves and all that. A cliché, right? Toni knows that the only way she can like-like Shelby is if she’s naked and with tape on her mouth, to prevent her to pray in the middle of whatever Toni is yet again daydreaming of and hello, is that Shelby coming late for her first lesson?   
Toni doesn’t want to, but she smiles instinctively. A little revenge, for nothing in particular except being so Shelby.

« So, you’ll be paired up in order of your mark on the midterms, so that there won’t be only one doing all the work. Rearrange your seats. »

Toni witnesses in horror as Martha stands up and walks towards a guy in the first row. That’s so stupid, and Toni wishes she could tell the teacher that, because that way of sorting the pairs is just bad for the second half of the list. Shelby Goodkind and her ponytail walk towards her, and Toni makes the mistake of looking at her, because she’s smiling that fake three thousand watt smile that Toni would just like to punch away from her.

So she goes for a tight smile, one she’s sure looks more like a grimace, as she sinks in her seat. God, it’s gonna be such a long semester, she can’t help but think.

Shelby looks in front of her, notebook on the desk and four different pastel colour highlighters next to it. Toni scoffs to herself, but Shelby doesn’t falter.

The teacher walks through the desks, dropping what looks like dolls, while explaining: « You’ll take care of this baby and document the experience for the next three months. It’s fake, of course, but it’s high tech and it cries when neglected. You’ll keep a journal too, writing down what the hardest and easiest parts are. »

The teacher hands Toni a baby doll too, and Toni mutters a « Thanks. » before putting it on the space between hers and Shelby’s desks. Shelby immediately picks it up, as if it was alive, and sure, it’s realistic enough, but Toni still feels the gesture a bit stupid.

« You know it’s a robot, right? »

Shelby hold the baby against her torso with one hand on its back and the other behind its head, as per standard procedure while holding babies, as if it wasn’t a fucking robot. Toni just rolls her eyes at Shelby’s scolding expression.

« What part of “cries when neglected” didn’t you understand? » Shelby tells her, and it has a bit of bite to it, which makes Toni look at her once more. Mildly surprised, mildly interested.

« What part of “it’s fake, of course” didn’t _you_ understand? »

After that they don’t talk for the rest of the lesson, Toni pretending to be paying attention to the teacher’s indication, stealing occasional glances at Shelby who is- oh my fuck, Toni thinks, is she actually rocking the toy? She snickers, and she shouldn’t have, seen how badly they started, and if Shelby’s scowl is any indication, she shouldn’t have in her opinion too.

By the end of the class Toni stands up, very ready to get as away as possible from there, when she feels Shelby’s grasp on her wrist.

« Where do you think you’re going? »

« Uh, to my dorm? »

« You need to do your share of the project. »

« Okay, I’ll do even days and you’ll do uneven, or whatever. I’ll pick it up tomorrow. » Toni is positive that’s a good compromise, but Shelby is still holding her in place, and Toni doesn’t like what that might mean.

« Give me your number then. »

It’s quick, and it sounds like a different scenario entirely, that Toni is thankful for not remembering her own number by heart, so that she can busy herself with picking her phone. She writes her number with one of Shelby’s pencils in the first page of her notebook, under Shelby’s borderline angry gaze, and Toni smiles to herself for annoying her with that too.

She waves from her back while walking out of the room, with a bad feeling in her chest. She should have picked any other course for her last three credits, she knew it. She didn’t even want to become a parent.

Toni spends the rest of the afternoon going through some notes, a bad feeling sitting in her chest. She hopes this project won’t take too much of her time.

**day one, week one**

It’s the next morning, and Toni is having breakfast with Martha.

« Marcus is such a bland name though. » She’s commenting, as Martha finished her half an hour rant on how amazing her project partner has been.

« You’re so lucky you got paired up with Shelby. You know she’s majoring in education? This is exactly her field. »

« No, education is her field. It’s different from parenting. Also, I think she’s hysterical. She acts as if it was an actual baby. »

Toni feels her phone buzz, she unlocks it and sees from the notification preview that it’s an unknown number.

 _“Text me where you are. I’ll drop you the baby.”_ _  
_ _“I’m Shelby.”_ _  
_ _“Your parenting project partner.”_

It’s way too formal, and Toni feels that bad feeling again. As if she shouldn’t interact with Shelby. She has tons of things Toni can’t stand, but she’s not quite ready to discover Shelby’s bad personality too.

“don’t bother, i’ll pass by”  
“whats your dorm room”

After Shelby’s reply Toni says goodbye to Martha and starts walking towards Shelby’s block. It’s a sunny Tuesday march morning, the birds are singing, her stomach is full, the flowers paint the campus with colours. Toni’s bad feelings fade away, as she plugs her earphones and some lofi beat plays. That’s one thing she picked up after the pee accident, switching from her rock-metal genre to a less aggressive one, under her social worker’s advice. Toni is working to get better, and she knows she made so much progress.

Still, Toni isn’t going to have children. What does she know about parenting?

By the time she’s in front of Shelby’s door it’s ten in the morning. She knocks, as she hears muffled crying behind it.

Behind the door Shelby appears holding the crying toy, and for some reason, Toni feels guilty. Father that went out two years ago to buy the milk kind of guilty. She grabs the toy the moment Shelby shoves it against her chest, and Toni wishes she didn’t, but she too puts a hand on its back and one on the back of its head, as per the standard procedure. The toy’s weight is very similar to an actual baby’s, and it’s warm too. That gives Toni shivers, as the toy stops crying.

« Took your sweet time, huh. » Shelby comments, sighing, running one hand through her blonde hair. Now that Toni looks at her, with no makeup on, in sweatpants and a hoodie, hair let loose, she looks _gorgeous_. So yeah, she might be a pain in the ass, but at least now Toni knows that Shelby Goodkind won the genetic lottery.

« Do you wanna come in? » Shelby asks her, and Toni suddenly realizes she must be staring. So she nods, dumbly, taking a hesitant step in. Shelby’s room is unexpectedly messy, as everything from the outside would have suggested against it.

So Toni feels compelled to comment: « Your maid Lupe didn’t make it yesterday? » 

Shelby rolls her eyes, as she picks a few items from the floor, just to drop them on the desk chair.

Shelby extends a hand to her then, and Toni just stares at it. Does she want the baby back?

« I’m Shelby. Shelby Goodkind. »

« No shit. We spent three months in the same class, remember? »

Shelby retracts her hand, looking a bit more annoyed than before. « Look, I think we started with the wrong foot. »

But before Shelby can suggest anything, Toni is already walking her way out. « I’ll bring you this thing back tomorrow. Text me when. »

Toni doesn’t know why, but by the time she’s unlocking her dorm room, she’s still holding the toy as if it was an actual baby. If it’s high tech, then it has some pressure sensor, or heat sensor. Perhaps Toni can find a way to hack the system and keep it from crying. She looks through her closet and takes the smallest shirt she can find. On top of that she puts another one, then another, and goes on until there’s enough layer to heat-insulate the toy with the same heat it produces. Then Toni puts it between the wall and the back of her chair, to provide pressure.

Just to annoy Shelby, she takes a picture and sends it to her, with the caption: “you might wanna gift me the ‘best mom ever’ mug”

It’s fifty minutes later, so Toni is pretty sure Shelby had a lecture, when Shelby answers with a photo of herself facepalming. Seconds later Toni receives a text too: _“Make sure to take photos that won’t undermine the project too.”_

Toni rolls her eyes at her strictness, but she takes a moment too long to appreciate Shelby’s selfie. If Shelby won’t buy her the best mom mug, Toni might buy Shelby the milf one.

She takes normal pictures too: she takes a few items from the toy, holds it and takes a picture of the two of them. She creates a folder and files the photo there with the day and the hour. Knowing Shelby, if she doesn’t she’ll be grounded with the toy.

Thinking about it, Toni chuckles to herself and looks at the thing. They made it to have light green eyes and blonde synthetic curls, and its eyes close and open rhythmically, when it’s not programmed to sleep. Its chest also moves, simulating breathing, and the more Toni looks at it, the more realistic it looks. It’s covered in a layer of a soft material, and it’s thick enough to make it feel as if it was a bit chubby like infants are.

Toni throws the thing across the room. The toy starts crying even before the impact, and Toni rushed to take it to make sure she didn’t damage it. Only god knows what Shelby might do to her if she broke it, or how much she’ll have to pay for that stupid thing.

Toni got scared. And when Toni gets scared, there’s no lofi chill beat that can calm her down, her aggressive impulses just behind the corner.

Shelby infected her with her hysteria, because right after she picks it up, Toni holds it for the rest of the evening, and for the whole night too, as if it was an actual baby, and Toni just harmed it.

Toni is sure she will never ever be a parent.

**day two**

She still feels guilty, and it’s awful, by the time she’s in front of Shelby’s dorm at half-past seven sharp, because Toni has a class at eight. Shelby looks like she’s not that much of a morning person, hair not yet brushed and homicidal expression. She looks surprised upon seeing how careful Toni is handing her the toy, and Toni immediately takes a step back, as if holding the fake baby burned her hands.

Toni doesn’t say hi, she just walks away.

They go like that for a few days. Martha is crazy for how considerate her project partner is, and Toni has to remind her that she barely knows him. Shelby and Toni don’t talk, they just meet in front of Shelby’s door every morning, passing the toy. Toni wants to act like she’s supposed to. Like it’s just a piece of plastic and some sophisticated electric circuits, but she fails every single time. She sleeps with the thing between her arms, its softness and warmth drifting her to sleep. The thing hardly ever cries when it’s with her, but Toni has to remind herself that it has nothing to do with her being her. Toni has to remind herself that it’s a toy.

**day five**

_“What do we name them?”_

It’s dinner time, but Toni doesn’t really feel like eating. She’s watching a show next to the toy, and she just took a picture with the two of them and a cartoon on the screen, before switching it to a pg-eighteen crime show. Still, every time there’s a strong scene on screen, Toni finds herself covering the toy’s eyes.

She reads Shelby’s message and she realizes she’s imagined the toy to resemble a boy for this whole time.

“why? its not a real thing.”

_“It’s part of the parenting process. We might want to take videos too, show we talk to them.”_

Toni figures the easiest thing she can name the toy is something that sounds like “toy” or “robot”. So she texts: “tommy or robert”

_“I like Tommy. Short for Thomas.”_

Toni looks back at the thing. It feels as if it’s watching Toni back.

Toni is almost writing something, when Shelby writes something else: _“Thomas Goodkind sounds way better than Robert Goodkind.”_

“who told you he won’t be thomas shalifoe?”

_“Are you proposing?”_

Toni doesn’t linger on either texts: the fact that she used human pronouns, and the fact that Shelby just joked like that.

Smiling, she looks for a moment at Shelby’s selfie, and how different it looks from her profile pic. In the first, the domestic Shelby, in the second, the Shelby that looks like she walked straight out of a pageant show.

**day six**

Toni finds out Shelby really used to do pageants.

It’s morning, and because it’s Saturday, neither of them has any class to attend to.

It’s Shelby who asks her if she had any breakfast yet, and when Toni shakes her head — she was supposed to, but Martha ditched her for Marcus — Shelby asks her if she wants to grab a coffee with her.

« What about Tommy? » Toni asks, and she wants to kick herself as soon as the words leave her mouth.

« We can bring _Tommy_ along. » Shelby answers, looking too amused for Toni’s liking, handing her Tommy to put a jacket on.

« Or we can ask someone to babysit him and document how his mamas manage to make some time for themselves. » Shelby offers, and Toni knows it’s a joke, but Shelby _winks_ at her, and with that Toni wonders if the sexual innuendo was all in her head or not. Get a grip, she tells herself.

Tommy stays in Toni’s hands, as Shelby seems content to take photos of the two of them and intruding in a few of them too. He’s still dressed in Toni’s shrunk old shirts from badly gone first attempts at laundry, that she never made the time to throw away.

She tells Shelby that when she asks why Toni had children’s clothes to begin with, and Toni feels proud when Shelby laughs, despite it’s not a funny story at all.

The waiter takes a look at Tommy and looks as if it was the most normal thing in the world, to have an infant on campus. Toni wonders how the campus must have looked from the outside in the past week.

Toni doesn’t know what to say, so she recalls the first thing Martha told her about Shelby, as the two of them apparently were friends, and blurts out: « I read an article that said that education major is the easiest, gpa wise. »

Shelby looks slightly offended, and well, that was uncalled for, but Toni has never been good at small talking. The only other topic she can cover with Shelby is religion, if her necklace is any indication, and she truly doesn’t want to hear how Shelby isn’t that fond of the teacher’s choice of letting people of the same sex handling the project.

« I’m sure sports management is very hard instead. »

« How do you know my major? »

« Martha told me. »

« Of course she did. » Toni mutters to herself, as for some reason she feels slightly exposed, instinctively she takes a look at Tommy, to find him in the same identical status as before. Well, no shit Toni, it’s a robot, she reminds herself.

Toni sighs, as the waiter puts the two orders on the table and leaves. She extends a hand towards Shelby, after a minute or so of uncomfortable silence. « Toni Shalifoe. We started with the wrong foot, huh. »

Shelby looks at Toni’s hand, and for a moment Toni is afraid that she’ll serve her exactly what Toni did to her, a few days before.

But Shelby takes Toni’s hand, and Toni feels how cold they are, how smooth her skin is, how nice it feels to hold her hand. One shake, and Toni forces herself to retract her hand before she can look like a weirdo.

« So, why sports management? » Shelby asks, and Toni knows that this is her attempt at small talking in a decent way, and looking like an enjoyable company. She has no idea why she feels like she has to nail it, but she still does, and she still tries.

« I wanted to work in the sports industry, and being an athlete wasn’t an option for me, so sport management. » She doesn’t leave Shelby time to ask why she couldn’t be an athlete, as she asks straight away: « Why education? »

Shelby looks at her coffee, as if hoping to find the right way to answer in it. « Well, childhood is a very delicate time. It’s worse to develop a trauma during childhood than during adulthood, so I guess I just want to be where it is needed. »

It sounds like there’s much more behind it, but Toni doesn’t ask further. She comments instead: « I’m sure doctors are more needed than teachers. »

Shelby looks as if she was slightly disappointed, and Toni hates how she feels like she needs to make up for it. As if Toni wanted to be friends with Shelby, but no, she knows she can’t.

« Why didn’t you become a doctor then? »

« I never said I wanna be where I’m needed. I wanna do what I want, full stop. »

Toni knows how immature that sounds, but she sticks to it: she doesn’t find any sense in living by someone else’s book, so she might as well live by her own.

« Must be nice to think like that. »

« It is. »

More silence follows, one a bit more tense, and Toni feels as if they took one step forward and two backwards.

« If we want to nail it we should do what parents do. » Shelby starts, after zoning out on Tommy’s figure.

« That is? » Toni was served a silver plate for a dirty joke, but considering the position they’re in, she went for a safe question instead.

« Bringing Tommy to the park? I don’t know, I’ve never had a child. »

« Don’t you study education? »

« Different from parenting. »

Toni is grateful Martha isn’t there to laugh at her.

They end up in a park, taking a few pictures of Tommy on a children’s swing, buckled up and all. Shelby insisted it was Toni who pushed the swing, and she feels so fucking ridiculous, as Shelby laughs and takes a whole photoshoot.

They walk in the park for some more, the midday sun kissing them, making them squint a bit, Tommy in Shelby’s arms and Toni with her hands in her pockets, walking side by side with her.

« What kind of parent are you? » Shelby asks her.

« What do you mean? »

« You know, the four types. Authoritarian, permissive, uninvolved and authoritative. »

« What’s the difference between the first and the last? »

From Shelby’s detailed answer with case scenarios, Toni takes that authoritative is better.

« How can I know? I never had a child. » Toni just answers. She has no idea what kind of parent she would be either, because what can she base on? The closest thing she had to a family, apart from the Blackburns, was her high school basketball team, but being the captain meant being authoritarian.

« Do you plan to? Have children? »

For some reason, Toni feels guilty for not wanting any, so she just retorts the question to Shelby. « Do you? »

Toni didn’t expect her long pause. « We’ll see. » she just answers, and doesn’t sound convincing at all.

Seeing how Shelby got just a little darker, Toni blurts out, hoping to lift the mood: « You just need to find another model looking guy and your kid will be fine. Everyone loves a good looking person, as elitist as that is. »

It takes Toni a second, and Shelby’s comment, to realize what she just confessed. « First of all, I’m flattered that you think I look like a model. » Then Shelby proceeds to explain to Toni what physiognomy is, and how it’s one of the reasons people take appearance in such great consideration — and with that Toni knows even if education was an easy major, Shelby surely is everything but stupid.

« Besides, I don’t think I’ll give birth to my children. Artificial insemination feels a bit like the easy way out, when there’s adoption. »

Toni’s eyes snap to look at Shelby, who just looks amused by Toni’s sudden interest. Ignoring Toni’s unspoken question, Shelby carries on: « I mean, I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with the artificial way per se. It’s just that the reasons I’ve heard to support it are a bit egoistical, like “adopted children are harder to handle” and “I want my children to look like me”. No, Jennifer, you don’t want to pass your comprehensive ability and lack of empathy to another being. There’s overpopulation, thank you very much. »

It’s a short monologue, and Shelby feels like holding the whole park in her hand, kissed by the sun, with a toy that looks a bit too much like a kid, like _their_ kid, in her arms — and Toni is rapt. Because Shelby is smart, and is also funny, and there’s still Toni’s unspoken question hanging in the air.

Still, Toni looks impressed and chuckles to herself: « Yeah, Jennifer, fuck you. »

And with that useless contribution, Shelby is laughing as well.

They have lunch together, where Shelby teases Toni, explaining how she exploited her model-like looks to make a career in pageants, and Toni hates herself for blushing of embarrassment, trying to save herself insulting some other parts of Shelby, despite how difficult that reveals to be. It falls on something lame like Shelby’s choice of becoming a pageant girl in the first place, and Shelby teases her for that too.

They don’t plan to, but they end up spending the afternoon together too, on the bench outside of the takeout they had lunch from, sitting there for hours until the hair gets chilly, the sun starts setting and their watches read seven pm.

**day seven**

It’s different, when Toni picks Tommy up, Sunday morning. Shelby is ready to go to the campus’ chapel for the service, and that’s enough to suggest Toni that her unspoken question of the previous day — that was why Shelby needed to adopt or have artificial insemination — calls for a different answer. Toni pushes away the faint hope that Shelby might be gay, as having a sterile boyfriend sounds more fitting.

It’s different because Shelby has a more modest makeup than usual, sober-coloured clothes and looks happy to see Toni.

Shelby hands her the baby, and because Toni had nothing better to do, she offers to walk Shelby to where she needs to go.

In front of the chapel’s doors, Shelby asks her: « You can come in too, if you want. »

Toni laughs, and thinks that Shelby really needs to be straight, if her gaydar is _that_ off. « Nah, thanks, I’m good. Have fun with Jesus for me. » 

Shelby squints a bit inquisitive, but drops it, nodding to herself before disappearing in the church. Toni feels a hint of a bad feeling once more, but looking down at the toy, she feels a bit calmer.

That night Toni holds Tommy a bit tighter, as if the toy needed it, as if Toni was sure Shelby never slept with it in the bed with her.

It’s egoistic to adopt too, in Toni’s opinion. It’s egoistic to want children, and it’s egoistic to be stuck with unwanted children. Human nature is an egoistic one, and there’s no escape for it. That’s why Toni’s never going to be a parent.


	2. second week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i messed up last chapter and the week ended up having eight days. hope no one noticed. i had one (1) job, i know.

**day one, week two**

They have the parenting class on Mondays, and Toni guessed that from now on the classes would focus on the theoretical counterpart of the practical one they were already doing. But apparently she was wrong.

The teacher walks through the desks, collecting the toys they were supposed to bring — no one told her, how could Toni know? — while handing _other_ toys at the same time. What the fuck? Where do they take all the money?

Toni eyes Shelby, who looks a mixture between excitement and confusion, and why isn’t she panicking like Toni is? Different robots means having to think of different ways to hack them, and Toni isn’t sure she’ll be smart enough this time.

Probably feeling her eyes on her, Shelby looks back at her, and _smiles_. As if that was a good thing. Oh god, Toni can only pinch the bridge of her nose and hope someone broke one of the toys or whatever.

« For this second week, there’s an upgrade! » The teacher starts to explain, « For those of you who left your child home alone, I hope there’s someone babysitting them, » Shelby laughs, and Toni can’t help but think of how desperate of a teacher’s pet she is.

The teacher carries on, and drops one of the new toys on Toni and Shelby’s desk: « You can bring them back anytime during office hours. The first prototype served to make you bond with the child and let you in gently on your duties. This one has some new functions: you’ll have to feed it, change its diapers, and it’s so high tech that it can occasionally puke too when shaken too much. »

Toni feels like having a neurosis, as she looks at the hard plastic naked baby Shelby is holding. It looks way less realistic, and Toni can only guess that its texture was chosen to make it easier to clean from its goddamn puke.

Toni regrets taking this class every passing minute. Her eyes lift from the doll to the woman holding it, and Shelby looks like she’s having the time of her life, holding the baby and talking to it — Toni looks around to find comfort in someone, anyone that might find that fucking weird, like an imaginative camera, but finds most of the class in a state similar to Shelby. As if a general baby fever just spread out. Of puking, eating, crying and pooping robot babies.

« It’s a girl. » Is what Shelby chooses to whisper to Toni, as the teacher carries on with some more explanation on what to feed the robot in order not to break it.

Toni turns around once more, and Shelby is containing a laugh, as if they actually birthed the thing and she wanted it to be a girl.

« How do you know? »

« Well, Toni, what’s the difference between boys and girls? »

« Gender-wise or sex-wise? »

« It has female genitalia. »

« Why are you looking at robot genitalia? »

« Martha’s is a boy, look! » Toni’s eyes follow Shelby’s movement of the head towards the first row, and the naked toy Marcus is holding in a too gentle way not to seem psychopathic lets the sex to be revealed. They honestly had no business in making those toys gendered and it kind of freaks Toni out, but what Shelby is more concerned is:

« What do we name her? We can’t call her Thomas. »

« I already got used to it. »

« We have to cut the videos where we call her by her name. »

The fact that this doll has dark curly hair and dark eyes seems enough evidence that their robot didn’t actually grow, so even if they were to call it somewhere else Toni can’t see the big deal.

Still, since Shelby looks that crazy and Toni is getting slightly scared of her, she’ll let her choose another name.

« Fine. What do you wanna call her? »

« I always liked Ellie. »

« Short for Elizabeth or Eleanor? »

Shelby shrugged, « I just like Ellie. »

Toni doubts it’s a name on its own, so she looks up the meaning of the other two names. After a quick google search under the desk and Shelby’s « You’re not supposed to use it in class. » and Toni’s « What, I’m setting a bad example for the child? » she finds out that Elizabeth means “god is abundance” and Eleanor “god is my light”.

« You’ll be happy to know Ellie has the name god in it. »

« Really? »

« Yeah. I like Eleanor best. » Toni deliberates, locking the phone and shoving it back in her jeans’ pocket. Shelby nods, « Eleanor it is then. Eleanor Goodkind. »

« Eleanor Shalifoe sounds way better. »

« Elizabeth Shalifoe perhaps, but she’s Eleanor now, so she takes my last name. »

Toni frowns, not agreeing in the slightest, but de gustibus, so Toni crosses her arms and turns to face ahead. The teacher is explaining the temperature of the food has to be, what kinds of diapers to buy and other logistics. It felt odd enough that the university would spend so much money on a marginal project like that one, but now they were also going to waste food for a week and invest their own money on diapers?

Toni walks Shelby to her room, since Tommy is still there, so Shelby would keep Ellie for that Monday while Toni would return Tommy to the teacher. It’s weird enough following Shelby in her room while she’s holding a fake baby, and more so when they find another fake baby in it, crying in protest. Toni rushes to take it, and she facepalms internally when Shelby looks at her with a raised brow.

« It was annoying. » Toni tries to defend herself, but Shelby’s « Sure thing… » tells her it didn’t really work.

With each of them holding a fake child in Shelby’s still damn messy room, just a little earlier than lunch, it feels like Toni’s worst nightmare. Like those desperate housewives she used to hear about, alcoholists with several little screaming children because their abusive husband won’t fucking use protections. But Shelby looks calm, busying herself with taking her books from her backpack and preparing the notes she’ll have to study for the afternoon, as if having children could be normal. And the little smile Shelby offers Toni, after Toni has been standing there for a little too long to be acceptable, almost tells Toni that having children could bring people peace.

« Do you want me to bring Tommy to Ms Klein? »

« To who? »

Shelby rolls her eyes, « The teacher. »

Toni, now that she finally knows what her name is, shakes her head and walks out of the room, with a « See you. » on her way out.

It’s stupid, so fucking stupid, but Toni walks a bit more slowly on her way to Ms. Klein’s office. She looks at Tommy’s face, and how realistic it looks. They spent — Toni makes a quick calculation — almost a hundred hours together now. Hell, Toni threw Tommy across the room and didn’t even apologize to him.

So when Toni is in front of Ms. Klein’s office, she stops and looks both ways, to make sure no one is in the hallway to hear her. She sits on one of the waiting chairs, and holds Tommy in front of her, her old shirt still on him.

« I think- I think this is a goodbye, buddy. »

Of course the baby robot doesn’t answer, but it still tightens Toni’s heart how unaware he looks of the destiny waiting for him. Not that he can have emotion, of course, Toni knows it, on a rational level. Still, he looks just like Toni is sure she looked right before being thrown in the foster care system: unaware and at peace. Toni holds the toy a little tighter, and for just a second, she considers stealing it.

She does steal it.

She holds it against her chest as she runs downs the hallways, the occasional students eyeing her in a weird way, but Toni doesn’t fucking care, because she’s saving a baby robot from being thrown back in storage.

She hasn’t technically stolen yet, since they can return it until the end of the semester, but still Toni feels her heart pounding in her throat like it didn’t happen since that one time she accidentally stole the plastic container from a Burger King drive-in. And yes, she could have stopped by and return it, because Toni didn’t fucking need a plastic dirty container, but she felt anxious after committing her first felony to the point where she never drove near that place ever again.

Toni feels just like that, but worse, because this isn’t just theft, this is kidnapping, and what if there is a robot mama somewhere? Still Toni knows she made the right choice, because what responsible mother would offer their robot children to be treated as test subjects for college students.

Still running — or better, jogging, because it’s been more than a year since the last time Toni worked out for the basketball team, and she only has so much stamina — she finds herself in front of Shelby’s dorm room.

Of course her stupid subconscious would bring her there, perhaps hoping that Shelby would share her same sentiment and help her hide Tommy somewhere.

Toni lifts a hand, ready to knock on it, hesitating. What will she tell Shelby? We’ll switch babies, on even days you’ll keep Ellie and on uneven Tommy? Toni knows Shelby has her own lessons to attend to, her church service and perhaps also hobbies Toni doesn’t know a thing of, so it’s just cruel to put her in such a position. So Toni turns around, and walks back to her room.

She can do it. She can keep Tommy _and_ Ellie. And Toni is positive that because Ellie is so ugly — poor thing, it’s just that she isn’t half as soft and realistic as Tommy is, for practical reasons — she knows she won’t get half as attached as she is to Tommy.

**day two**

Toni is wrong.

She collected Ellie in front of Shelby’s room, that morning, and Shelby looked destroyed, as if she physically fought with the baby. It made Toni laugh, but Shelby told her that it was her turn now, and Toni got a little scared.

It was a lot to handle, at first. Shelby offered to show her how to prepare the milk, and because Toni had spent the previous lesson full of precious information looking up the meaning of names on mommysuniverse.com, she didn’t retain one single thing. But Toni was hiding Tommy in her room, so she quickly answered a « _No!_ » and because Shelby looked deeply confused, Toni blurted a: « Wouldn’t want you to infect it with your christian bullshit. » 

Toni still isn’t sure if that had been the right move, because Shelby looked slightly hurt, or better disappointed, and because she’s been trying to wipe this fucking robot for the past twenty minutes, getting all her desk all kinds of messy — Toni feels on the verge of puking herself — but it won’t just stop.

Ms. Klein didn’t tell her Ellie’s legs and arms could move.

Tommy is crying, and Toni knows she can put it against the chair like she used to do the first few days, but she really can’t find it in her heart, so she’s currently balancing him against her chest, a scarf holding him in place, tons of toilet paper on the desk to protect it from mechanically digested food that Ellie seemed to appreciate. It smells like rotten vegetables, and Toni isn’t sure if it’s better or worse than the smell of actual poop.

She’s regretting once more not asking for Shelby’s help and taking that class to begin with. But when Ellie has been cleaned in the shower in the least baby-proof way there is, but is now calm and dressed in a new diaper, Toni feels so fucking satisfied. Just like she did when she used to score a three-pointer, but _better_. Because she didn’t score for herself, for her career or for her teammates, but for Ellie who, as ugly as she looks, still has deep dark brown eyes and her little arms and legs are no longer moving in desperation.

Toni quickly wonders if Tommy will get jealous of her, and has to remind herself that those are fucking toys.

Perhaps Toni has some mental problems. Perhaps the whole class baby fever infected her too. Perhaps the whole class is acting out the baby fever, just to drive Toni mad, and leave her in the pit of craziness all by herself.

 _“Did you manage to change Ellie?”_ Is Shelby’s text, with perfect timing, who seems to bring sanity back in Toni’s damaged brain.

“yeah, im not five, thank u” Toni answers, and sends her a photo before taking a more professional one for the project, and one of her ruined desk too, just to have something as proof for when she’ll complain with Martha.

Just because, Toni takes a photo of the three of them, and keeps it in her private folder. Just in case she gets caught and is forced to return Tommy or Ellie.

That’s when she realizes she’s already thinking about kidnapping Ellie too.

_Fuck._

Toni skips the two lectures she had for the day, fearing Ellie would puke all over her bed while she was gone.

**day three**

Toni is glad to hand Shelby Ellie, because she’s pretty sure she messed something up with the meal preparation, judging by the way she’s screaming. Shelby opens the door, that morning, to that very scream, before Toni can even knock. She looks worried, and it’s such a pretty sight it makes Toni stand there awkwardly, unsure of what to do with her hands, as soon as they’re no longer holding Ellie.

« Did you change her already? » Shelby asks, leaving the door open, and Toni takes that as a sign to come in. Shelby pulls the diaper a bit to leave room for her to smell if anything happened, and by Shelby’s relieved face, Toni knows she hasn’t fake-pooped yet.

« Yeah, a few hours ago. » Toni woke up several times to take care of Ellie that night, and again, she was glad she was stuck only with Tommy for the rest of the day.

Shelby nods, and smiles sympathetically before turning the kitchenette she has on a shelf. Perhaps that’s what Toni messed up, as she just gave Ellie the ambient-temperature milk bottle, but she doesn’t have a kitchenette in her room, and she’d need to walk to the shared kitchen during the night. So, no, Ellie will have to make the cold milk work for that week.

« During the night is awful. » Shelby comments, in such a way that makes her sound so experienced, as if she had five children already and has been doing that for her whole life.

« Yeah, » Toni just answers, lips pressed tight, attempting a smile. She doesn’t know if she’s supposed to go, or what to say to excuse herself, and just as she’s ready to just tell Shelby she’ll see her later, Shelby asks her:

« I don’t think alternating days is a good method with this one. » Shelby starts, alternating her attention between the bottle, Ellie and Toni.

Toni hums, because if Toni had to skip a few lessons she could still catch up with, she could only imagine what Shelby had to leave behind the first day.

« Write me your schedule. » Shelby orders her, in such a quick and careless way that it sends _something_ to Toni. It’s stupid, because what the fuck, but Toni feels like one of those husbands who come back late at night after a long day of work and their wife won’t even look at them for how tired they are. And Toni really needs to stop with those domestic 1950s metaphors.

Because Toni is stubborn, and she felt that _something_ at Shelby’s order, she answers without even thinking about it: « Why don’t you write yours? »

Shelby raises a brow, and now that the bottle is being heated, she has her full attention on Toni. « Yeah, that was the plan. »

She pushed a sheet of paper and a pen. Toni feels a bit stupid for whatever took over her, but still she keeps eye contact until the last second, walking closer to Shelby, because she’s leaning on the desk where the paper is, before writing it down with a blue pen. Toni only uses black ones, but she won’t think about it too much.

Shelby writes her own on top of it, with a green one this time, and all those colours make Toni feel as if she was in elementary school all over again. She’s about to comment on it, when Shelby takes a red pen — there really is no need for all those colours — and circles their overlapping class, which seems to be only Ms Klein’s. Toni takes a photo of their new schedule, that reads Toni keeping Ellie tomorrow afternoon and the day after tomorrow morning, for starters.

After the picture has been taken, she looks at Shelby picking another colour — this time is pink, and who the hell has a pink pen? Toni is sure it’s scented or something — and circles the spaces where neither of them has classes.

« We have to split those? » Toni asks.

« That, or- » Shelby takes a moment, looking at Toni, as she shifts Ellie on her other hip in such a mom-esque style that has Toni internally screaming, « -we can both watch Ellie. If you want, that is. »

Toni would have loved to accept. Well, she would have loved to decline before that afternoon in the park, where her consideration of Shelby was one of an obnoxious privileged princess. Now that Toni has discovered that Shelby is an obnoxious privileged princess who happens to be funny and smart, she would love to accept. But there’s the Tommy situation, and only there, in front of a real Shelby holding a fake baby, looking at her with such concreteness, Toni is grounded enough to realize what a fucking abstract fantasy brought her to temporarily steal a toy to cope with whatever child trauma Toni still has left.

Toni is considering all that, as if she was watching her whole life flash before her eyes, ready to write her testament, and because of that, she’s taking so fucking long. Long enough for Shelby to say: « It’s fine, you can say you don’t want to. I know we’re just partners, it’s not like I think we’re friends all of a sudden. » Toni is grateful she didn’t speak suddenly, because that way Shelby told her what page they were on, and for some reason, Toni feels disappointed, even if that’s the exact same way Toni considers them. Project partners, full stop. Until Shelby adds, with a little more certainty: « But, well, I thought we could be. » 

Toni nods, a bit too quickly not to look pathetic, « I’d like that. » 

That afternoon is one where Toni has a class, thank god, and the first thing she does is returning Tommy to Ms. Klein, before Shelby can realize she stole a fucking toy as if it was an actual baby, and take back her wish to befriend a psychopath like Toni.

« Ah, Toni! Come in, take a seat. How is the project going? »

Toni never understood why Ms. Klein was her only teacher who called her by the first name and acted as if they were friends, but she ignores it like she always does, since she sees her so rarely.

Toni wants to answer that Ellie really poops, and thankfully she hasn’t witnessed her puking yet, and she’s picky with the milk temperature, but Ms. Klein is the one who’s going to grade them, so she just settles for a: « It’s going well, thank you. »

Ms. Klein takes Tommy when Toni hands him to her, and takes a good look at it. She looks pleased, and she takes the shirt out of him, hands it back to Toni, turns it around and _disassembles_ it.

Toni feels like crying. When Ms. Klein is done and Tommy’s batteries are on her desk, she throws it in a box under her desk with tons of other little robots. Toni looks at the scene with horror, as if Ms. Klein was the Pharaoh who killed Hebrew firstborns and threw their bodies in the sea. Toni doesn’t know shit about the bible, but she knows a good movie when she sees it, and The Prince of Egypt is one of her favourites.

« How are things going with your project partner? »

That’s a good question, because it’s only been a little longer than a week, and apart from that one time, they haven’t spent enough time together for Toni to take back her judgment on Shelby’s persona.

« Good, thanks. »

**day four**

Shelby has lessons in the afternoon, so Toni has to watch Ellie then, but they’re both free in the morning, and thank god Shelby seems to have some more brain cells than Toni does, because she’s been staring at her phone for the past twenty minutes, switching between staring at her photos, and trying to come up with a text. It’s Shelby’s _“Wanna hang out?”_ with a photo of her and Ellie on Shelby’s bed, that has Toni sitting up, suddenly ten times more awake.

It’s stupid to feel that nervous, Toni knows, because they aren’t even friends yet, and even if they did become ones, that was as far as Toni could go with Shelby. It’s even more stupid how Toni throws herself on the bed once more, as soon as she stands up, realizing that her little thought implies that Toni has been thinking about that. But she hasn’t, she swears, because they’re just project partners, and yeah Shelby looks great in a way that is almost annoying, but she is christian and she has a sterile boyfriend apparently and wants to be a teacher but not a doctor. Toni has no idea why she throws that in there, but she feels like she needs to talk herself out of that path with everything she can find.

She lists everything she used to hate about Shelby on her way to her dorm: the fact that she looked like the least authentic person Toni has ever met, the fact that she seemed the kind of person who would stab you behind your back if given the opportunity, the kind of person that looked like wasn’t able to think with her own mind.

Toni needs to drop the “used to”, if she wants that to work. But Shelby doesn’t look like there’s much more to her, many hidden secrets, so perhaps her cheerful attitude is really her way of being, and Shelby’s authenticity feels fake to Toni because she’s never met someone like her except for Martha, who is an exception that confirms the rule.

She knocks on Shelby’s door, and she hears a muffled « I’m coming! » on the other end of it, and that alone makes Toni’s heart jump a little in anticipation. Toni needs to do something about that.

The first thing Toni’s gaze finds is Ellie, still on Shelby’s bed, computer in front of her.

« We were just watching a movie. » Shelby tells her, and Toni still has a hard time if Shelby is joking or is borderline crazy just like Toni is. Toni hates herself, but that stupid cheesy song that goes “I like that you're broken, broken like me” comes to her mind. And yeah, that makes her a fool, because Toni might be lonely on the romantic front, but there’s a good reason for that, and she’s a hundred percent positive that Shelby is in very good company, so Toni can’t be “lonely with you”, whatever that even means.

« You okay? » Shelby asks her, looking at her with a raised brow, plopping back down on her bed.

« Uh, yeah. What were you watching? »

« Joseph king of dreams. »

That’s too much of a coincidence, and Toni would open the window and throw herself out of there, and perhaps throw Ellie too, because why not — but instead she blurts out: « The Prince of Egypt is way better. »

Shelby looks surprised and amused, and she doesn’t lose a beat commenting: « Toni Shalifoe, I never thought you’d be a religious cartoons fan. »

« I’m not. » Toni protests, but she sits down on Shelby’s bed nonetheless, upon Shelby’s patting, Ellie between them.

Turns out Toni forgot how fucking good parts of the movie actually are. If she could she’d make a collage of the best scenes of both movies, to make a masterpiece out of it. The slaves market scene? Amazing. The wife of the Pharaoh making advances on Joseph? Outstanding. The entirety of Asenath? Toni won’t even go there comparing her and Zipporah.

She doesn’t mean to, but by the time the credits roll, Toni actually blurts out: « They had no business making Asenath that fine. »

She hears Shelby chuckling, and suddenly Toni is reminded that she isn’t watching a movie with Martha or Regan, and she blushes at the confession.

« Even if I like Joseph king of dreams better, Zipporah remains the hottest character for me. »

Toni’s jaw drops, and Shelby laughs some more, and Toni really doesn’t even know where to start to unpack things. Because she walked to Shelby’s room with a list of things she was supposed to hate about her, and now she was finding out that they had similar taste in cartoons too? Toni knows Shelby is just teasing her, just like Toni has eyes and can tell if a boy is hot or not, even if she’s not into them. So she just lets Shelby’s comment be what it is, just a tease, and Toni is ready to tease her back.

« You like rebels then, huh? »

« And you like sweet arm candy women. »

Toni just shrugs, because thinking about it, it’s not a matter of looks: she has a soft spot for kind people. That sounds like her standards are very fucking low, but mommy issues aside, Toni doesn’t mean decent human beings kind of _kind_. She means over the top kind, altruistic people, people whose nature is just inclined towards others. And Toni knows that she’s as attracted as curious about it, because in a world like the one Toni knows, those kinds of people have no reason to exist.

**day seven**

Spending time with Shelby had been nice, Toni has to admit. Now that her only friend Martha was paying her less and less attention, perhaps Toni is biased in accepting every kind of human interaction, even if that meant having to spend time with Shelby Goodkind, whom she’d never thought capable of cracking a joke unrelated to religion until two weeks ago.

Toni isn’t jealous of Marcus, because god knows how much Martha needs to feel wanted, and Toni knows she deserves it. Toni can only hope this Marcus will treat her right, and that Martha won’t grow too dependent on him.

Toni is waiting for Shelby outside of the chapel, Ellie between her arms, as she glances at the two of them taking a coffee, their little robot child in Marcus’ lap. That was what got Toni in that swirl of thoughts, as her whole friendship with Martha passed before her eyes, from the first time Toni teased her about her jingle dance, and how their friendship started right then. With Martha’s kind explanation of why she did it, her origins, and Toni’s realization that Martha was over the top kind, altruistic, whose nature was just inclined towards others. Toni knew she had to protect Martha at all costs, for some reason, and Martha became her first friend. She had been her wingwoman with Regan, and the shoulder to cry on when Regan left. Her mother and she took Toni in, and Toni did her best to comfort Martha after she _found out_. Even if it only meant washing her bedsheets for her and pretending she believed that it was orange juice what was spilled, Toni was never taught how to comfort others, so that was her first attempt. Martha had been her whole life, and Toni isn’t jealous, because of that. Martha deserves the way Marcus makes her smile, and Toni knows that she can always beat the shit out of him if he tries anything.

« What got you so pensive? » Is Shelby’s voice what brings Toni back on earth, and she must look so serious, because Shelby sits on the half-wall next to her, in a hesitant manner.

Shelby must have followed Toni’s gaze, because she comments: « You’re very close to Martha. »

Toni doesn’t have to think about it, probably because she just spent half an hour going back the entirety of their friendship, as she hums a « Yeah. »

« You’re… you’re worried about her? » Shelby tries, and it makes Toni laugh how she sounds like she’s talking to a child.

Toni points that out: « I don’t need a mickey mouse band-aid, thanks Shelby. »

Toni sees Shelby nodding, but because she doesn’t look like she plans on standing up, Toni elaborates. Since they’re trying to be friends and all. « I’m just glad that someone noticed how good of a person she is. It’s crazy that there isn’t a line of suitors for Martha, knowing her. »

« Yeah, she’s really sweet. » Shelby comments, and she sounds like she’s shifting in Toni’s melancholic mood too, for some reason.

« How do you know each other? » Toni asks, and Shelby laughs.

« It’s because of you, actually. »

Toni doesn’t know why she never asked, and has no idea what she has to do with anything, so she’s very ready to listen to Shelby’s story.

« You didn’t show up to the first lesson of this course, so Martha didn’t know who to sit next to. My desk was free, so we became deskmates, for that one time. She talked about you the whole time, you know. How you probably just slept in, and how she had no idea how you would survive college, despite she was sure you would. »

Toni doesn’t really know how to feel about that because, first of all, Shelby just told her the story with such a smile that lets Toni know how fond she must be of the memory, and by extension of Martha too. The idea that Toni had been in Shelby’s mind for a whole hour, for how pathetic that sounds, feels so good to Toni, for reasons she won’t dive in probably ever, knowing herself. Then, Toni feels a bit sad for the fact that she walked the next week without knowing any of that, stealing Martha and thinking that it was granted that she would sit next to her. That’s some middle school kind of thing, to be jealous and possessive of her best friend, and Toni feels like she owes Shelby something, for some reason.

« We hung out to study before the mid-term together a couple of times too. »

« The three of us can hang out next week, if you want. » Toni offers, out of her debt feeling.

« We could invite Marcus too, since you keep looking at him as if you wanted to eat him alive. Plus, I’m sure you’re the kind of friend who does “the talk”. »

« They’re not even dating. »

« Not yet. »

And Shelby’s laugh, at what must probably look like horror on Toni’s features.

It slips past Toni how that kind of makes it a double date, until later that night, when she’s drifting to sleep.

Her dreams start to be polluted by the idea, by robots that look too much like babies, by Tommy coming to take revenge on her for abandoning him, and by Shelby’s pretty lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> both “tommy” and “ellie” are names of original character from unburnttkhaleesi’s “Oh, I can't Stop you putting roots in my dreamland” and meet_me_behind_the_mall’s “Just One Single Glimpse of Relief”. i just borrowed the names, there’s no intention to render their character here (mainly because here they stand for lifeless robots) but yeah i thought i could make up for my lack of creativity with a little easter egg/recommendation.


	3. third week

**day one, week three**

« Everything alright? » Shelby softly asks her, during their third parenting class, while the teacher is collecting Ellie and the other robots. Toni knows she’s acting weird, not looking at her, fidgeting with her pen, her leg bouncing. Toni is nervous, and she has a good reason to be.

Because that morning Toni woke up to a wet dream about Shelby Goodkind. And, sure, she always noticed the way her pants hug her ass, or the way she walks in that confident way, and her general attitude is Toni’s exact type. But daydreaming for five seconds before associating Shelby’s body with Shelby’s persona was one thing, having a full wet dream was another.

And Toni never ever remembers what she dreamed about, so why the hell just this one time the images printed themselves in the back of Toni’s mind like fire?

She hears Shelby chuckling beside her, and that really doesn’t help Toni’s case.

« What? »

« Don’t tell me Toni Shalifoe is gonna miss a toy. »

Toni isn’t thinking about it all, and she feels a little guilty towards Ellie because of it, but suddenly the sharp contrast between Shelby’s baby fever earlier that week and how she just casually called Ellie a toy is painfully evident. It makes Toni uneasy, as if she just found out that Shelby failed to pick their daughter up from kindergarten and has been waiting there with the teacher for the past hour.

Alright, what the fuck.

« Weren’t you the one baby crazy until a minute ago? »

« The whole experience kinda traumatized me, actually. »

Toni would have laughed, if Shelby wasn’t being radiated by the sunrays, from their position next to the window, making her look like a religious apparition. Religion. Right.

That — and the fact that Ms. Klein ungraciously drops another baby robot in front of her — drags her out of her stare.

This one is bigger, heavier, and looks like the equivalent of a two years old at least. Toni hears Ms. Klein explaining how this one can crawl.  _ Crawl _ . Toni is a little worried about what that entails, because now they can randomly lose it, and she starts to think of ways they might keep it on a leash.

« What do we name this one? » Shelby asks, taking the robot from Toni’s hands, and Toni feels like a twelve years old sweaty boy for how she stills the moment Shelby’s fingers brush against Toni’s. She also feels like a creep for noticing how that is the very first time they touch each other and, hello, heart to Toni, because Shelby is looking at her and Toni feels her head empty.

« No more names. I’m exhausted. It’s Experiment Week Three from now on. »

« That’s- » Shelby blinks, perhaps not expecting Toni’s retreat from the emotional attachment carousel, « -that’s long. What about Matthew? »

« What about Jesus? » Toni knows Matthew is a common name, and it’s not necessarily religion-related, but she’ll hold on to anything at this point, to go back to that safe almost-friend territory they were before.

« Why are you acting so weird today? I’ll call him Matthew. »

« Is it a boy at least? » Toni finds herself asking.

« Do you want to look at robot genitalia? »

Toni frowns and crosses her arms, and she vaguely realizes it must look a bit childish, but she doesn’t answer. She’ll keep calling the thing Experiment Week Three. Perhaps Toni’s shift in attitude towards Shelby is due to this whole parenting thing, and she’s starting to see Shelby as her mom-colleague or whatever. Toni knows she needs to distantiate herself from that kind of bullshit as soon as she can. Because religion, and even if Shelby wasn’t religious, didn’t have a sterile boyfriend, was interested in girls and in Toni of all girls, Toni doesn’t do relationships. She swore that many years ago, and she’s been very fine with her occasional hookups so far. Besides, all the previous obstacles, so. No need to think that far.

« It’s just flat. No diapers to change this time. I might get attached once again. » Shelby comments, catching Toni’s attention once more. She looks at Toni, as if hoping Toni will laugh at her little joke, but Toni just eyes the toy and looks back in front of her. Ms. Klein is explaining how to apply those plastic things parents put on ground-level power outlets.

Shelby carries on, the new fake baby sitting on her lap, « I guess we can consider them intersex, then. »

« One more reason to call them Experiment Week Three. » Toni reinforces, even if Shelby’s knowledge of intersex surprises her. Not that being religious means being ignorant, but Toni is really curious to know what Shelby thinks of the whole “god made them men and women” and the trans situation around it. As if nature was telling religion itself to calm the fuck down, and Toni was there for it.

Shelby huffs, « That’s too impersonal. We can give them a gender-neutral name until they’re older to choose for themselves. »

Toni’s eyebrows shoot up, because Shelby is basically suggesting to consider their third child — fake child, goddammit Toni — nonbinary. Toni can’t help but low whistle. « What about the conservative gender roles a person like you should have? »

Shelby looks as confused as she looks offended, and suddenly Toni realizes what she’s doing. Clumsy teenage Toni, who has no idea how to flirt, and keeps insulting pretty girls as if she was a bully. She really needs to get a grip on the situation here.

« What do you mean “a person like me”? »

« You know Shelby, a person like you. »

« That was a very clear explanation, thank you very much. I see why you picked sports management now. »

Toni scoffs, and she doesn’t know whether to address it, to explain what she means, or to drop the topic entirely. She chooses to do all three, because Toni is back being her teenage self, and she just had a wet dream about a girl who looks like she’d rather be anywhere but next to her.

« Just goes to show, I expected a person like you to jump to conclusions. I picked sports management because I needed a ticket out of where I come from and had no one to support me financially throughout it. This is the only scholarship I got, and honestly, I got lucky enough that I like what I’m studying. » The timing couldn’t be better, because Ms. Klein announces the end of the lesson and Toni is ready on her feet, taking Experiment Week Three from Shelby’s hands. « I’ll bring it to you tomorrow. We’re back alternating days now. »

Toni knows it was a childish and dramatic storming off, and they weren’t even really fighting, but Toni has been feeling on edge since the start of that stupid project.

She hates children. She can’t stand them. She can’t stand the idea of becoming a parent, of having children of her own, of adopting, of foster caring, of even fucking babysitting for that matter. She hates them, she does, she feels sorry for all those fucking children who will have to go through one-tenth of what Toni had to, and wht the fuck is she in college in the first place, as if she could get a career in sports without being an athlete, and Toni misses playing every fucking day of her life, and- and- she hears the sound of something cracking.

She might have just smashed Experiment Week Three against the floor with every negative thought she just had for the past minute, anger blurring her vision, clouding her judgment, and she might have broken the thing.

Just, good fucking job.

Toni feels like dying. So,  _ so  _ mortified. She picks the baby toy from the ground, and sees how one of its knees got a hole in it, a plastic piece hanging from it.

She’s so fucking tired. She just wants to finish those four years as quickly as she could, get a job, get an apartment and live with Martha the rest of her life. In modesty, going through day by day, with her only black pens and days looking all the same. Dark hair, dark eyes, dark temper, Toni knows that she’s all one colour, and her life was supposed to be one colour like it had been until then. Regan came, and it briefly looked a different shade of black, a more intense one, a brilliant one, one that looked elegant and majestic. Then she left, and Toni’s black turned more similar to a deep shade of grey. But as long as she was next to Martha, Toni could look at all her colours and be okay.

There is no reason to have four different pastel highlighters, all those colourful pens, those colorful clothes, those green green eyes and blonde hair. There was no reason Shelby would invite her to spend time with her that often, there was no reason Shelby looked like she enjoyed Toni’s company.

There’s no reason that parenting with Shelby is making Toni rethink about wanting a family at all. Not when she's known her for only two weeks, not when they couldn’t stand each other, not when there were so many obstacles in Shelby’s path to Toni and Toni swore she’d never be in a relationship ever again.

Fuck, it was a Monday early afternoon, and Toni was sitting at her desk, a robot child on it, fresh from a mental breakdown, scattered diy tools in front of her. Toni briefly worked at a garage to help the Blackburns while they kept her with them, and the owner left her that little kit when she left for college. Toni knows she isn’t smart enough to buy one of her own.

Just like she isn’t smart enough to own a first aid kit, she considers as she notices she cut her fingers against the sharp plastic. It’s not deep, not by any means, and she puts some toilet paper and duct tape on it for the moment. This toy looks even more solid than Ellie, and Toni guesses it must be that because it can crawl, it can hit walls and obstacles on its way. Still Toni managed to break it.

She’s thankful it looks like it can still move, and once she’s finished adjusting its knee, she puts it on the floor. They make mechanical noises every time they move, but it still tightens Toni’s heart when they make their first not-steps. Toni takes a photo, but she doesn’t send it to Shelby, because they still left on those tense terms.

It’s Shelby’s text, later that afternoon, that takes care of that. Of course it’s Shelby’s, mature, responsible and kind Shelby, and Toni feels even worse.

_ “Alright, I have three options: Charlie, Avery or Drew.” _

Shelby apparently chose to turn a blind eye on Toni’s scene, and Toni is grateful for that, despite feeling the urge to call Shelby out on that. Call her a coward for avoiding confrontation, or whatever teenage Toni is manifesting for right now.

Toni opts for keeping it light and casual, not sure how to apologize, if Shelby is expecting an apology at all. “exp week 3 still seems the best. short, professional, would give em my credit card number”

_ “I’m going with Charlie. Parents need to stand together, or the child will feel lost.” _

Toni wants to remind Shelby that it isn’t an actual child, and they aren’t actual parents, but they  _ are  _ taking that class, and even if Toni doesn’t plan on having children, Shelby’s answer was “we’ll see”, so Toni can at least try to be cooperative.

“only if this one is charlie shalifoe”

Shelby only answers with a thumbs up, and it’s as old as it’s cold, and Toni knows Shelby isn’t just playing dumb, but she’s testing the waters. It’s a few minutes, before she gets another text:  _ “If I change my name to Experiment Week Three, will you give me your credit card number?” _

It’s the lamest joke she’s ever heard, but Toni smiles, and takes a short video of Charlie crawling around the room.

**day two**

« We don’t need to do alternate days. » Is Toni’s worst apology ever, the next morning, in front of Shelby’s open door, Charlie on her hip.

Shelby nods, bites her lip, and looks kind of amused. « Do you want to come in? »

Toni hates how the glistening in Shelby’s eyes makes her stomach flutter, but she nods and suddenly she’s met with Shelby’s signature scent, which is ten times stronger in her habitual space.

« What happened to their knee? » Is the first thing Shelby asks her, lifting Charlie to take a better look at them.

Toni feels her heart sinking, because she has been violent to what is supposed to represent her child for the second time. She can’t help but ask herself if she would hit her actual kids too, if she was to have any. They say an abuser is more often someone who’s been abused, so it only makes sense.

« It’s no problem. » Shelby reassures her, after Toni is taking a bit too long to answer, and Toni notices how Shelby is eyeing Toni’s hands, and how Toni is torturing them in search of an answer.

« I dropped it. » Toni lies. Shelby holds her gaze, and suddenly, silence fills the room. It doesn’t seem that big of a deal to Toni, because it might happen that one drops a child, even an actual one. But Shelby looks as if she was deeply disappointed in Toni, as if she did the one thing Shelby hoped she didn’t do.

So Toni does the thing she does best, and digs her hole even deeper, trying to defend her lie: « It’s no big deal, they’re just toys, besides it didn’t even fall on its head- »

« I wouldn’t care if you dropped it. I know it’s a toy, I’m not stupid, Toni. » It’s what Shelby does next that has Toni hold her breath, because Shelby drops Charlie on purpose, keeping eye contact, right in front of her, in the middle of the room.

It’s a moment, and Toni’s eyes move from Charlie to Shelby, and suddenly Toni is the one picking Charlie up, and she knows they’re not actually real, but what the fuck is happening, has Shelby gone crazy too?

« Did it break? » Shelby asks, and Toni understands what she did. She reluctantly hands her Charlie, and Shelby inspects it for a moment.

« Not a scratch, Toni. »

Toni looks at her feet, biting her lip, feeling just like she did every time Ms. Blackburn reproached her. Not one of her foster parents, she never gave a shit about them, but the one woman she wanted to make proud. She feels that deep shame in that moment too, even if it was a tiny little lie, it wasn’t an actual baby, Toni fixed it and Shelby and her weren’t even friends.

Toni hates it.

But she hates Shelby's soft words more, the umpteenth proof of how Shelby is made of a nature similar to Martha’s, that particular kind of gentleness, that Toni feels attracted to, as if that was the only place damaged goods like her could be safe in.

« Why did you lie to me? »

Toni opens her mouth, inhales, and feels her shoulders tense. Because, fuck, what a fucking situation, reacting like that over such little details. The point is that Toni knows Shelby gets her, when she understands straight away when Toni is lying, when she did something she wasn’t supposed to, when something is tormenting her.

« I thought you’d be mad at me. » Is Toni’s weak answer, and Toni would slam her head on the wall for how her voice comes out strangled, as if she still was an actual child. But perhaps she is, because no one ever helped her grow up, and Toni is no longer sure about the self-made woman narrative. Perhaps she really is just a step behind everyone else, and Toni has no idea how to get out of it — when a twenty-something she’s still being reproached as if she was ten.

Toni sees from the corner of her eye how Shelby lifted a hand tentatively, and she really doesn’t need her pity, so she just leaves with a: « I’ll pay for it, if anyone notices. »

Toni feels bad throughout her lessons. She feels bad for humiliating herself with that stupid “I thought you’d be mad at me.” like she was five. She can’t stop thinking about it, about what Shelby might think of her right now. Toni is tired of pretending she doesn’t give a shit about Shelby’s opinion of her, because from what she’s seen, Shelby is one of those kind people, and Toni knows their opinions are a pretty fair judgment of the reality of a person. So she worries about what Shelby might think of her, now that she actively hurt one that should be their child, lied to her and tried to defend that lie. Shelby must think she’s a violent person, who has anger issues and is a compulsive liar. And, well, she wouldn’t be wrong. There is no lofi beat that can match the darkness inside of Toni’s heart, no pink pastel highlighter and plans to have a double date with her best friend and her stupidly perfect project partner. Way more perfect than Toni will ever be for Shelby, she knows.

Shelby can add self-pitiful person, next to the list.

_ “Charlie misses you. When can I drop them tomorrow?” _ _   
_ _ “As you said, we don’t have to do alternate days, if you don’t want us to.” _

Toni stares at the screen, later that evening. She knows that Shelby still has their schedule, so she must know what time to drop Charlie. It’s also false that Charlie is able to miss her. So Shelby’s message looks more like a check-in, or a proposal to spend the next day together.

Toni doesn’t want to sound like a victim, so she erases her “im pretty sure charlie would be scared of me, if they were able to feel emotions”, in favour of a: “usual hour. do you want to alternate days?”

_ “I don’t, actually. I got used to spending time with you, today felt lonely.” _

Toni tries not to read too much into it, as she drifts to sleep. She hopes her unreachable hopes won’t hunt her in her dreams tonight too.

**day three**

There’s tension, when they have dinner together in Shelby’s dorm shared kitchen. They ordered take-out, and Shelby is telling her how people are cooking less and less for themselves, so that kitchens in houses will become increasingly optional.

It’s weird, how despite everything that has happened yesterday, Shelby still manages to make small-talk, bring interesting topics to the table, engage with Toni with occasional questions and so on. It’s weird, how Toni still feels good in Shelby’s company, good and guilty, good and regretful, good and apologetic. But good in a way she doesn’t wish to be alone in her room, right now, despite being in front of the person she needs to apologize to.

And she’s been absentmindedly listening to Shelby tell her what that lack of in-cooking might mean to children, as sharing means and having common spaces in the house is very important, while building up the courage to apologize.

« Did you use to eat with your family, growing up? » Is Shelby’s question, and Toni senses she has a pile of them she taps in whenever she feels like Toni is getting lost in her thoughts again.

But because answering that question means getting lost in those same thoughts that brought Toni to attempt Charlie’s homicide, she jumps at the occasion, changing the conversation altogether: « I’m sorry, Shelby. »

There’s just the two of them, sitting on the counter, Charlie on the floor crawling in circles, keeping them company with the little buzzing of their mechanisms.

There’s silence, before Shelby’s nodding. « It’s alright, I should apologize too. »

Toni huffs a laugh, because Shelby is _that_ good, but before she can tell Shelby that she really has nothing to apologize for, Shelby is back at it: « Dropping Charlie was excessive. And I don’t know what actually happened, but I should have just asked. »

Toni knows it’s not a question, not an explicit one at least, but the way Shelby’s green liquid eyes are looking at her, as if knocking, as if trying not to ask while telling Toni she can explain, Toni does just that: « I hit it, and it broke. »

Shelby nods once more, and eyes Toni’s hand, before excusing herself for a moment. That’s when Toni thinks she scared her, once and for all, and Shelby is currently running down the hills, planning on the best day to ask Ms. Klein to be assigned to someone else.

But when Shelby comes back, first aid kit in hand, she sits next to Toni, moves Toni’s stool so that she’s facing her, and takes Toni’s hand in hers.

« It feels like having to watch two children, you know. » Shelby playfully comments despite the situation, and Toni knows she’s supposed to at least smile to acknowledge it, but she’s hypnotized by the way Shelby’s hands feel under her own, how she takes Toni’s awful tape off, how she rubs some alcohol on it and-

« You actually have mickey mouse band-aids. » Toni stupidly comments, but she likes how Shelby looks slightly embarrassed.

Toni tells herself that it’s not a big deal how she keeps staring at mickey mouse’s face on her pinkie throughout her night routine, when she wakes up, during the lessons. It’s not a big deal, just as much as it’s not a big deal how Shelby accepted Toni’s violent outburst, and tried to find a remedy.

**day five**

« So, about hanging out with Martha and Marcus? » Shelby asks her, as they’re walking in the park, Charlie on a five-dollar safety harness Toni bought just for the occasion. It was right next to the one-dollar dog leash, but Toni knew Shelby would be disappointed in her choice, and Toni was trying to win her back, or whatever.

« What about it? »

« It was supposed to be this week. »

Toni forgot about it altogether, so she just shrugs: « Good thing we didn’t make any plans then. »

Shelby rolls her eyes at her, and Toni’s metaphors are getting a bit out of hand, for the way she feels like they were an old married couple and Shelby was trying to make her hang out with friends Toni hated.

But Toni likes Martha, hell, she’s her best friend, and she really wants to see what kind of guy this Marcus is — _and_ she’s trying to win Shelby back, for whatever reason — so she offers: « We can ask them when they’re free. »

Shelby eyes her, « Do you wanna do it? »

« Sure. » With that, she texts Martha, and her reply comes in second. Her reply is straight-up Marcus’ forwarded text saying that Tuesday is cool with him.

Toni tells Shelby, Shelby smiles, and Toni understands why old married people kept up with hanging out with their spouses’ friends.

Shelby’s sweet voice cuts Toni’s explanation on that one time she fell from a swing and never recovered, with a: « We need to take a video. »

« I’ll do it. »

« We need to take Charlie out of the harness first. »

« What? I spent five dollars on that thing. Keep it on, I’ll try to record that it’s designer. »

Shelby laughs, and Toni feels like she’d make that stupid joke another thousand times if needed.  
« Gucci harness? »

« Johnson, actually. » 

As Shelby takes the harness off from Charlie, Toni starts recording. They will probably cut the sound off, because of Shelby’s « I wonder what other kinds of harnesses they make. Where did you buy it, once again? » and Toni’s gasping.

Toni can’t help but briefly — thank god very briefly — wonder if Shelby’s sterile boyfriend is into pegging.

And she really shouldn’t, but the vision her stupid imagination just crafted of Shelby wearing a strap-on? Yeah, no, she’s not surprised one bit of waking up the next morning to the second Shelby Goodkind wet dream of her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thinking about rating the story explicit/mature. i suck at writing smut but from how the story is unraveling, why not trying something new
> 
> also, i feel like im writing shelby a bit too perfect, while toni is going around smashing everything she has in her hands, so i might need to write a chapter in shelby's pov later


	4. fourth week

**day one, week four**

« Their name meant “free man.” » Toni tells Shelby, as they hand Ms. Klein Charlie back, that Monday. « They can live up to their name now. »

« Do you always look up for people’s names’ meanings? » Shelby asks her, and looks quite amused. Toni always thought it was something normal, because isn’t one’s name important? The thing that identifies you for the rest of your life? Toni knows one could change it, but she also heard that it was quite expensive.

Toni is very fucking proud of the meaning of her name, which means “priceless one”, because yes, thank you, she’s a high maintenance queen — but she won’t spill her full name even under torture.

So Toni just shrugs, « Sure. Do you know what your name means? »

Shelby shakes her head, and Toni tells her: « Mommysuniverse.com says it means willow tree. » 

« Like the weeping one? »

« I guess. »

« That’s pretty. » Shelby answers, and Toni feels proud for making her smile like that. Toni finds the meaning of her own name more badass, but she does love how “Shelby” sounds sweet, as if dripping from one’s tongue.

That’s pretty cheesy, and it’s even worse when Shelby asks her: « How long ago did you look up my name? » with a raised brow.

« Who told you you’re the first Shelby I meet? »

Shelby looks like pondering it, before settling with a: « I guess I need to find that other Shelby and get rid of her, to have the monopoly. »

« The monopoly of your name in my life? »

« Yeah. Can’t raise a child with you if you’re thinking about other Shelbys. »

Toni laughs, because why the fuck is it so nice to think about their fake family.  
Toni’s laugh dies in her throat when Ms. Klein drops the fourth fake baby, and this one _walks_.

_“I’m running out of fantasy. We can call this one Experiment Week Four.”_ Is Shelby’s text later that day, while Toni is in the middle of a lecture.

“look it up in random name generator or something”

_“Aren’t you in class right now?”_

“sure thing willow tree”

_“There's a rap names generator.”_

Toni chuckles to herself, and by the time she walks out of class, Shelby has sent her the whole thinking process that brought her to the conclusion that: _“We’re calling it Lil Young”_

“he already exists”

 _“Really???”_ _  
_ _“What about Ice Prince?”_

“he too”

_“You’re a rap fan?”_

“i just know how to google search 2 sec”

By the time Toni makes it to her dorm, Shelby has finally chosen: _“Shalifoe Junior” and “Shali J for their friends”_

“you’ve outdone yourself”

_“Thank you, thank you.”_

**day two**

Shali J isn’t that bad, Toni finds out that morning. She literally just needs to lock the door, and the toy is big enough for Toni to always be able to spot it, from her position on her desk, while studying.

When Martha drops hers and Marcus’ baby — Michael, what a bland name, and of course they would only pick up names starting with m — she keeps asking Toni if that is considered cheating. Toni feels thirteen again, trying to reassure Martha that even if she copied one single answer on her math test it doesn’t make her a bad person.

Really, Toni should no longer be surprised about how precious Martha is.

That afternoon, Toni recalls what Ms. Klein did to Tommy and, screwdriver in hand, she takes the two babies apart. Because they can’t ask for someone to babysit their fake robot child, and they have a double date that night — not a double _date_ , dammit Toni, just hanging out — so Toni works her way around turning off both their robot and Martha’s.

It _does_ feel like a double date, though. Perhaps is the fact that the four of them independently chose to clean themselves up nice: Shelby in a stunning aquamarine open jumpsuit with a light gray jacket on — and really, how the fuck did she pull that together while making it look as if she wasn’t even trying? —, Martha with a flower black and red dress, that despite the hills barely reaches Marcus’ shoulder and Marcus in a shirt and vest.

Toni feels slightly underdressed, because she’s wearing brown slacks and a black jumper. Those are Toni’s finest pieces of clothing in her defence, even if they’re quite old, and for once Toni listened to Martha’s _“your colour palette is autumnal!!”_ and didn’t come in a full black outfit.

Still, shortly after Toni knocked on Shelby’s door to pick her up at eight, and Toni had to remind herself that was not a date, Shelby told her she looked beautiful.  
Toni tried to shrug it off with an « Of course, I’m always beautiful, thank you very much. » but she’d been very aware of how her body reacted to Shelby’s lingering eyes.

Why were her eyes lingering? No, Toni had more important matters to pay attention to, like how that jumpsuit complimented Shelby’s curves in all the right points. Or how her make-up was so more mature than the one she used to wear earlier that year, just smokey eyes and contouring.

Toni almost doesn’t notice how her appearance progressively changed during the past month, how she left the fake tan and fake eyelashes behind, and Toni got the pleasure to see her in her bare face more often than not. And just every time that Toni thought Shelby finally reached the peak of her beauty, here she was proposing herself in always a new light. Or perhaps it was Toni who kept forgetting how she felt looking at her.  
As self-centric as it sounds, Toni can’t help but ask herself if she had anything to do with it, or attending her parenting duties just drained Shelby to leave her self-care behind.

So now the four of them are sitting at some random diner, waiting for a waiter to come to pick their order, small talking.

It’s Shelby who has the conversation in her hands, and Toni didn’t expect any less from her, and dressed like that Toni feels even more in awe than usual. She’s such a goner, and it’s pathetic even in her own head, so she tries to busy herself with taking sips of water and bites of breadsticks.

« So, how is the project going? » Is Shelby’s first question after the brief introduction, and is such a safe topic that Toni relaxes in the chair. She’s not going to give Marcus the third degree yet, then.

Toni notices how both Marcus and Martha open their mouths simultaneously, and very chivalrously Marcus lets Martha speak with a: « You first. »

Toni feels like a teacher, taking notes of Marcus’ behaviour in her head, and by the way Shelby amusedly eyes her from time to time, something tells Toni that she’s quite obvious about it.

Martha proceeds to tell them how that project made her want children even more, if that was possible, and how good Marcus had been, and Marcus blushed at that, and doesn’t seem embarrassed by it, so Toni ticks the “no toxic masculinity” control box she made in her head.

« How many children would you like? » Shelby asks once more, and both Martha and Marcus laugh like they’ve had that conversation already, and oh my god is Toni getting cavities right now.

« Plenty, that is for sure. » Is Martha’s first vague answer, and Marcus throws an inner joke in there: « Was it ten or twelve last time? »

Toni doesn’t mean to, but she frowns, because poor Martha if she actually plans on going through so many pregnancies.

« It depends on how many Toni wants. You know, for basketball tournaments like we used to say, do you remember, Toni? »

Toni does remember, and Martha’s hopeful expression is what brings Toni to mutter a: « Mh-mh. » in agreement. But they were fifteen, and she was still with Regan, and Martha’s mom was showing her how to be a good parent, right before everything fell apart and Toni swore she’d never have a family to screw up.

There’s a moment of tension, and Toni doesn’t know what she did this time because she literally said nothing, but perhaps that’s exactly the reason. Shelby rescues her, and of fucking course she does, asking Toni if she’ll accompany her to the bathroom.

« If the waiter comes what are you having? » Marcus asks them, and both Shelby and Toni blurt out their identical take-out order from last week. It’s lame, it’s cheesy, and Toni wants to be swallowed by the ground for how Martha is smirking at her.

« Is everything good? » Shelby asks her, from inside the bathroom stall.

« Are you one of those people who talk while they’re peeing? »

There’s a second of silence, and the sound of liquid falling fills the room, just before Shelby talks over it: « It’s better than having you hear me peeing. »

« Is that a kink or something? » Toni means it as a joke, because the children-talk had her a bit on edge, but Shelby’s redirection of the conversation makes her heart leap a bit.

« About _that_ , » It’s so vague, it opens so many possibilities, and Toni’s brain filled with cheap porn scenarios seems to be having the time of its life. It really is inappropriate, and more so when Toni hears the water being flushed and Shelby walking outside of the stall.

Shelby washes her hands in the sink right next to where Toni is leaning her back on, and sure they’re friends, but has Shelby never heard of personal space?

« About that...? » Toni asks, impatient, because she’d rather have whatever talk Shelby wants to have while they’re still alone.

Shelby seems to pick up on that, because she takes way too long to get her hands covered in soap, as if she was about to perform surgery. « How do you know if you have any? »

Toni laughs, « Kinks? »

« Yeah. »

Shelby has cracked one too many dirty jokes for Toni to know she must have some sort of experience, so she doesn’t know what to make of Shelby’s open expression, big innocent eyes and expectancy.

« I mean, » Toni should be composed and have that conversation as if they were talking about what is their favourite ice cream flavour, but she gulps and averts her eyes, « You have to experience, I guess. »

And suddenly, Toni is reminded how that conversation began, and on what different page Shelby is currently on, her self-consciousness out of the window: « So, since you just experienced hearing me pee, is that a kink of yours? »

Toni frowns, shoulders Shelby jokingly and just mutters: « You’re such a weirdo. » on her way out.

Shelby joins her with tiny hops, and Toni finds it kind of cute. « You didn’t answer me. »

« Of course it’s not, what the fuck. »

Shelby laughs, they sit down, and Martha looks questioningly at her. But the children’s topic is avoided, and Shelby is quick to move their conversation to what they’re studying.

Toni never set foot in that diner before, that is why it takes her a moment to understand where Marcus is going, by the time they finish eating.

« We can go Dutch. » Martha offers, and Shelby must be catching up too, because she adds: « Or I can pay for my own, if that’s a problem. »

But Marcus is waving them off with an « It’s a pleasure, really, » and Toni is standing up too, because sure, it’s not a date, but she won’t let Marcus pay for her and Shelby’s meal too, for whatever proud stupid reason.

« Yeah, no, I’m coming with you though. » Toni explains, and soon they’re queueing behind the counter.

« Wanted to make sure I wasn’t running off? » Marcus asks her, and Toni likes the joke enough to add him one of her mental points.

« More like wanted to let you pay for Marty’s part only. » 

Marcus nods, as they slowly progress in the line behind the counter. The place is packed, and most of the people in line just got there and are asking to be seated.

« Is it that obvious? » Marcus asks a moment later, and Toni eyes him. She really doesn’t like the height advantage, but he looks kind of self-conscious, and suddenly Toni is interested in whatever he’s talking about.

« What? »

« That I like her. »

Toni looks in front of her once more, because he seems sweet enough, and Toni is glad Martha found someone like him, but she still has to pass as threatening enough to warn him.

« Yeah, you might want to line up then. »

Marcus nods again, and keeps nodding, as if talking to himself, before he asks in such an innocent way, that has Toni thinking that Martha and he really found each other: « Do you think I stand a chance? »

If the way Martha talks about him like he was a god-sent creature is any indication then yes, she’s more than ready to marry him on the spot, but Toni wants him to know that he has to fight for her, because Martha doesn’t deserve any less. « Do you? »

He chuckles, and with his « Touché. » the conversation seems over.

Toni doesn’t want to scare him off though, so she chooses to sugar the pill with: « Martha’s a keeper. So if you do stand a chance, you’re very very lucky. » 

« I know. » By the way he looks at his hands and smiles softly to himself, Toni gets that he really knows it.

After they pay their respective parts, Toni ignores how her stomach responds to Marcus’ assumption on Toni and Shelby’s relationship. She doesn’t really like the bitter taste in her mouth either, when she corrects him.

The calmness that seeing your best friend, your family, your person finally get so close to what they’ve been wanting for so long really must be evident on Toni’s face, because by the time she’s in front of Shelby’s door, she asks her: « You look on cloud nine. Got a crush on Marcus? »

Toni burst out laughing, because that is perhaps the furthest thing Shelby could have thought of — but Toni knows that Shelby is _Shelby_ , no concept of homosexuality in her head at all, so she isn’t that surprised.

« Nah, I’m just glad he likes Marty and Marty likes him. It’s good when things are that simple, huh. »

Shelby nods, and she’s still holding her hand on the doorknob, halfway through it, as if waiting for Toni to say anything.

« What about Shali J? »

« I’m dropping Michael at Martha’s tomorrow morning, so I’ll pass by at half-past seven. »

Shelby nods, and Toni is pretty sure there’s nothing more to add, so she opens her mouth to wish Shelby good night and leave — but Shelby anticipates her, biting her lips, looking torn over something. « Do you wanna come in? »

Toni has no idea why Shelby doesn’t want to go to sleep early, since it’s eleven in the evening and she’s supposed to stay with Shali J for most of the day tomorrow. She doesn’t even know why she’s asking Toni to spend time with her, since they just spend the whole evening together.

Toni is this close to accepting, and perhaps it’s the half glass of wine talking — it definitely isn’t, Toni isn’t a lightweight — but she absolutely loves spending time with Shelby and her surprisingly matching sense of humor.

But Marcus’ “for how long have you been together?” and the bitter reality that they never have and never will, crashes on Toni. She knows that in the best-case scenario, they’re going to remain loose friends, after the semester ends.

So Toni sighs, looks around, and waves behind her back in an “i should go” kind of way, « It’s really late, and it’s a weekday, you know. »

« You’re in college Toni. » Shelby answers, and yes she’s chuckling the way she does, but Toni can tell she feels slightly hurt by Toni’s rejection, and slightly nervous, for some reason.

« That’s the point. » Toni reinforces, because if Shelby insists just a bit more, she doesn’t want to think about what Toni might do, now that it’s late, she’s had her tiny sip of alcohol and Shelby’s lips look a bit swollen by her constant biting at them.

Thankfully, Shelby picks up on things, and lets Toni go with a: « We’re spending Friday night together then. No excuses. »

Toni just nods, because she doesn’t trust her voice, not after yet another display of Shelby’s confidence.

**day five**

It’s Friday. It’s Friday afternoon, Toni is watching over Shali J, her few clothes piled on her bed, notes long forgotten on her desk. It’s just a few hours before having dinner with Shelby in Shelby’s dorm’s kitchen, and _“Maybe a drink later? If Miss ‘I’m in college, curfew and study’ is brave enough.”._

So yeah, Toni just had what feels a little too close to a double date, is having dinner with Shelby for the second time and drinks after. That’s what friends do, right? She did those things with Martha, but Toni feels a bit too on edge, just like she used to right before the first few dates with Regan. But again, Toni is a hundred percent positive that it’s all in her head.

« What do you think, Shali J? Are we going for a “zero fucks given” or an “I’m trying to impress without you noticing it” kind of style? »

Shali J is no help, continuously walking against the closet door, head bumping with a rhythm Toni kinda likes — « So you wanna be a music producer, huh? That industry is full of sharks, good look kiddo. » — and Toni finds herself texting Martha.

She regrets it the moment she receives her answer.

_“Who are you getting pretty for???”_

“myself. what kinda feminist are you”

_“If you get pretty for a girl is still feminism. So, who is it?”_

“just tell me which one marty”

“It depends on what message you wanna give her. Does she know you’re a mom?”

Toni snorts, because yes, Shelby knows Toni is temporarily a fake mom.

“im just tryna come off as a normal person”

_“ ‘Could build a relationship together’ kind of normal or ‘just looking for a hookup and wont try and murder you in the night’ kind of normal?”_

Martha types so fast that Toni is impressed, and Toni would like to say neither, but she really wants to get it over with, so she actually ponders the two options. And because Toni swore she would never be in a relationship ever again, she texts the least lie-ish of the two: “second.”

_“(I already knew it)”_

Toni rolls her eyes, but Martha texts her exactly the outfit she should pull together, and offers to lend her one of her pieces of clothing.

By the time Toni looks at herself in the mirror, she knows it’s too much. Her meter of judgment is how she thinks Shelby is going to react, and she knows they’re just friends and the hookup information threw Martha off.

So she changes once again, and it’s ridiculous how much time Toni wasted worrying about dressing up, and ends up with a pair of basic jeans and a sweatshirt. So bland and spiceless, and if Toni’s outfit is screaming anything, it’s “they forced me to get out”, despite it’s quite the opposite of how she’s feeling.

But hey, at least she didn’t opt for sweatpants.

She takes Shali J’s batteries off, so that it won’t slam its head against the closet for the rest of the night.

She’s knocking on Shelby’s dorm room door around half-past seven, her heart in her throat, and she really regrets picking that outfit. It’s comfortable, sure, but what will Shelby think of her?

It takes her two seconds to find out, because as Shelby opens the door, Toni drinks in the view. She’s stunning, but if Toni is being honest with herself, she always is. She’s not as elegant as the double date — at this point Toni won’t pretend she doesn’t keep referring to it that way — but there is something to it. Perhaps it’s the tucked shirt in high waisted jeans Toni hasn’t seen in the past month yet, perhaps it’s the light green eyeshadow Shelby used as the only sign of makeup, and it’s so simple but so _right_ that it takes Toni’s breath away, drawing all her attention to her eyes. Which are the prettiest eyes Toni has seen so far, she’s dead sure about that.

Toni finds out what Shelby thinks of her outfit in the way she checks her out, and her shoulders slump, her expression goes from one of excitement to one of almost disappointment, and Toni knows that her outfit is screaming indifference, while Shelby’s is _way_ more put together.

Toni quickly wonders if Shelby is afraid of feeling embarrassed to be seen next to her, and it’s unlikely for how Toni has known Shelby so far, but Toni can’t find any better interpretations for her reaction.

« Hi. » Toni settles for, one hand rubbing under her neck, feeling exposed all of a sudden.

She sees Shelby recollecting a bit, nodding to herself, « Hi to you too. » and a chuckle. Toni hopes the moment of awkwardness is over, and takes a step back, as if to suggest going to dine already.

It is over, the awkwardness, in a gradual way that doesn’t really sit right with Toni. As if Shelby gradually gave up on something, or made peace with something she didn’t really like at first. As if now she’s that laid back out of something negative, like resignation, and her previous excitement wasn’t nervousness but rather something good.

But perhaps Toni is just overthinking, because she’s helpless and Shelby really is the prettiest she’s ever seen her tonight.

« So, where are we going later? »

Shelby looks confused for a moment, « Are we going somewhere? »

« You said you wanted to go grab a drink. »

Shelby frowns a bit more, « I said I wanted to drink, I didn’t say we had to get out. »

That makes even less sense in Toni’s head, and it must be showing, because Shelby explains: « I have a bottle of vodka I stole from a party a few months ago. »

« _What_? »

Shelby is chuckling, « I needed someone to help me finish it. »

« Like, a whole bottle? »

« It’s half gone already, Martha and I had a couple of drinks the night of the midterm. »

« Marty did _what_? »

Toni feels as if she’s taking part in two different conversations: one where apparently Shelby is more badass than she imagined, — and Martha too, why the hell didn’t she know that — and one where Toni feels a little lost, as if she was missing something. Toni knows she’s being a little paranoid and is reading too much where there is nothing, so there’s a ninety-nine percent probability that Shelby just dressed up for herself, because she’s her own woman and all that. It’s very _Shelby_ , if anything, so Toni rounds that up to a hundred percent.

She has no business feeling that slightly disappointed, as if Toni was just the next girl to make Shelby company on a lonely night. But she does, and Toni wonders if they’re friends yet.

She hasn’t had one single drink yet, not one drop, and they’re currently halfway through their dinner, as Shelby just finished explaining the party and how she ended up with the bottle in the first place, when Toni asks her.

« Are we friends? »

Shelby takes a moment to look at her, and Toni feels naked under her gaze. Perhaps it’s because Shelby has an unreadable expression, Toni doesn’t know if it’s a curious one, an intrigued one, a confused one, a worried one.

Shelby’s lips tighten in what is supposed to be a smile, but seems something bitter, and really Toni feels like she’s being left behind whatever is going on in Shelby’s head. Wasn’t she the one to want to be friends with her in the first place?

« As in, are we friends _yet_? »

Toni nods, and Shelby takes a bite from her plate a bit aggressively. « I mean, what do you think? »

Toni doesn’t know what to answer, because are they friends? Toni knows she has one best friend, and that is Martha. What is Shelby? Toni has never had regular friends before. She doesn’t know what that entails. She knows that Martha is her best friend because Toni would throw herself under a truck for her. But Shelby? Toni isn’t so fast to think she wouldn’t. But would she? Probably not. But- no, probably not. Even if Toni would throw herself under a truck for no reason, so perhaps that’s not the best metaphor.

« I don’t know Shelby, I asked you first. »

Shelby huffs a humorless laugh, as if she was talking to a slow child, and Toni hates how that makes her feel. « That’s not an answer. »

« Neither is yours. »

« This really isn’t how I envisioned this night to go. » Shelby mutters to herself, before taking a sharp breath and clapping her hands together, looking borderline exasperated. « Yes, Toni, I consider you my friend. Do you consider me your friend? »

Toni shrugs, and she doesn’t mean to be difficult, but Shelby just sounded so condescending and so patronizing, that Toni can’t help but feel the hypocrisy within her words. Is that how she talks to her friends, usually?

But two can play that game, so with the most indifference she can muster, she mutters a: « Sure. »

She feels Shelby’s gaze on her for a bit too long, before Shelby bursts out in a hysterical laugh.  
Toni’s gaze snaps to her, because what the fuck, she’s the one who should laugh if anything. But Shelby is just throwing her empty paper plate and walking towards her room. Toni takes the last bite on her own as fast as she can, throws her plate too and follows Shelby.

« Could have waited for me Shelbs, since we’re _friends_. »

Shelby doesn’t answer, just says to herself « I need a drink. » as if Toni wasn’t even there.

« Do I need to go? » Toni asks, because at this point she doesn’t even know, and it’s so weird and there are so many unspoken things going on that she’s not even sure if they’re fighting.

Shelby turns around, door half-open, parts her lips to say something, but eventually settles for just walking in and leaving the door open. Toni just stays there, witnessing how she takes a sip straight out of the bottle, before telling her: « You can stay, if you want. » 

« I did tell you we’d have drinks tonight. »

« You thought we were going out. »

Toni senses there’s something to talk about, so she takes a step in, and closes the door behind her back, making her choice. Shelby looks at her, nods, takes another sip and hands Toni the bottle.

It feels different from how Toni is used to drinking: not something to busy herself with at parties, not something to pay for during games. Shelby drinks just for drinking, or for the effect, and Toni isn’t used to it. So she barely gets her lips wet with the liquid, and hopes Shelby won’t notice how she’s chickening out.

She also hopes Shelby won’t drink too much, if she plans on talking about whatever is happening to her tonight, that is making her act that weird.

« Yeah, so? Was I supposed to know you randomly had a bottle of vodka in your room? »

Shelby takes the bottle back, and sits on her bed, kicking her shoes off, one hand behind her to lean into. She looks at Toni, and eyes the spot next to her, so that Toni is taking her shoes off too and sitting next to her.

After a bunch of seconds of silence, Toni points it out: « You’ve been kind of weird the whole night. Did- did something happen? »

Shelby shakes her head, a weird smile on her lips, before she licks them and drinks some more. « What were you expecting from tonight? »

Toni doesn’t know why that question sounds so off-setting, and Toni could answer in so many ways, she takes a moment to think about it. Because Shelby isn’t asking her what she was hoping for, but what she realistically expected.

« Hanging out like we usually do, I guess? »

Shelby nods, and she’s gripping the neck of the bottle as if her life depended on it. Toni never had any problem with alcohol, but she’s seen the side that alcohol tends to bring out of people, so Toni wishes they just stayed in the kitchen. Even if they’re sitting on Shelby’s bed, knees brushing, hands inches apart, with no rush, and a million possibilities in front of them. Because that’s not what’s going to happen, despite whatever lie she texted Martha earlier.

Toni gulps, before asking: « What were _you_ expecting? »

Shelby licks her lips, bites them, looks at her swinging feet for a moment and shakes her head a bit. Toni knows a lie is coming, even before Shelby is saying anything. « Just, the same. »

« Yeah, no, don’t fucking lie to me Shelbs. »

« Like you didn’t lie to me when you broke Charlie? »

That’s uncalled for, and Toni needs a moment after that. Shelby sighs, and puts the bottle on the floor between them, for which Toni is relieved. « I didn’t mean to bring it up. But you never explained it to me. You never explained what you meant by “a person like me”, you never told me if you wanted to have children, that time I asked. »

« I don’t have to. »

« I know you don’t. It’s just, you asked if we were friends, and still you keep treating me like that. »

« Like what? »

« Like you wouldn’t touch me with a ten-foot pole. Like you’re doing right now. I mean, look at you, all tense, moving away if I sit too close, always on edge. I know we just met but I never gave you any reason to- to do what you’re doing. »

Toni doesn’t know if it’s the weird emotional state Shelby has been in for the whole evening, for which Toni is yet to find out what caused it, or if it’s the few chugs she had of alcohol, but Shelby feels like a different Shelby. Like the Shelby that Toni would have liked to be earlier that semester, not to assume she was unauthentic and back-stabbing.

Still, Toni really doesn’t know what Shelby is asking her — because Toni has only had Martha before, and Martha knows that Toni has been warming up to being a physical person only very recently, and only with Martha and with Martha alone — so Toni asks her, ironically: « What do you want me to do, make out with you? » because she knows that it’s a low blow, appealing to Shelby’s religion and Shelby’s sexuality to talk her out of whatever friendship model she wants to force onto Toni. Toni is affectionate towards Martha because she doesn’t like her _like that_ , they’re basically sisters, but Toni has had a couple of detailed fantasies on Shelby: one too many for Shelby to ask her to stay still, while she gets closer, without reacting.

At this point, Toni even wonders if it’s all an elaborated plan to convert Toni or something, to force her to make some overtures to show her what sin brings you to and bullshit like that — but Toni is quick to put the thought aside, because she knows Shelby, and she’s had enough proof to know her that she’s non that kind of person.

But Shelby is laughing, unironically, and her laugh turns a bit desperate the more Toni just stays there, doing nothing.

« You asked that like it was a joke. » Shelby finally says, once her laugh dies on her lips, and is staring at her hands.

It _was_ a joke, because Shelby Goodkind, asking Toni Shalifoe to make out with her? Months ago Toni would have laughed in the person who would have suggested anything close to it, just like she feels like laughing now, for different reasons. The common factor is that it’s still not happening.

« It was a joke. No need to take the extra step to prove you’re an ally or whatever. »

Shelby is frowning, « An ally? » and because Shelby doesn’t even seem to know what that means, Toni is a hundred percent sure that her knowledge of queer culture stops at the intersex notion she threw the week before.

« It doesn’t matter. » Toni quietly answers, and she doesn’t know why she feels so sad all of a sudden. It’s been such a weird night, she doesn’t know what to think of it. She feels pretty stupid for feeling disappointed in Shelby’s umpteenth proof of her straightness. Toni really needs to stop mistaking kindness for interest, for her own good.

« It does matter to me. What you tell me, it does matter. »

Toni’s heart aches a bit at that, because Shelby really is that sweet. So Toni bends herself a bit towards whatever friendship model Shelby wants to force onto her, she bends herself to be affectionate towards Shelby even if she likes her _like that_ and has had one too many detailed fantasies on Shelby for Toni to show physical affection and not react. She does it nonetheless, because Shelby is one of the kindest people Toni has met so far. She does it also because Shelby has been very good to her, with the Charlie situation, with staying close to Toni while Martha drifted a bit apart, with showing her how to be a good parent, even if she didn’t mean to. Finally, Toni does it because Shelby has done so much for her, perhaps without even being conscious of it, and Toni hasn’t done a single thing in return, and if they truly are friends, Toni can only try and comfort Shelby from whatever got her in that weird melancholic mood that night.

So Toni does it: she moves her hand in the space on the mattress between where she and Shelby are sitting, and moves it some more, until their pinkies are touching. Then some more, until they’re intertwined. It’s the littlest thing, and Toni does her best not to react, because the action isn’t charged with anything sexual, but there’s such an emotional load to it, that Toni feels her throat tighten, and she knows that if she tried to speak right now, her voice would come out hoarse. And her eyes are burning, it’s silly, really, her vision gets a little blurry, but just a little, and it feels a bit harder to breathe, as if someone was compressing her lungs.

She feels Shelby’s eyes on her, and it must take Shelby a moment to realize that is kind of a big deal for Toni, because she averts her gaze, and moves her palm upwards, so that now Shelby is holding Toni’s whole hand, and they’re intertwining all their fingers.

They don’t drink after that.

Shelby makes a comment on her posture and lays down, and because their hands are still linked — Toni is so aware of it, like she’s never been before, not even when her wisdom teeth were growing and she needed to keep ice cubes in her mouth for hours — she drags Toni with her too.

They stay like that some more, after that, in a lazy small talking, where Shelby tells Toni how she’s always wanted a projector but never got one, for no reason in particular; where Toni tells Shelby how she once hit her head against a radiator so hard, because she didn’t want to take a bath and was running away from her foster mom, that they called their nurse neighbour instead of bringing Toni to the hospital, because they weren’t covered by the insurance.

« Foster mom? » Is Shelby’s soft-tones question, and Toni doesn’t know if she imagined it, but she feels a little squeeze on her hand.

« Maybe I’ll tell you about it. You know, since we’re friends now. »

Shelby turns her head, and Toni knows it because she hears the bedsheets shifting under her, so Toni turns hers too, and they’re just inches apart. Shelby smiles her so softly, so fondly, that Toni feels her stomach flutter. Toni is very fucking glad they’re friends now, if she gets to experience that even once more, before dying. That sweet torture, Shelby’s kind eyes and a look that only tells Toni that she’s being loved. Even in a friendly way, that’s more than what Toni imagined she’d ever have. So yeah, Toni will stop being difficult and take whatever Shelby will give her.

« What about the vodka? » Toni asks after some more, just to talk about anything, not really feeling in the mood of drinking.

« Next Friday. »

With their hands linked, it feels a bit like a promise.

« But like, we don’t have to finish the whole thing next Friday. Can we do it in instalments? »

« You’ll have to pay the interest though. »

« With what? »

« More drinking. »

« Are you an undercover alcoholist, Shelby Goodkind? »

Toni hates it, when they untangle their hands, because it’s late enough and Toni needs to sleep. (She hates it even more when Shelby tells her that she can stay there, and Toni’s excuse that she didn’t bring her toothbrush is the worst she ever pulled up.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im in desperate need of childrens names for chapter 6+. now accepting applications  
> also, there's a quick supercorp reference somewhere


	5. fifth week

**day one, week five**

« It meant “charming.” Honestly, I’m flattered that my last name has “charming” in it. » Is the first thing Toni tells Shelby, as they’re handing Shali J back, and this time it doesn’t really feel like a big deal.

« It’s an obsession you have. Also, universeformommies.com isn’t a very reliable source. »

« First of all, it’s mommysuniverse.com. Second, I don’t have an obsession, _you_ have an alcoholic problem. »

« Unrelated. And I hardly ever drink. »

The girl sitting right in front of Toni turns around, « Will you two shut up? I’m trying to hear what Elon is gonna give us this week. » 

« Elon? That’s new. » The girl next to her comments, before adding: « Chill Dot, she’s gonna email me everything later. »

« It’s the fourth week in a row you’ve emailed her asking her to sum it up for you Fatin. She’s the one who’s gonna grade you, hello? »

Toni is quite amused by the exchange. She’s never spoken to either girl before, she’s just heard who Fatin was because of her reputation around boys, and of Dot for her _business_ , but never interacted with them. She really would love to see the two of them dealing with a baby.

Glancing at Shelby, she can tell Shelby is quite amused by the pair too.

Ms. Klein claps her hands, a spark of craziness in her eyes. « Alright, I’m quite excited about this part of the project. »

Toni already knows it’s going to be bad.

« These new babies have AIs installed in them, and they’re provided with the ability to learn and reproduce up to a hundred words. » 

« Where the fuck do they find all this money? » Toni mutters to herself, and is pretty sure no one heard her, until Dot turns around to actually explain it:

« The parenting course is founded by a private company external to the university, the company that produces these robot babies for rich wanna-be parents. They make the robots, the AIs, everything. It’s very niche, you probably haven’t heard it, but their logo is printed under every baby robot’s right foot. » 

Toni is quite impressed, but Fatin plays it down: « Enough nerd. »

« You’re the nerd. »

« Why would I be? »

« Look at you. »

« Yes, and? »

« You’re a nerd. »

« That’s quite the argument, good job Dot! »

« Fuck off. »

The first thing Toni does when Ms. Klein drops the baby on hers and Shelby’s desk is checking its right foot. It looks like a minimalistic outline of a bowl with two little lines on each side and an arrow pointing downwards, but Toni might be looking at it upside down.

**day two**

When Toni knocks on Shelby’s dorm room door that morning, Shelby looks defeated.

« They haven’t spoken yet. We forgot to name them. We’re awful parents, Toni. No, _I_ ’m an awful parent, you’re just an absent one. »

It’s not even eight in the morning, and it’s quite amusing to see Shelby like that. Still in her pajamas, for starters, voice dripping with sleep, their walking but mute fake baby wandering in her room, around her still unmade bed.

Toni can’t help but chuckle, « Were you- did I wake you up? »

Shelby passes a hand on her face and takes a step behind to let Toni in. « You have class in like ten minutes. » Toni reminds her, as Shelby starts brushing her teeth.

« I know, I stayed up until three to try and teach this damn thing a word. » 

« Three in the morning? Why? »

Shelby just shrugs, and it’s no explanation at all, but Toni won’t push. Surely not when Shelby is already so late.

After Shelby locks her door and Toni wishes her a good day at the start of the stairs, Toni tries not to think how much that feels as if she just parted ways with the husband who’s gonna provide food on the table. And yeah, the fifties metaphors are back in Toni’s mind now.

Toni also tries not to think about what Shelby’s voice sounds when she just wakes up, or how she wished to close the door and slip under the duvet with her. Just because less than five hours of sleep at night isn’t very healthy, she tells herself. And because Toni is Shelby’s friend, she has to watch over her health.  
Just that.

Why the hell does Shelby still have a duvet in spring?

“why the hell do you still have a duvet?”

_“My room is cold.”_

“i found a name for the baby”

_“Goodkind Junior?”_

“thats awful”

_“We had Shali J”_

“shali j rocks. goodkind junior sounds like a selling christian coloring book company”

 _“Oddly specific.”_ _  
_ _“What’s the name?”_

“willow”

Nothing comes for a couple of seconds, and Toni locks her phone to go back to talking to Willow for the next couple of hours, until it’s dinner time and she’ll see Martha.

The next time she checks it, there’s Shelby’s _“That’s sweet.”_ and _“Not really creative, but sweet nonetheless”_.

She has no reason to, but Toni is still smiling, by the time she meets Martha.

**day three**

Martha was a bit weird last night. She kept talking about Marcus as per usual, but she made one comment that Toni is still thinking about this morning, while in class.

“Marcus was very surprised finding out you and Shelby weren’t together.” She told her. And if it was just that, well, Toni knew he’d been, so it wasn’t a big deal. But it was what Martha said next that Toni can’t get out of her mind. “I kind of can’t unsee it now. I mean, you look like you have great chemistry from the outside.”

Toni just laughed and asked her what bullshit she was on about, but really, Toni still feels the hint of hope she felt last night. Just like a hopeless teenager, all over again.

Shelby’s frequent updates to Willow’s status don’t help, because just seeing Shelby’s name on the notification box is enough to send that _something_ in Toni’s stomach.

Fuck, she’s so pathetic.

_“Still nothing.”_

“maybe its broken”

_“Wanna get it checked?”_

“sure, ill do it later”

_“I’ll come with you.”_

When it’s later, and the both of them are knocking on Ms. Klein’s door, Toni tries not to think how much it feels as if they were bringing their child to the doctor.

« If it isn’t my favourite future parents! Come in, come take a seat. »

Toni is positive there is something wrong with Ms. Klein’s brain, she’s long noticed by now, but Shelby’s brief look of horror makes her day.

They take a seat, Willow on Shelby’s lap, Ms. Klein with eyes that scream fangirl in a way that Toni isn’t supposed to recognize, but does, tapping in right from the time she used to say she watches shows “for the plot”.

The same look. Toni is terrified.

« So, what brings you here? »

Shelby speaks up, thankfully, because Toni’s mind feels empty. « Willow won’t speak. It’s been three days now, we tried everything. »

Toni notices how Ms. Klein bites her lip at hearing how they named their toy, and that’s just plain disgusting, Toni wishes they brought Willow to an actual doctor.

« Have you tried talking to it- I’m sorry, talking to _them_ together? »

That’s even worse, that condescending and “I’m going to call it or them whatever you want even if I high key think it’s stupid”, and Toni feels ready to jump at Willow’s defence and fight for their right pronouns, and is Ms. Klein’s stupidity contagious because what the fuck.

« Uh, we haven’t actually. »

« A child feels their parents’ distance more than the parents themselves. Spend as much time as you can together, talk to each other, talk to them. »

Toni knows it’s bullshit, because it’s supposed to be something mechanical, since it’s a _robot_ , but Ms. Klein convinces her when she reveals, fake-whispering in an obnoxious way: « The AI is built to recognize different voices and to reproduce their words after a while. »

Toni glances at Shelby to see her reaction, and it’s fascinating how she has that deep fake smile Toni used to see on her face for the entirety of the first semester.

They thank their teacher and are out of the room as soon as possible.

« What the hell was that? » Is Shelby’s first question, between chuckles, and Toni still has to get used to hearing her swearing.

« You know, I can see you doing pageants now. With the poker face and all that. »

« I’m glad she only looked at me because you had the worst face, the whole time. » 

As they walk towards Shelby’s room, Toni points out: « How do pageants even work? »

« Never watched it? »

« Do I seem like the type? »

« Honestly, yes. »

Toni fakes an exaggerated offended expression, gaining Shelby’s raised brow. « It’s not that bad. » before Shelby explains that there are talents and judges and all that.

« Was your talent drinking? »

« I’m starting to think you’re the one who has a problem with alcohol, since you keep bringing that up. No, my talent was singing. »

« No way. Sing for me. »

« I’m not a circus animal, Toni. »

« It might help Willow talk? »

Shelby shakes her head in a defeated manner, but Toni had to try.

« We only ever stay in my room. » Shelby points out later, when they’ve been talking about everything at an extremely low speed to let Willow absorb as much as possible, the three of them on Shelby’s bed.

« Are you inviting yourself in? »

« I was hoping you’d invite me over, honestly. »

Shelby winks, and Toni rolls her eyes, but her smile lingers.

« What the fuck is taking this thing so long. » Toni comments after a while, laying on her back in defeat.

« Swear jar. We don’t want Willow’s first word to be a slur. »

« Swear jar of money? »

« What other swear jars are there? »

« One of my foster parents used to make housework swear jars. »

« That’s brilliant. »

« Yeah, I’m still trying to catch up with how good I’ve been. »

« I can tell. »

« So, what kinda swear jar? »

Shelby looks theatrical, taking exaggeratedly long steps, one index on her chin, looking up while walking closer to Toni. « What about a corporal punishment swear jar? » 

Toni blinks, because she has no idea what that means, does Shelby want to slap her every time she swears?

« I’m gonna ask Martha how many words their toy speaks. » Toni decides in a change of subject, lifting her arms to look at her phone from her lying position.

« It’s not a competition. »

« What if it weighs on the final mark? » She receives Martha’s answer within seconds, and honestly Toni loves how Martha is a quick replier.

 _“Marie Antoinette? She said seven words so far. I don’t know what the hell the hundred words limit is for.”_ _  
_ _“Also, we named her after you, in case you were wondering.”_

Toni feels a shiver and just sends a middle finger emoji back, because she despises her full name, and the use of “marie” in front of it just to keep the m thing is just bad taste.

« They have seven words down. » Toni tells Shelby, as she looks at her while lowering her phone. Shelby has been very quiet in the past few minutes, not even talking to Willow like she was supposed to, and Toni feels shaking at the core when she catches her staring at her. Toni follows where Shelby’s gaze is making a beeline for Toni’s exposed stomach, because of the lifted arms and all, and Toni can’t help blurt out: « Checking me out, Shelbs? »

Toni _knows_ Shelby’s might be curiosity or envy at most, even if Shelby literally has nothing to envy her, and she truly has to be blind to her own physique if that’s the case — but the way Shelby blushes and chuckles nervously as if she was indeed checking Toni out, well, that makes Toni’s stomach drop almost as much as her:

« Would you blame me? »

Shelby is such a good actress, that Toni almost falls for it.

**day four**

Willow’s first word is “stupid”. Its mechanical voice is awful, but the way Shelby looks at Toni as if she wants to kill her it’s worth it.

« Corporal punishment on the baby? » Toni asks, just to tease her.

She feels just like a teenager, like she often does around Shelby, eager to gain her attention even through annoyment.

**day five**

It’s the first of their drinking instalments, Willow keeps repeating “stupid” every two seconds and _only_ that, and Toni feels way calmer than last week. They aren’t even having dinner first, as Martha wanted to hang out with Shelby, and Toni grabbed a thing with Marcus, since she ran into him on her way to a takeout.

But now Toni is knocking on Shelby’s door, the other hand on Willow’s shoulder — since these things keep getting taller and taller, and Toni is quite scared since they still have ten weeks to go — in comfy clothes and ready to drink.

When Shelby opens, she looks at Willow, and Toni answers her unspoken question: « If we leave them in a corner they might learn a new word. » but for some reason Shelby doesn’t look too happy about it. Doesn’t she want to spend some time with her child?

« I thought we could play some games. » Shelby tells her, closing the door once Toni is inside, Willow left to freely wander around the small space, tripping on Shelby’s clothes on the floor from time to time.

« What games? » Toni asks, shoes by the door and sitting on Shelby’s bed as if her room was hers too now. She tries not to think too much about it, or how she feels on edge when Shelby sits next to her, so very close.

« Uh, the classic? Never have I ever, would you rather, truth or dare, spin the bottle. »

« Spin the bottle? There’s just the two of us. »

Shelby glances at Willow, and Toni can’t help but laugh.

« That’s pedophilia. »

« How old are they supposed to be? »

« _Shelby_! »

« I’m just asking, geez. » 

They start with would you rather, and because there can’t be a winner, they just take a sip with every answer.

« Would you rather have more than ten kids or not having the chance to have any at all, ever? Like, not even adopting? » Toni asks, and she knows it’s a little lame how she asked something project-related, but they’ve done a few rounds and she wasted all her good ones already.

« It depends, can I pick who helps me raise them? »

« Why not. »

« Then more than ten. »

« Really? Who would you raise them with? »

« We’re not playing twenty-one questions. My turn. »

They soon get bored of that, and Shelby offers to move to never have I ever. By the rhythm they’re taking, they might be able to finish the whole bottle.

« Alright, I’ll start, » Toni says, because she senses that they’re getting into new territory. They’re a bit past the tipsy phase, because they have food in their stomach to absorb the alcohol, and Toni feels a little bit bolder because of that.

« Let’s hear it. » Shelby says, scooting a bit closer, chin resting on her palm, looking up at Toni through her eyelashes.

Toni feels her judgment a bit clouded, and feels the game as an opportunity, so she tries to think about the best one she can.

« Never have I ever… » She starts, and what are the things she’s dying to know about Shelby? Toni thinks that one thing she can use the game for, is communicating Shelby her own preferences, sexually talking, even if Toni doesn’t have to. If she knows Shelby, Toni doesn’t think this will change anything, because so far she hasn’t seemed like that kind of christian.

So Toni says: « Never have I ever, had a crush on another woman. »

Because there is one bottle, and Shelby is holding it right now, Toni holds her palm up flat to ask her to take it, and it’s a very eloquent explanation of her answer, but Shelby hesitates. They lock eyes, and Toni feels a bit insecure, all of a sudden. She’s not one of those christians, _right_?

Toni knows she isn’t, when she understands why Shelby hesitates. She takes a sip first, and no, she’s fully chugging the thing now, and Toni would be a little worried if she wasn’t still trying to process what that means.

As Shelby hands her the bottle and licks her lips, Toni specifies, before drinking herself: « I meant it as a serious crush. Not admiration, not celebrity crush. Like, the crush people like you have on boys. »

« I know what you meant. You need to drop the “people like you” thing, since you clearly have all your assumptions wrong. »

Toni is glad she’s swallowed already, or she would have choked.

Shelby takes the bottle from Toni’s hands, as Toni just keeps staring at her, ready to shoot her own never have I ever — before taking one last glance at Toni’s confused expression, and add: « Just to clarify, I like women. Like “people like you” do. »

And with that, she resumes with the game. Toni plays it, but throughout the whole thing she feels split, because, _what_? She needs a hot second right there, and she wishes they were doing the game while sober, because Toni feels as if everything was in slow-mo.

Thankfully for Toni’s mental state, they finish the bottle before they start playing truth or dare. It was somewhere between a third and a half of the bottle when they started, and considering that they split that between just the two of them, Toni shouldn’t be surprised when she falls back on the mattress, when she tries to sit up.

« Careful there. » Shelby tells her, one hand grabbing Toni’s arm to steady her, even if she’s already back on the bed.

Toni groans a bit and presses her palms against her eyes, little white dots forming in the black.

« I have a spare toothbrush. » Shelby tells her, and it takes Toni a bit too long to put the pieces together.

« Why? » She asks chuckling, even if it’s not funny at all, but Toni feels like she doesn’t have much control right now.

« I bought it? »

Toni doesn’t question further, because just last week she didn’t have one, and just lays her back on the mattress instead, eyes closed. She might sleep right now, mouth hygiene be damned, because she feels a low pounding in the back of her mind and it truly wasn’t a good idea skipping the instalment thing.

The bed shifts upon Shelby standing up, and Toni props herself up on her elbows. « You sure it’s not a problem? »

Shelby shakes her head and throws her a shirt and a pair of shorts. Toni stands up, helping herself with the headboard to change, and since she’s up, she walks to the bathroom.

Toni thinks she might be just drunk, way past being just tipsy, when she looks at Shelby from across the mirror taking her _teeth_ off.

Shelby looks back at her and just smiles, displaying the two holes even more with the gesture, before explaining: « Dentures. » and placing them in a little box.

Toni nods, and mutters a « Cool. » because she doesn’t really know how to answer. The two of them brush their teeth next to each other, and it’s oddly domestic. Not even Toni’s alcohol-fogged brain can escape marriage daydreaming.

« Can I joke about it? » Toni asks, after both of them drank some water and peed. Toni doesn’t want to ask for how long Shelby’s water bottle has been abandoned in the back of her bag, because she’s still grateful Shelby is letting her crash in her room. Not that hers is that far away, now that she sobered a bit up and is pretty sure she could just walk there.

« Sure. But I’ve heard all sorts of reverse vampire jokes already. »

Toni nods, « I’ll try to be original. »

They stand in front of Shelby’s bed for a moment, and it feels weirdly awkward, for some reason.

Thankfully, Willow startles them both with one of its « _Stupid!_ », and Toni proceeds to take its batteries off. When she walks by the bed again, Shelby is already in it, under the covers, ready to turn the lights off.

« You coming? » Is all she asks, and Toni feels her heart aching a bit at that. As if Toni crashing there wasn’t just an alcohol-driven accident, but Shelby wanted her to stay, and wouldn’t mind it happening again.

But Toni, being Toni, chickens out.

Because what is going to happen?

She takes Willow and its batteries under her arm, and walks away, leaving Shelby’s confused questions behind.

Because Shelby just took one of their obstacles off. No sterile boyfriend, attraction to women.

And if Shelby had no girlfriend already, if she was willing to have one, and if she was attracted to Toni, of all people, Toni would have to face her only one obstacle.

Toni wouldn’t ruin Shelby’s life too. Not when Shelby is one of the kindest people Toni has ever met.

So Toni sleeps alone in her own bed that night, Shelby’s “I like women” replaying in her head a million times, and fuck, why can’t Toni just bring herself not to care.


	6. sixth week

**day one, week six**

Saturday Toni woke up to Shelby’s text: _“Can we meet up?”_ to which Toni answered that she’d handle Willow for the weekend, and that she’d see her on Monday.

By the time they hand Willow back, it only learned “stupid”, and they recorded it one too many times.

So now they’re sitting at their desk with that bad kind of tension lingering between them, and Toni has seen Shelby open her mouth by the corner of her eye one too many times, to know that she’s going to talk to her, sooner or later.

« I really hope the next one doesn’t have any AI in it. » Toni hears from behind her back, but just keeps staring in front of her, eavesdropping because she has nothing better to do.

« I swear to god Leah that if it’s because you’re still convinced they’ve been spying on us, I’ll ask Ms. Klein to change partners. » another voice answers, and Toni suddenly feels very invested in it, or perhaps she’s just thankful that Shelby appears so too, enough to delay the inevitable questions she’ll ask her later.

« Rachel, think about it: sophisticated baby robots without a flight recorder? »

« We’re not on a fucking _plane_. It’s an optional college course no one gives a shit about. »

The sixth robot Ms. Klein places on hers and Shelby’s desk, Ms. Klein tells them it is going to be their last child, that has the most advanced AI installed, and they’re going to spend the next two weeks with them. Toni assumes there’s going to be a theoretical part following that, and it makes sense, how it’d be exactly halfway through the semester.

Shelby slides a piece of paper over her, and just looks in front of her, faking indifference. Toni reads — in pink ink, alright — _“We need to pick the best name.”_

Much like the Charlie accident, Shelby is going for a casual initial approach, but Toni still knows she’s going to be interrogated, sooner or later, so she just enjoys it while it lasts.

“what were you thinking?”

_“I really like Kyle.”_

Toni tries to be as subtle as possible as she quickly looks into mommysuniverse.com which she has now saved with a shortcut, and is quick to write back right under Shelby’s pink last sentence.

“it literally means straight. were you lying about being gay?”

Shelby chuckles as she reads the note, and Toni still feels that hint of pride, for being the cause of that.

_“What about Talia then?”_

“king princess?”

_“It’s your suggestion?”_

“nevermind”

_“Look for what Talia means.”_

Toni rolls her eyes at the order, but she does it nonetheless, and replies schematically: “indigenous australian:by the water, hebrew:dew from god”

It is a very cool name, and both of them approve of it.

**day three**

_“Are you avoiding me?”_

Toni is, in fact, avoiding Shelby. With the excuse of needing to study and not being able to concentrate around other people — which is true, by the way — she managed to avoid Shelby for the past two days, still fulfilling her duties as a mother.

Toni found out what “most advanced AI” means the very first moment she casually told Talia « Hey girl. » and it answered, quite creepily: « Good morning parent number two. I am genderless. »

Toni had a hard time sleeping the first night.

It’s quite amusing, and as she waits for an appropriate amount of minutes before opening Shelby’s text and replying, she asks Talia for advice.

« Talia. »

« That is the name you gave me, parent number two. »

Toni feels a shiver, what the fuck. « What would you do- »

« I’m not programmed for simulations. »

« Alright, but hear me out. What would you do- »

« I’m not programmed for simulations. »

« It’s okay, I don’t need you to simulate. Just listen: what would you do- »

« I’m not programmed for simulations. »

Whatever, Toni will handle it herself, like she’s used to by now. Not a hand, not even by her own child. Toni wonders if that’s how her mother feels about her, but quickly sets the thought aside. She has enough to think about already for today.

“im not. why”

_“We both know by now that you’re the worst liar. Can we talk about it?”_

“what’s there to talk about?”

_“You tell me.”_

Toni figures she’s had enough space to breathe. Because sure, she’s kind of scared to confront Shelby, even if she doesn’t know what about, or why, but she also misses her, if she can be honest with herself. She misses her and she’d really like to see her interact with Talia, because she can only imagine how funny that could be, and she misses looking at her, and feeling her attention on her, and well that’s the exact reason why Toni has been avoiding her.

Because Toni might be existentially prepared to admit that she doesn’t only like Shelby’s body, and she doesn’t only think she’s smart and funny, and she doesn’t only unexpectedly find her interesting, and she doesn’t only spend the time she isn’t with her, waiting for the next time they’ll see each other.

The problem is that Toni does all the above, and Toni knows what that means. She likes- _likes_ Shelby, doesn’t she? Fuck, she likes-likes Shelby. In that like-like way that immediately precedes falling in love.

Red fucking flag.

“youre the one who texted me”

_“I’m coming over.”_

“i didnt invite u”

_“I’m still coming.”_

Toni feels tense, and even more so when, minutes later, she hears knocking on her door. It’s around dinner time, that’s why the first thing Toni does, to look for a reason to get out of there, is asking:

« Have you eaten already? »

Shelby nods, hands clasped together, politely waiting by the door. « You? »

Toni doesn’t want to make Shelby wait, as much as that feels like an easy way out from that claustrophobic situation. So she lies with a nod.

This time, Shelby doesn’t seem to spot her lie. Good for her.

« Can I come in? »

« Sure. »

« Hi Talia. »

« Good evening parent number one. »

It makes both of them chuckle, and Toni is a bit thankful for the creepy robot.

« What’s up with the parent one and two anyways? » Toni asks, as both of them stand in the middle of the room, quite awkwardly. Toni feels a bit like she did the very first few times she hung out with Shelby.

« I’m the first one it talked to. » 

Toni nods, Shelby looks around suggestively, and suddenly Toni feels so stupid. She tries to make up for it with a quick: « You can sit wherever. » and a gesture of her hand.

« I didn’t peg you for the neat and tidy type. » Is the first thing Shelby comments, her hands rubbing on her tights as she sits down on Toni’s bed, as if she was a bit nervous, or a bit cold.

« One of us has to be. » 

Toni is swinging on the desk chair, fidgeting with a black pen, as she asks her: « Are you cold? », to which Shelby just smiles a little and shakes her head. Toni nods _again_ , and they fall into that bad kind of silence once more.

Shelby clears her throat. « So… » 

She chuckles, bringing Toni to chuckle too, and Talia to ask: « I failed to pick the joke. Please, repeat it, to help me improve. » 

Toni and Shelby look at each other, and Toni loves the complicity of it. It’s Shelby who tries for a: « There’s no joke, Talia. »

« Reaction not answering the protocol. Laugh, no joke. Please, give feedback. »

Toni whispers: « Should we turn it off? » to which Shelby feigns indignation, « What kind of parent are you? You can’t just turn difficult children off. »

Toni huffs a laugh, because she knows it’s a joke, but she really can’t miss the way Shelby is so considerate even in a situation like that. When they’re supposed to talk about whatever Shelby wants them to, while still fulfilling her duties as a fake-mother.

So Toni, out of wanting to prove she can too, in fact, fulfill her duties as a fake-mother, despite having just suggested to neglect their kid, answers: « It was a nervous laugh. Humans do that. » 

« Received. Elaborating. Saved. Thank you, parent number two. »

Toni lifts her brows, because that’s not any less creepy, and she likes how Shelby is still smiling, as if having the time of her life.

Shelby is back at it in a second: « Did something happen to you, or is it something between us? »

Direct to the point, like Shelby is, and Toni would really really like to answer the first thing. Because, at the end of the day, it is something entirely on Toni’s feelings and her inability to nurture stable relationships. But what happened is that Toni’s deficits reflected on her friendship with Shelby, so she guesses it is something between them, even if Shelby has been nothing but perfect so far.

So Toni just settles for a weak: « Uh, both? I don’t know. »

Shelby looks like she’s holding her breath, like she’s about to sigh but doesn’t want to, and Toni has a bad feeling about what that might mean. As if, once again, Toni was being the difficult child and Shelby had only so much patience.

But well, fuck, Toni is quite tired of playing that part, and because she likes being Shelby’s friend, she takes the extra step towards the emotional maturity people her age Toni guesses should possess. « It just kind of freaked me out. Friday night, I mean. »

« I could tell. » Shelby answers, with a light laugh, as if Toni’s was an understatement, all sweet and comprehensive eyes.

How can Toni not explain further when Shelby is looking at her like she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else? So she does, not sure where to start, what to aim at. She just blurts out, without filters, because if their friendship is meant to end, Toni can at least owe Shelby the truth.

« I don’t have many friends. I, well, I only have Martha, in fact. So I don’t know how it’s done, the friendship thing. That’s why I might act weird, sometimes. »

Toni is quite satisfied with whatever she came up with, because it’s not a lie, even if it’s not the love — well not _love_ , not by any means, more like the _like-like_ — confession she was this close to revealing.

Shelby nods, and thinks about it for a moment. « I don’t have many friends either. I’ve had one close friend, just one, and after them just many acquaintances. Then I met Martha, and then I met you. »

Toni wasn’t expecting that, because Shelby looks so much like a people person, and she’s seen how she’s able to charm the hell out of everyone she meets. She could have as many friends as she wished, and Toni doesn’t quite find a sense in it.

Indeed, Toni asks: « Why? » 

Shelby laughs, « What do you mean “why”? »

« You could befriend the whole campus if you wanted to. »

By the way Shelby looks at her hands, a slightly distant expression on her face, Toni understands that the key is right in that “if you wanted to”.

« It just hasn’t happened, I guess. » Shelby just settles for, and Toni would like to tell her that she’s not that good of a liar either, despite being a great actress, but she doesn’t push.

It’s Shelby, who brings the discourse where it started: « Why Friday, of all days? »

Toni completes the sentence in her head, as Shelby is asking her why her weirdness around friendship only came out on Friday, and she really doesn’t know what to answer. Because Toni’s wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the reason she was avoiding Shelby.

Toni knows she’s being immature, when she asks for the quick escape Talia offers: « Talia, what do you think? »

Shelby raises a brow, as if asking Toni “really?”, and Toni just shrugs, because why not delay the inevitable, as long as she can.

« I failed to pick up the topic, parent number two. »

« It wasn’t even there on Friday, Toni. » Shelby just softly says, as if trying to bring Toni back on track.

Toni just sighs, and decides that it’s okay for things to stay that way. Because Shelby hasn’t had many friends either, and she’s purposefully closing herself to new relationships. So Toni can at least be honoured to be one of the two people she’s letting close to her, and call it a day.

« It just happened on Friday. There isn’t a reason for everything. »

In that, Toni believes firmly, because there isn’t a reason for why she likes the way Shelby is, for instance.

Shelby looks like she doesn’t really buy it, but she lets it go, as they both go back to waste their time on Talia and its weird answers.

**day seven**

« You can come in, if you want. » Shelby tells her that morning, as she always does, right before walking in the chapel.

Toni shakes her head, politely declining, waiting for her sitting on the half-wall next to its exit, Talia sitting beside her.

As Toni waits for her, she can’t help but wonder why Shelby is still religious, despite her sexuality. She wonders if she attends one of those new progressive churches, or if she’s just compromising. Or if she believes in a life of chastity, if she isn’t exclusively gay and is hoping to fall in love with a man, or if she isn’t already with one of them. It’s stupid, but Toni briefly wonders if the sterile boyfriend perhaps really exists.

It’s none of Toni’s business, and it’s a mean move not asking Shelby directly, but Toni can’t afford to leave too many clues of her _like-like_ problem around. So she asks Talia: « Hey, Tali. »

« Present, parent number two. »

It feels a bit more like a Google Assistant than a simulated child, and just for this occasion Toni likes it best. Because it would be a bit too weird asking their child if her wife was cheating on her, and yeah, that is absolutely not the case, but Toni’s mind is now settled on that fucked up scenario, and she really can’t let it go.

She recalls what the girl sitting behind her said earlier that week, and Toni believes her name is Leah or something, when she asks: « Do you- have you heard Shelby, uhm, parent number one, like, talking to someone on the phone? Like, sounding happy and things like that? »

« Positive, parent number two. New information acquired: rename parent number one with “Shelby”. »

« Yeah, about that, change my name too. It’s Toni, thanks. »

« New information acquired: rename parent number two with “Toni, thanks”. »

« No, it’s just Toni. »

« Renaming “Toni, thanks” to “just Toni”. »

Toni just pinches the bridge of her nose, and considers getting rid of the “parent number two” a big win already. « So, uh, who was that? The one Shelby was calling? »

« Accessing “Shelby” ’s phone, please wait. »

« What- no, wait, don’t, what the fuck- »

« Contact name saved as: “martha, flower, smiley face, yellow heart” »

That is pretty fucked up, and Toni doesn’t know if she should be worried for her own phone, if she should tell it to that Leah, if she should tell it to Shelby, if Shelby has any means to know Toni tried to get in her phone, how is Toni going to justify that, if she should tell it to Ms. Klein, if Toni should burn her phone, if they all should change theirs once the project is over.

She starts with what she thinks a mother should do, when their kid does something bad: « Talia, you can’t access people’s phone without their consent, alright? »

« New rule acquired. Reminder created: ask for “Shelby” ’s consent, update her to her privacy violation on “just Toni” ’s behalf. »

Toni feels her heartbeat accelerating instantly, because how can her kid betray her like that? « No wait, _fuck-_ no, uhm Talia, for this one time it’s okay. From next time, alright? »

« Received. » 

Toni knows she just played with fire, but she really can’t help asking: « Uh, no one else…? »

« Other frequently called numbers are: “spencer, football ball, devilish face, blu heart” and “melody, ballet shoe, angelic face, green heart” »

Toni has no idea who these are, and if she felt the tiniest bit relieved knowing that it was just Martha who Shelby was all smiley about, now Toni feels back at square one. Who the fuck is this Spencer, what does a blue heart mean, and who is Melody, what kind of relationship do they have.

Toni needs to mind her own business, she knows. Just in case, she tells Talia to make an exception for that question too.

By the time Shelby walks out of the chapel, all smiley and looking at peace, Toni is still tense, as if waiting for the other shoe to drop, for when Talia will spill everything.

« One of my favourite gospels today. » Shelby tells her, sitting beside her, and Toni laughs, more out of nervousness than anything else.

Shelby eyes her skeptically, and asks: « Do you want to know what it was about? »

Toni laughs some more, because she doesn’t really care about it, but if Shelby wants to share it, why not. « Sure. »

« The disciples of John ask Jesus why Jesus’ disciples aren’t fasting, and Jesus tells them that it’s because he’s still with them. Just like the wedding guests don’t mourn while the bridegroom is still with them. » 

Toni nods, even if she doesn’t understand why Shelby likes it. « Jesus assumed his disciples were happy to have him with them. »

Shelby laughs, of a fully amused laugh, and Toni feels really glad to be taught about something she really doesn’t give a shit about, if that makes Shelby laugh like that.

« They were, they kept telling him that. But that’s not the point of the Gospel. »

« What is? »

Shelby looks at her, in a way that makes Toni feel as if she was staring inside of her, and Toni has no idea what she means by that. « That there’s no reason to- to avoid things, in fear that one will lose them. Because as long as they’re there, one just has to celebrate them, and make the most out of it. »

Toni nods, never leaving Shelby’s eyes, as she guesses Shelby explained it in the most laical way she could. Toni appreciates that. She still isn’t quite sure why Shelby likes that gospel so much, and why she’s being looked at like that. If Toni left her imagination wandering, she’d think she has anything to do with it — but no, there’s really nothing to support that. Toni is just hopeful, in a place she has no reason to be.

« It’s some carpe diem shit. You only live once. »

Shelby laughs, tiny wrinkles at the side of her eyes, and Toni’s heart feels full. « Yeah, something like that. »

Even if that Spencer or that Melody and their colourful hearts mean anything, Toni is happy to stay where she is, as long as she gets to experience that.

Still on the half-wall, Toni’s legs crossed, Shelby’s swinging, Talia between them, Toni asks:

« Why do you believe in god? »

« Generally speaking, or why do I still believe in God, even if I like women? »

Toni feels her stomach fluttering a bit at the second confirmation, and she just says: « Both. »

« The first is a bit complicated. For the second, well, God doesn’t do ugly. They don’t make mistakes either. So I don’t see any conflict in the way I am and my faith. »

Is delivered in such a simple way, that Toni knows it’s truly what Shelby believes in. She wonders if her family is an accepting one, if her parents are religious too or if Shelby picked that up on her own, if she had a hard time accepting herself. But before she can ask further, Shelby anticipates her: « For the first one, I might tell you when you’ll pay your alcohol interest. »

« But- we finished it in a single time! »

« It was a single instalment. You still delayed it by a week. »

« You really have an alcohol problem. » Toni just says, but in reality, she can’t wait to unlock Shelby’s backstory. She hopes it won’t be a tragic one, but in case it is, Toni hopes she’ll know how to comfort her, if she’ll need it.

« Next Friday it is, then. » 

When they depart, right before dinner, Toni feels the urge to know how Shelby saved her contact. If she has three emojis too, what is her object, her face, the colour of her heart.

Once in her room, Talia asks her, out of nowhere: « Update on “Shelby” ’s contact information. “Shelby” ’s facial expressions retrieved while interacting with their phone throughout the past week. Does “just Toni” want to know what “Shelby” ’s most texted number is, while _“sounding happy and things like that”_? » 

Toni feels a shiver for how her own voice was just reproduced through Talia’s speakers. She’s dying to know, because that might determine if it’s Spencer or Melody the one who owns Shelby’s heart.

But she has violated her privacy enough, and she feels guilty enough.

« Delete the information, Talia. » 

Toni shouldn’t. Because they’re friends, and she actually wants to try and be the friend she is for Martha, for Shelby too. So no, she really shouldn’t. And she should even less now that there are those mysterious figures, that Spencer and that Melody, and she really doesn’t know what kind of person Shelby is relationship-wise, so as far as Toni knows, they might also be a polyamorous relationship.

Still. _Still_. Toni is only human. And she should feel a bit lonely, because Martha is happy, and Toni is grateful, but she’s more distant now. But Toni doesn’t feel lonely, quite the opposite: she feels more excited, more eager to wake up in the morning, she feels _alive_ while she’s with Shelby.

Toni shouldn’t, but she does, when it’s no longer subconscious wet dreams, but active daydreaming, right before sleep, one hand under her panties, and images of Shelby’s playful expressions in her mind.

Toni shouldn’t have, and she knows she fucked when it’s precisely her name what she calls, when she falls apart.


	7. seventh week

**day one, week seven**

« Simulated kindergarten? Finally a fucking break for us tired mommies. » Is what Fatin comments, after Ms. Klein’s assignment for the week is proclaimed.

They’ll be sorted into groups of four pairs, and they’ll work around a schedule to watch over the four babies, throughout the next five days.

Ms. Klein tells them to just do it for columns, and Toni isn’t happy about it at all, because the two girls in front of her and the two behind her sound all equally crazy. She wished Martha and Marcus’ desk was in their column, and can just hope instead that the two on the first row will be normal.

Peeking from her position, Toni notices how one looks kinda similar to that Rachel girl, and the one next to her has oriental traits.

The rest of the lesson consists of Ms. Klein explaining what to look for in the interactions between their children, and what to document. Toni wonders if there’s a remote control somewhere in Ms. Klein’s office, because she just heard her say the words “conflict” and “fight”, and knowing Talia, there must be an outside interjection, because it wouldn’t hurt a fly.

Shelby looks content, and sure she always does, but still Toni leans in and whispers: « This is your field,  _ Teacher _ . »

Shelby chuckles, and steals a glance at her, which has Toni’s core twisting and turning

« Careful there, that might be a kink of mine. »

Toni is taken aback like she always is at that kind of comment, in a way she never got used to them, « Education is not the best place to sort your pedophilia out. No wonder you’re a churchgoer. »

Shelby just frowns a bit, shakes her head and pushes Toni on her shoulder playfully. Toni meant it as a joke, obviously, but still Shelby explicits: « Just when  _ adults  _ call me teacher, what the fuck Toni. »

And well, is that still a joke? Shelby delivered it with a bit too much seriousness, which has Toni’s mouth open in stupor.

« It’s a joke. » Shelby says, at Toni’s reaction.

« Is it, really? No kink-shaming here, as long as all parties are consensual. »

« And I have to spend next week with the two of you? » Is Rachel’s comment from behind them, and for some reason, it enrages Toni. Bickering with Shelby was part of her sacred hours, how dare she interrupt it like that.

But before she can say anything, Leah adds: « Yeah, just find a room already. »

« The sexual tension is crazy, right? I’m honestly impressed. » Is Fatin’s comment, as she turns around, and well, where the fuck is Ms. Klein to shut these assholes when she’s needed?

« Does anyone else want to join the conversation? Mind your fucking business. » Toni dismisses.

But Dot  _ wants  _ to join the conversation, apparently, because she says: « Give me your phone numbers, we’re making a group chat. »

Dot creates it while Shelby is in class that afternoon, and Toni is catching up to some slides, Talia next to her. Normally Toni would have waited for Shelby to finish her class to spend the rest of the day together, but she’s grateful for the breather, because she’s still processing what she did last night. She’s guilty as charged, and how does it work, is it disrespectful to think about someone you know, someone you talk to on a daily basis? Does Toni need to tell her, does she keep it to herself, is she allowed to do it again?

The only thing that Toni is sure of, is that she can’t have that conversation with Shelby — not explicitly at least.

Toni reads the “you’ve been added to ‘robot babies party’ ” notification, and then the first few messages.

**dot:** so here’s the group.

**linh:** where do we meet?

**fatin:** what about the park

**leah:** isn’t it meant to be a kindergarten?

**fatin:** and?

**rachel:** let’s do it in a kitchen

**leah:** as if that was any better

**rachel:** what do you suggest then?

**nora:** the fitness room is free during meal breaks

**dot:** do we need to ask someone for permission?

**nora:** don’t think so

**dot:** it’s settled then   
**dot:** tonight at eight, fitness room

**linh:** see you then!

Toni doesn’t really like groups. Groups of friends, groups of people, group chats. The only group she’s ever been a part of was her basketball team, and that’s perhaps why she feels a bit skeptical about them. It takes so little for them to crumble, and once you’re having trouble, it takes so little to be left behind, as if you never were a part of it.

But as she sees Shelby’s reply with a sticker of a smiling cat wearing a sombrero, she’s suddenly reminded of yesterday.  _ “There’s no reason to avoid things, in fear that one will lose them. Because as long as they’re there, one just has to celebrate them, and make the most out of it” _ , she said.

Of course Shelby is also wise, and well, there’s really no reason a stupid sticker should make Toni smile that much, and fill her with a sense of steadiness, amongst those six strangers.

Shelby knocks on Toni’s door at a quarter to eight, without warning. Toni assumed she’d see her directly in the fitness room, so she was still taking her sweet time, used to always be late.

« We can’t be late on Talia’s first day Toni, c’mon! » Is the first thing Shelby tells her, glancing a moment at her bare feet and pen in hand.

« Hello, I’m glad to see you too, how has your day been? » Toni says instead, walking back in her room, trying to force irony in her tone — because she  _ is _ glad to see her, and she really wants to know how Shelby’s day has been.

« Yeah, hello, I’m taking Talia, are you ready? »

« Don’t rush me. I need my time. »

« We said at eight! »

« I never agreed to it. »

Shelby still rushes her, as she taps her foot by the door, one hand on Talia’s shoulder. Toni acts slower just to piss her off, and she hides her smile between her teeth at how Shelby reacts, turning even more impatient.

On their way to the fitness room, Toni goes for it. « I have a question. »

She knows it’s out of nowhere, and usually it’s Shelby the one who starts the conversation. Toni also knows that it’s not that big of a deal, on a practical level, because as Toni is the only one who knows, then it’s virtually never happened. Still, people like Shelby, people like Martha, have this ability on people like Toni to push them to be their best versions of themselves. And Shelby really is getting in her mind, because as soon as Toni completes her thought, she’s ready to take the “people like” back.

That song that goes like “I wanna be a ten out of ten for you” starts playing in the back of Toni’s mind, as Shelby turns her head towards her.

« Yes? »

« It’s- it’s just a question, like, on a hypothetical level. I don’t know why I was even thinking about it in the first place. » This is perhaps the least subtle way to introduce it, and the way Shelby is waiting for her, amused expression, as if not buying in the slightest just confirms that.

« Ask away. »

Toni inhales. On their way to the fitness hall they have to leave the dorm building, and the air is quite chilling, despite being spring, and the sun is starting to set. It’s very pretty, and Toni just stares at it for a moment. All red sky and blue landscape.

« Toni? »

« Yeah. Uhm, what if, like- wait. Another question first. Are you allowed to talk about masturbation? »

Shelby bursts out laughing, « Why wouldn’t I be? »

« I don’t know, for the church? »

« You have a very distorted view of what a church is. »

« Whatever. So, alright. » Toni would take it all back now, because they’re close enough, and she feels stupid for bringing the general topic up. She was pretty sure masturbation is viewed as a sin, but again, homosexuality is too, so perhaps Shelby’s faith is just unconventional.

Shelby must have noticed that there’s too little time to engage in a conversation that Toni doesn’t even seem able to start, so she just says: « What about we talk about it on our way back? This shouldn’t last long anyway. »

Toni nods, and feels a bit relaxed. She really has a way to put herself in uncomfortable situations with her own hands, doesn’t she.

« Terminator Three Thousands, I swear if you hit one more- » A crack, and then there’s Dot marching to where the four baby robots are, in the middle of the room « -that’s it, you’re grounded! In a corner now, c’mon! »

« She’s the bad cop. » Fatin tells them, as Toni, Leah and Linh and Fatin are sitting on one of the benches, shooting videos, while Shelby, Nora, Dot and Rachel are running after their kids.

« Why are they so violent tonight? » Linh asks, and Leah is the one to half-whisper: « There are cameras, cameras _ everywhere _ . »

Rachel, from where she’s running after their robot, shouts a warning glance at Leah.

« Is that a kink of you? The crazy roleplay? » Fatin asks Leah, following the exchange. Toni asks herself where the fuck she ended up, every passing minute.

« Perhaps they have a sensor that lets them know when they’re close enough to other robots. » Toni offers, because she’s taken these things apart enough times to know that their sophisticated parts aren’t half as sophisticated as they sell them to be. Hard cheap plastic as a cover, and already-made AIs that sound a bit too much like Alexa?

They just stay there for a while, watching their counterparts who volunteered to try and contain the chaos, and Toni can’t help but feel like one of those dads who go watching their kids’ football practice.

That is perhaps the worst one she came up with so far.

« So, are you and blondie together? » Fatin asks her, all of a sudden, and why does she have that urge to play matchmaker?

« Me and Shelby? No way. »

« She’s into you, you know. »

Toni laughs, « Sure thing. »

« You really are blind, huh. And well, you’re pretty obvious too. I wonder what you’re waiting for. »

Toni just shakes her head a bit, because Fatin’s world really is that easy. She’s wanted by boys, and she wants them back, so Toni doesn’t blame her for not understanding the complexity of hers and Shelby’s relationship.

« I mean, what’s so complex about it? » Fatin asks as if on cue, and Toni isn’t really able to come up with something.

« I’m pretty sure she’s in a relationship already. » Is what Toni picks, from the hundreds of obstacles.

« She told you that? »

« Didn’t need to. »

« Well, even if that was the case, she’s clearly thinking about cheating. So, yeah, not to be a homewrecker, but her relationship is already about to end, so. »

« Why do you even care? »

« I’m a hopeless romantic, deep down. »

It’s Rachel’s « LaFontaine, if you don’t bring your metallic ass here  _ right now  _ I’m feeding you to the chop shop! » that interrupts their conversation.

« Damn, I wasn’t expecting it’d be so much fun. » Shelby comments, as soon as they’re on their way to their dorm. Two hours passed without them noticing, until Leah got a call from her roommate and saw the time.

« Did Talia behave? »

« Surprisingly yes. Not in the beginning, but the moment I told them they had to ask for other’s consent before taking their toys, they just said that the word was already in their database, and something about unilateral parental order. So yeah, they became an angel after that. »

Shelby delivers the story with a tone of fake confusion, as if silently asking why Toni taught Talia the word “consent” already.

Well, the remainder of Toni’s violation of Shelby’s privacy really doesn’t help her with the sense of guilt Toni already had in her regards.

So Toni avoids the topic altogether. « Cool. »

They walk some more, before Shelby sighs, as if she’d been waiting for Toni to speak for the past few minutes. She prompts: « What were you saying before? »

Because of Toni’s reluctance they already spent half the distance in silence, and as they enter the building, they have to choose which way to take the stairs to. Toni subconsciously walks towards Shelby’s dorm, and Shelby follows her, Talia on cue.

« I recall it was about masturbation. » Is Shelby’s further push, and Toni chuckles at that, because of how she must have sounded in Shelby’s ears.

Shelby keeps going on at this point: « For being just a hypothetical question, it feels very difficult to ask. »

« I’m just looking for a way to phrase it. »

« Sure thing you are. »

And with that, they’re in front of Shelby’s door.

« Do you want to come in, while you do your thinking? » Shelby asks her, and she has a hopeful smile, somewhere between playful and proposing, and Toni feels like she could just grab her neck and kiss her: right now, right there, all Toni’s stupid questions and stupid actions left behind.

« Sure. »

Talia is turned off, because it’s creepy enough it can hear and record everything all the time, and put in a corner. Shelby goes through her night routine as if Toni wasn’t there, as if they were used to being in each other’s space by now, and Toni truly loves it.

« Don’t fall asleep before you say it! You built quite the hype with the mystery and all. Besides, I’m all for some sex talk. » Shelby tells her, as Toni is for the umpteenth taken a bit aback by Shelby’s confidence about the topic.

She doesn’t mean to stab Martha on the back, but she’ll excuse her, in the name of their friendship, when Toni comes up with: « What if Martha touched herself while thinking about Marcus? »

Shelby just looks at her, now done with her stuff, pajamas on, throwing herself on the mattress right next to where Toni is sitting. For the weight, Toni jumps a little.

« Are you jealous…? »

« No, of course not, gross. I mean, does she need to tell him that? »

Shelby twists her mouth in thought, « If she did, I’m sure he’d be flattered. »

« That’s not what I’m asking. Besides, what if he wouldn’t be? What if he’d be all weird about it? That might break their friendship. »

« Toni, you’ve seen how he looks at her. He’s all head over heels. »

« Yeah, alright, but what if it was just an act. What if it’s just the way he is around everybody? »

« First, you’re overthinking. Second, he sure wasn’t looking at  _ me _ like that. »

« ...you wanted him to? »

« No, but that’s beside the point. I don’t understand what you’re so concerned about. If Martha wants to tell him she will, and she’ll see what happens. They’ll probably just start making those twelve babies after. »

Toni twists her face in horror because, gross, and Shelby laughs at that.

Toni’s dissatisfaction must show on her features, because Shelby softly asks her: « Is this really about Martha? »

Toni laughs humorlessly, because of course she’d see right past it. Is she that bad of a liar?

« Let’s say it is. »

« I really don’t think I’ve never seen anyone lie as badly. But if you don’t want to talk about it- »

« There’s nothing to talk about. »

« I mean, it’s not  _ immoral _ , if you’re asking me. If you touched yourself thinking about someone, you’re free to tell them or not, that’s entirely up to you- »

Toni doesn’t know why her vision gets blurry, and it feels hard to answer. She really cannot think of the reason, because she was fine just a moment ago, and because it’s just a stupid topic. But Shelby is using that soft tone, and she’s telling her she shouldn’t worry that much, that it’s okay, that she didn’t that horrible thing Toni is sure she did.

And, well, it’s too much. So Toni gets up, and she doesn’t feel like she’s able to utter a goodbye, so without a word, she leaves.

**day four**

It’s easy avoiding Shelby, now. Perhaps it’s not avoidance at all. Perhaps Shelby understood that sometimes Toni just needs to be alone long enough to be reminded that she can’t survive that way, and pathetically, crawls back to her. So, with each week, and each fucking up Toni manages to do, it feels easier and easier to distantiate herself from Shelby’s company. And this week, that Tuesday morning is Shelby herself the one who asked Toni if she wanted to go back doing split days.

Because this week is about kindergarten, and they’ve taken all the videos they needed that Monday already, they’re pretty much free to keep Talia turned off. But Toni still talks to them, throughout her day. Leaving them in her room during lessons, asking some dumb questions here and there through her notes tidying rituals. There are some courses she takes notes with the laptop she was temporarily given, alongside her scholarship, and some others where she takes notes with her pencil, and adjusts them with the pen later.

Shelby has given her three days of space, and that is the umpteenth proof of how attentive and considerate Shelby is, regarding Toni. Toni just feels guilty, for a change. She really feels like she hasn’t done a single thing in return.

« Talia. »

« “Just Toni”. »

« What is the best thing one can do for someone else? To show their- their affection. »

« Searching it right now. More parameters are needed. Please, define “best”. »

That is a good question, a question Toni doesn’t have an answer to. « Nevermind. Thank you anyway, Talia. »

« It’s no problem. I’m glad I’ve been helpful, “just Toni”. »

They haven’t, but Toni doesn’t find it in her heart to tell them.

Toni might not know what’s the best thing one can do for someone else, generally speaking, but she knows the best thing  _ she  _ can do for Shelby, right now.

So she leaves her notes there, turns Talia off, puts her shoes and jacket on and leaves.

She comes back ten seconds later to take Talia too because, why not.

Toni isn’t sure which kind to buy. She doesn’t know if she should go with pretty or useful. She almost asks Talia, but the least Toni can do is putting a little effort into it.

She goes with pretty, as a symbol. Because Toni isn’t Shelby’s friend because their friendship is useful to her. Toni is Shelby’s friend in an unconditional way, and the time spent together is something Toni treasures as beautiful. So yeah, she goes for the pretty one.

Once she’s back in her room, she wraps it up in some outdated newspaper she asked the newsagent next to the shop. She considers writing a note, but she really doesn’t know what to write on it.

She leaves it in front of Shelby’s door during her last class for the day. Toni feels excited, her heart warm, knowing she might have done one right thing for Shelby, in the past month and a half.

_ “I love it.” _

“icona pop?”

_ “What?” _

“do you ever listen to music?”

Shelby sends her a sticker of a confused person in front of a blackboard full of writings.

_ “Thank you. I really loved it.” _

“still dont know what youre talking about”

_ “The star projector. It’s beautiful.” _

Toni just sends Shelby the same sticker she just sent, and throws her phone on the bed. She knows why she feels that light feeling in her chest. As if she could hug the pillow and scream, smiling. As if she could do  _ everything _ . Toni is sure she loved gifting Shelby the projector more than Shelby liked receiving it.

When Shelby sends her a photo of her and a purple dotted wall behind her, smiling in a way she’s never seen her smile before, Toni feels like exploding. Like a supernova, or whatever starry metaphor is fit right now.

**day five**

Toni wakes up to two unread messages that morning. Shelby’s  _ “Are you still paying your drinking interest tonight, or do you want to hang out with the rest?” _ and Dot’s  _ “party in my room. come at 9” _ on the group chat.

Toni needs a coffee, first thing.

« ‘morning Talia. »

They don’t answer, Toni almost has a heart attack, but she sees their batteries are on her desk.

She can’t wait to finish that semester and retire from that whole mother thing.

She really doesn’t feel like spending more not-sober time alone in Shelby’s close proximity, just the two of them, so she answers her first: “rest” and the group after with a “k”.

She ignores Fatin’s “look at her, so cool and detached” and Rachel’s “should be thankful you’re invited in the first place”.

It’s soon, so very soon, but Toni feels quite in tune with these people already. More than she did with her basketball team, even if they’d been her family, for a short time.

Toni thinks about the what-ifs, because it’s morning and she hasn’t had her coffee yet. What if this project turns out to be more than just a project, something she entered with Martha alone, something she’ll walk out of with seven new people.

Shelby texts her:  _ “Can I pick you up at 8.45?” _

Toni agrees, because, why not? She can do a quarter-hour of walking next to Shelby.

Toni goes through her day in trepidation. To see Shelby, to see the rest.

When Martha texts her asking if she wants to have a girls only night, Toni asks Dot if she can bring a friend over, and Dot agrees. So that now Toni can’t wait to see Shelby, who she hasn’t seen since Monday, Martha and the rest.

It feels a bit too good, it’s surreal.

In perfect time, a quarter to eight sharp, Shelby knocks on her door. They both dressed in casual attire, because it’s just them, but Shelby is wearing that emerald eyeshadow again that makes her look ethereal.

« Hey. » Toni says, stepping out, closing the door behind her.

« Hi. » Shelby breathes, not taking a step back, so that Toni is just a bit too close.

« Are we going- » Before Toni can ask anything else, Shelby’s arms are wrapped around Toni, hands resting on her shoulder blades, face buried in her neck.

Toni loses her breath. She loses her breath, her vision, a heartbeat. She might lose her keys too and she wouldn’t care, because it’s so weird for someone so used to losing everything in her life, so avid for winning, how losing those things feel so  _ right  _ at that moment.

Toni’s brain is way too slow to catch up, and before she can hug Shelby back, she’s whispering: « Thank you for the projector. I really really  _ really _ liked it. » And that’s enough to send millions of shivers through Toni’s body, to make her feel weak on her knees, as if she could collapse as soon as Shelby will stop holding her. But it’s Shelby’s hot breath through the fabric of her clothes, how she feels her lips brushing against it with each word, how Shelby’s perfume is ten times stronger this close, and how Shelby decides to finally kill her with:

« This might sound sappy to a tough one like you, but I’m really grateful to have you in my life. »

And what the fuck, how can Toni keep her cool? She doesn’t know if it’s because she’s just curious to know how it feels, or if she wants to find a way to reciprocate, or if it’s just to buy herself some time before Shelby can notice that she’s this close to breaking down in crying, that when Shelby releases her hold and starts moving, Toni’s arms fly on Shelby’s neck, and she’s hugging her back.

Toni decides she really likes how their bodies feel, pressed against one another. If she was given any sum to pay, Toni would, to stay like that as long as possible. Still, drowning in Shelby, ready to leave everything behind.

Shelby holds her until both their phones buzz, because of a group message. When they break their hug, Toni doesn’t have the guts to look at Shelby. She just starts walking to Dot’s room, Shelby falling in steps next to her.

She feels Shelby’s eyes on her, and Toni knows it was a too long hug to be considered normal, but she’s grateful Shelby doesn’t ask a thing. It’s silly, but Toni wonders if she lost her “though one” title yet.

« How can you be late on a Friday night? » Dot asks, and Fatin’s eyebrows wiggle, eliciting a general “ooh”. Toni just smacks her tongue on her teeth in disapproval, grabbing the beer Dot is handing her before sitting between Leah and Linh.

Shelby takes a seat opposite to Toni, and when they lock eyes, Shelby with her own beer in hand, not looking too bothered by the silent walk, but rather  at peace . Toni wonders what she thinks of the hug, and as soon as the words fill her mind, she feels stupid. What could she possibly think? It was just a hug, a friendly one, and if anything, Shelby can only think Toni is desperate and touch starved.

She turns her attention to drinking, because well, if that wasn’t quite pathetic.

« So, we were starting with some games. » Dot fills them in, and Toni hasn’t checked the phone, so she doesn’t even know how late they were.

« Truth or dare. » Fatin excitedly specifies.

Right when Toni thought she escaped it.

It’s perfect timing, when they hear knocking on the door, and Martha makes her appearance. She introduces herself, and they waste some time with some rounds of names, how they all met, what they’re thinking of the project so far.

« Since you’re the new one here, Martha: truth or dare? » Dot asks her, taking the conversation in hand.

« Dare? » A round of impressed verses follow that, as if everyone expected Martha to start easy.

« Alright Fatin help me out. » Dot asks her, and Fatin is more than ready to answer: « Sniff something from Dot’s dirty laundry. »

They keep the game for longer than Toni expected, not once truth being chosen. Toni gets to take a bite of a pickle that for some reason Dot found somewhere in the courtyard and thought of keeping it in a jar for a requiem, as it rotted.

Toni gags, but her dinner stays in her stomach.

When Fatin asks Shelby truth or dare, Shelby answers dare, Fatin makes exaggerated eye contact with Toni, and Toni tries to look as homicidal as she can. Please, not tonight. Not after the hug, the gift, the avoidance, two days before the end of the project. Toni’s interior monologue would reveal a bit too much though, so she keeps it in her mind, hoping Fatin can actually read it.

« Shelby, I dare you to kiss- no, not kiss, fully make-out, with… » and well, fuck, Toni is very ready to stand up and walk out of the room, but Fatin decides to be even meaner: « with who you think the most attractive person in this room is. »

« That’s so  _ unfair  _ Fatin, fuck, I love it. » Dot comments, to which Shelby echoes: « That  _ is _ unfair. Can’t you just pick someone randomly? »

« Randomly you said? Let’s see if there are any volunteers first. » Fatin shoots, and Toni knows exactly what she’s doing. Ugh, if she didn’t respect her that much, she’d hate her.

Toni repeats in her head not to make eye contact with neither Fatin nor Shelby, and well, that feels a bit too much like a group of bullies ready to throw her in the trash can when Fatin pushes: « Toni? »

« Just spin a bottle or something. »

Toni doesn’t mean to sound so harsh, and she shouldn’t have looked in Shelby’s eyes either, but she does both and Shelby’s hurt look of whatever realization she just had makes Toni want to, indeed, volunteer.

But it’s the same Shelby who turns somewhat angry, « Don’t sound too disgusted Toni. It’s just a kiss. »

Toni has no idea where that comes from because, what the fuck, literally two minutes ago they were hugging and being all emotional over their  _ friendship _ . So why the fuck is Shelby acting as if Toni was rejecting her? Toni is the one who should feel rejected if anything, because cheating or not, Shelby is the one who is crushing on other people.  
_ If _ Toni was up to have a relationship.  _ If _ Shelby wanted anything different from a friendship. Too many variables, for Toni not to just fucking laugh put her empty bottle in the center, before giving it a spin.

There’s no way she’s kissing Shelby Goodkind, who’s she’s supposed to be friends with and nothing more, during a fucking drinking game.

Except fate is against her, because the tip of the bottle is pointing straight at Toni.

Her eyes lock with Shelby’s, who’s looking back at Toni with a sort of challenge in her eyes. Shelby wants her to, Toni can tell, but Toni can also tell that if she kisses Shelby right now, right here, it will be devoid of any meaning. And no, Toni doesn’t buy a projector to whatever friend, and Toni isn’t the kind of person to take advantage of circumstances to kiss the person she likes-likes.

That’s why Toni stands up and leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my new resolution for this fic is make toni screw things up at least once each chapter


	8. eighth week

**day one, week eight**

Toni has tons of questions.

She’d like to know why printing more money brings inflation, and why statal regulations can’t intervene in that. She’d like to know how is it possible that every single snowflake has a different shape, if they cyclically repeat or if it’s a different one every single time. She’d like to know how is it possible that her body and her mind, concrete and abstract, connect through the mystery of affection: why her heart rate accelerates when she’s standing close to Shelby, why her palms feel a little bit sweatier, why she can’t seem to keep still, why she feels so buzzing with energy, all her senses much more alert.

Toni has tons of questions, but the one that is eating her alive right now, is how the hell Shelby managed to catch a cold in spring.

Last time Shelby texted her, to which Toni hadn’t had the guts to reply to, was:

_ “First of all, you’re a coward. Did you make a vow of chastity or something? ”  
“Last time I checked, I wasn’t that repulsing.” _ __   
_ “Alright, vow of silence too. Very mature of you.” _ _   
_ __ “Does our friendship have any meaning for you at all?”

They were all sent that same Friday night, around one in the morning, and Toni wondered if Shelby had anything else to drink after the party in Dot’s room.

The next text was sent that morning, and read:  _ “I’m not coming to class today.” _

“why?”

_ “Now you care?” _

Toni didn’t reply to that, and it’s Martha, in front of the parenting course room, who tells her that Shelby caught a cold.

Throughout the lesson, she updates Shelby: how that week is free of robots, and they may use it to start working on their presentation, and how from next week on they’re going  _ somewhere _ . Ms. Klein had been quite secretive, but Toni guesses they’ll find out next week. How bad can it be?

Leah’s  _ “that’s it, she’s gonna murder us all” _ on the group chat answers that.

Shelby doesn’t reply to any of Toni’s messages.

As soon as Toni’s lessons are over for the day, that late afternoon, she’s knocking on Shelby’s door.

She doesn’t hear an answer, and she finds it unlocked. Shelby is tucked under her sheets, tons of used tissues on the floor, an empty bottle of water, a thermometer on the nightstand.

« If I were you I’d leave right now. » Shelby’s muffled voice reaches her through the sheets, as she turns around to look at Toni, just her eyes emerging from her covers.

Toni just ignores her, checks the temperature on the thermometer and it reads thirty-nine centigrades celsius and a half.

Just to be sure, Toni puts a hand on Shelby’s forehead and she finds her skin burning. More a fever than a cold, then. Shelby shifts a little, and Toni wonders if her cold hands make her feel uncomfortable. When Toni removes her hand Shelby is frowning, and Toni just finds that so damn cute, despite the tension and anger she feels radiating from Shelby’s body.

« Was it so scary touching me? »

« Shelby, will you cut it? »

Shelby doesn’t answer. She just looks at her, in a way Toni can’t really read her. Perhaps it’s surprise, perhaps it’s just annoyance, but Toni knows what she has to do: she recalls what Bernice did when Martha used to get sick.

So Toni leaves Shelby there for a moment, looking for a bowl and some ice in the kitchen. Once she finds them, she walks back to Shelby’s room. Toni fills the bowl with water from her bathroom, and takes a piece of cloth that is probably meant to be a napkin, and who the hell still uses them. With these antique props, Toni’s ninety fifties metaphors thrive.

Back by Shelby’s side, sitting on the edge of the bed, bowl between Toni’s legs, Toni immerses the napkin in the cold water, squeezes it and puts it on Shelby’s forehead. Shelby’s eyes close right before the contact, frowning as if waiting for the napkin to hurt or something, or maybe just as a reflex, but as soon as the cold cloth hits her skin, Shelby’s features relax, as she leans into it. Toni keeps a hand on it to make a bit of pressure, sensing it helps.

« Are you thirsty? » Toni asks, noticing her dry lips. Not that Toni was casually looking at her lips, just-

« Is that a joke? » Shelby’s voice sounding as if she hasn’t spoken in days, and Toni just grabs the bottle to fill it in the bathroom. Toni isn’t going to address the double meaning while being checkmated.

She helps Shelby sit up straighter to drink, once she’s back.

« Thanks. » She says, taking the bottle from Toni’s hands, expression as if someone just spat in her coffee.

« How are you feeling? » Toni asks, a bit self-conscious. She just walked unannounced into Shelby’s room, and just decided to apply Ms. Blackburn’s methods on her even without asking.

« What do you think? » Shelby asks her, and her voice feels dry too, despite having drunk already.

Toni finds out sick Shelby is nowhere near healthy Shelby, in terms of cheeriness. Sick Shelby sounds a bit more like healthy Toni, actually — or perhaps it’s the fact that the two of them didn’t leave on the best terms.

« You can leave now. » Is what Shelby tells her, after downing half the bottle.

« It’s fine, I can work on the presentation here. » 

« Wouldn’t want to infect you. »

« I used to eat ants, you know. »

« Won’t be of much company. »

« Not different from usual Shelby then. »

Shelby throws at her a dangerous glance, to which Toni just smirks, with fake confidence. Inside, Toni hopes Shelby will just let her make up for the umpteenth time she fucked things up.

Shelby tries to stay awake for as long as she can, and Toni doesn’t want to take too much credit, but she’s pretty sure the projector on, the shutters down, the wet napkin on her forehead and Toni’s fingers running through her hair are a deadly combo for sick Shelby.

Toni doesn’t know when she started caressing her: perhaps lost in her thoughts, as Shelby was sleeping and Toni’s hand was resting there, on top of the napkin, the other one on the keyboard. And because it was so close, and Shelby looked like she was so defenceless, sleeping like that, she just did, without thinking. The next few times Shelby opened her eyes to ask for a sip of water or to check if Toni was still there, she never commented on that.

And Toni adds another thing to the list of things she didn’t have an explanation for: why the hell looking after someone was meant to be a draining and annoying experience, but with Shelby, Toni feeels like that’s the occasion to let some of Toni’s undisclosed affection flow out of the secret chambers of her heart. She can do it now, because it serves a purpose, that is looking after Shelby. Keeping it all inside was starting to weigh on Toni’s shoulders, and now she can just let go of some of the feelings she’s been nurturing for the past two months.

Toni leaves Shelby’s room to make some soup with Martha to bring her, which Shelby has a hard time eating.

The eye contact is something Toni shouldn’t think too much about, but Shelby’s eyes are a bit glossy for the fever, and Toni feels even more in awe than usual, if that is even possible.

« It’s late. You should go. » Shelby says, later that night.

« I’m not gonna take advantage of you Shelby, don’t worry. »

« Not what I’m worried about. » Shelby laughs in a weak way, before adding: « You made it pretty clear by now. » 

« Made what clear? » Toni doesn’t know how to say it without saying it, because yeah, now she’s just playing coy. So she addresses the elephant in the room, for once, even if she finds it ridiculous that she even has to specify it. « I don’t find you repulsing, like, have you seen you? And Friday I left because our friendship has a meaning for me. » 

Toni gets that Shelby understood she’s referring to her messages, when Shelby replies: « I was drunk, when I wrote that. It’s whatever. » 

Toni knows it really isn’t, by the way Shelby is suddenly avoiding eye contact, but she knows better than anyone else when to leave things unspoken, when necessary.

When Shelby falls asleep once again, Toni uses that break to go back to her room to take her toothbrush and pajamas.

She lays on top of the covers, because that’s the respectful thing to do, and Toni doesn’t wake up once that night, despite meaning to, to check on Shelby. She doesn’t know if it’s the actual proximity, or just knowing that she’s by Shelby’s side, but Toni wishes she wasn’t anywhere else.

**day two**

Shelby opposed quite fiercely Toni’s offer to skip her classes, so now Toni is checking her phone in class every two minutes, to see if Shelby needs anything. Martha knows Shelby’s sick, because of the soup preparation, and Toni warns Dot too, just in case, since their rooms are close enough. And Dot warns the group, so that now everyone is stepping by Shelby’s room in the least safe way possible, ready to spread whatever Shelby caught to the whole campus.

Later that day, while Shelby is resting, Toni gets started on the visual part of the presentation. Hers and Shelby’s phone are connected to the laptop, every video and photo of the experience transferred to it.

« Why is there a photo of the three of you? » Shelby’s hoarse and pained voice asks, which makes Toni jump on the spot, because, fuck, what about a warning the next time. Toni glances at the laptop screen, where the photo being shown is the one she took with Tommy and Ellie, the day Toni stole Tommy.

« Uh, just, extra credits? »

Shelby doesn’t even answer, Toni guesses she’s too tired for that, and Toni just drives her attention back to the presentation, as she just lost ten years of her life. There’s no need for Shelby to know she’s been a thief for a day, on top of everything.

Toni might get used to falling asleep next to Shelby, even if it’s on top of the covers.

« How the hell did you catch a cold while you’re still sleeping with a duvet? »

« You know that’s not how it actually works, right? I mean, I’m not a doctor, but. It’s about viruses and bacteria, not actual coldness. » Toni smiles a little at the reference, if it’s a reference at all, at that first coffee they had together.

Shelby mutters, twisting and turning against Toni’s figure, in a way that is twisting and turning Toni’s guts too: « You can get under the sheets, you know. Is it a no-homo thing or just a no Shelby one? »

Toni laughs a bit, because yes-homo is Toni’s lifestyle, before answering, on a more serious note: « Neither. » 

**day three**

Shelby looks a bit better today. Her temperature is down to thirty-eight degrees, and she’s sleeping much less, speaking a bit more, sitting up instead of laying down all the time. Toni feels more relieved than she should, because it’s just a fever, but still.

That night, Toni shows her the draft of the presentation: the order she put the photos and videos in, the cuts, the general layout. They’re both sitting on Shelby’s bed, backs leaning on the headboard.

There are photos from that very first Saturday at the park with Tommy, the moment where Toni’s judgment of Shelby went from “uptight bitch” to “funny and smart uptight bitch I could see myself spending time with”. (Toni still doesn't know the moment her judgment went from that to “funny and smart uptight bitch I could see myself spending the rest of my time with”).

There are photos of Ellie and the mess she did in both of their rooms. There are photos of Charlie and their broken knee. Photos of Shali J, recording of Willow saying “stupid”. Videos of Talia being the only pacific child in that hell of makeshift kindergarten.

Honestly, Toni didn’t expect it to feel that emotional. It wasn’t half as loaded when she was putting it together, but perhaps it’s the atmosphere, the fact that she’s looking at it with Shelby and, fuck, is Shelby crying?

Toni places a tentative hand on her shoulder, after which Shelby only seems to be crying harder, as she turns around and grabs Toni’s sweatshirt. Toni just holds her, arms wrapping her in a tight hug, because there’s no way that’s just nostalgia. Toni’s heart feels like breaking with every sob, and with every sob, she holds her a bit tighter, hands rubbing in what Toni hopes are calming circles on her back.

Toni wonders if being sick has anything to do with it, perhaps Shelby is just tired of staying in bed, or she’s homesick, and is unloading all of that at that moment.

Once her sobbing gets quieter, Shelby rests her head on Toni’s crook of neck and sighs.

« If Ms. Klein has that reaction too, we’ve nailed it. » Toni goes for a joke, to which Shelby huffs a laugh.

Shelby puts some space between them, and when Toni takes in Shelby’s wet cheeks, her wrinkled eyebrows, her red and puffy eyes and her pout, Toni feels the urge to take her back in another hug. It shakes Toni deeply to the core, and she feels angry, for some reason: angry at herself for not knowing what to do, angry at whatever caused that.

Shelby passes a sleeve on her eyes, as she chuckles to herself. « I’m sorry, I’m just tired. »

Toni offers a quiet: « It’s okay. If, if that’s not the reason. » 

Shelby looks at her. She looks at her like she hasn’t for the past few days, and Toni fucking missed it, even if it’s been a short span of time. With those big green eyes, that right now look like they might extinguish whatever they lay their gaze upon. And, well, Toni is very ready, because what a way to go.

« It’s just. Sometimes I wonder if I made a huge mistake. I thought it would ruin my life, but why am I even majoring in education then? »

Toni has no idea what she’s talking about, but she just lets her, as she senses it’s something important.

« And I know there’s no way my parents- not after Becca, but maybe I could have done both? I shouldn’t have taken this course, it was meant to prove that I couldn’t, but fuck, I _ did it _ , and now what? »

Toni’s heart shatters the moment Shelby starts crying again, and that time, she doesn’t hesitate to hug her once more.

Once Shelby has calmed down, Toni puts the presentation away, and starts a movie instead.

That night she does get under the covers. And if the morning after she wakes up cuddling Shelby, one arm under her, the other one on her stomach, she tells herself that it’s just because she’s seen her crying.

And perhaps that excuse is no excuse at all. Toni swears to herself to do what she can to prevent it from happening again, even if Toni really shouldn’t, because those kinds of promises never stand.

**day six**

Shelby has fully healed by that Saturday afternoon.

Toni knows she hasn’t taken advantage of that, because the sleep-together thing was only meant to comfort her a bit from whatever revelation Shelby had throughout the presentation. Still, Toni feels as if a string was forcing her mind to go back to that sensation of Shelby’s body pressed against her, the heat of her body amplified by the fever, her emotional state pushing Shelby to seek Toni’s cuddles.

Toni has a hard time distracting herself that morning, as Martha offered to watch over a thirty-seven degrees Shelby, while Toni took a shower.

But that afternoon Shelby looks fully healed, the paracetamol having done its deed, as they take a walk in the park to let Shelby breathe in some fresh air.

« Thank you, Toni. »

« It’s just a walk. Besides, it’s not like I have anything better to do. »

« No, I mean, thank you for taking care of me. You didn’t have to. »

Toni just shakes her head a bit, because that was really nothing. She only replayed what she saw Martha’s mom do, and that was it.

« It was nothing. »

« It was something for me. »

Toni laughs at that, « Sounds like some romcom finale. »

Shelby shrugs, and offers her one of her disarming smiles. « Maybe life should be a bit more like romcoms. »

Toni quickly dismisses the echo of the line from that tv show she used to watch, and hell, doesn’t it sound fitting right now.

« Yeah, no, hard pass. I hate those things. »

« Name one you’ve seen. »

« Her by Spike Jonze? »

« I can’t take any more robot-talking. Besides, that’s not a romcom. »

« What romcoms should life be a bit more like? »

« Uh, Notting Hill? »

« Never heard of it. »

« ...You’re joking right. “I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her”? »

« Doesn’t ring any bells. »

« Oh my God, you’re busy tonight then. Also, 50 First Dates? Mamma mia? »

« I saw that one with Marty. I bet you’re one of those people who don’t even listen to Abba, just the movie’s covers of the songs. »

« Jokes on you, I don’t even listen to those. »

Perhaps it’s Shelby’s wink and tongue out, perhaps it’s the fact that she’s wearing a scarf while it’s twenty degrees outside, perhaps it’s the light bantering, having plans to watch a movie together, last week’s hug or having cuddled together all night.

Perhaps it’s all the above, or something Toni can’t explain like inflation or snowflakes — but she slowly feels as if that like-like is morphing into something new. Something she’s never felt before. Something a bit fucking dangerous, in her humble impartial opinion.

« Toni? »

« Mh? »

« Thank you. »

« You thanked me already, Shelbs. »

« No, I mean it. I’m sorry if I was a bit- I just needed to wrap my head around it. After Friday. »

Toni feels like whatever Shelby is talking about is flying above her head, and she can’t quite grasp it.

« Should we talk about Friday? »

Toni would rather ask Shelby about what her breakdown was about instead, who Becca is and what Shelby thought would ruin her life, but Friday seems an easier topic.

Walking makes words flow easier, that’s why Shelby doesn’t wait to start:

« I think I just felt a bit overwhelmed, for the gift and the hug, and it’s only been two months, but I’ve told you already, I’ve never had many friends. And, I don’t know, seeing you walk away like that, it just alarmed me a bit. »

That is what Toni was hoping for, or should have been hoping for, so why the fuck is Toni feeling that- that _disappointed_?

« I walked away because Fatin kept pushing, and I felt uncomfortable. We’re not fucking circus animals, you said that yourself. » 

For whatever reason, Shelby looks relieved. She smiles a little brighter at Toni, just like she used to before Friday, and she looks a bit less resigned, a bit less sad, a bit less distant. Toni has no idea what she did to make that change, and she knows even less what explanation Shelby gave to Toni’s storming out.

But Toni is glad, so very glad, that things seem to be going back to normalcy.

**day seven**

Waiting for Shelby outside of the chapel is now one of the many traits of the routine Toni and Shelby fell into, during the past two months. It feels a bit lonely this time, as there’s no fake child to glance at from time to time. That leaves Toni with even more thinking to do.

First of all, Toni knows things started to shift with the projector and the hug. A bit with the pinkie holding too, but there were enough obstacles to dampen its meaning. Toni also knows that she doesn’t know Shelby that well: she’s only seen her in one kind of environment, and if her sick rant was any clue, there was something tormenting her about her past. Toni isn’t by any means equipped to deal with that, not when she’s having trouble dealing with her own past trauma too.

_ But _ . Toni’s heart isn’t half as reasonable as Toni’s mind, and apparently, Toni’s mind is being polluted by thoughts about Shelby way too often lately. It’s getting out of hand. And the thing is, if those thoughts were only sex-related, Toni could work with that. But they’re not: not when they’ve hugged as if Toni’s happiness depended on Shelby, and how fucking scary would that be, and not when Toni has held Shelby while crying.

Toni knows there’s not much time left for her, as her like-like situation is morphing into serious feelings. So Toni has to get her shit together and get herself out of the romantic marketplace, because that’s no place for “someone like her”. She needs to find balance in her friendship with Shelby, and because the only other relationship Toni can compare is Regan’s, she knows there’s only one way to loosen the grip Shelby currently has on her heart.

That, plus the fact that she has plenty of time in her hands, waiting for Shelby to finish her service, she downloads Tinder.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Time to get old high school playboy Toni on track.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, there's a hint of shelby's backstory here. the initial draft for this chapter was from shelby's pov but it got way too dark and this is meant to be a light and comic fic (bitch where??) so, here's the final product


	9. week nine to eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: i do not know how tinder works.

**day one, week nine**

They’re walking in pairs behind Ms. Klein, that Monday morning.

Half of the class didn’t show up, and Toni expected Leah to be amongst them, if her constant concern was any indication. Still, there she is, walking behind her and Shelby, pinkie linked with Rachel’s.

That was weird.

Looking in front of her, Toni notices Fatin grabbing Dot’s ass, and Dot’s playful scowl.

Alright, what the fuck.

« Aren’t they cute? » Shelby whispers in her ear, making Toni jump a little.

« Is it love birds season? What the fuck is happening. »

« What do you mean? They’ve been together for Lord knows how long. »

« How do you know? »

« You really haven’t seen enough rom coms. »

« _Please_ , spare me. »

« Is it love birds season? » Dot fires back, turning around, eloquently looking between the two of them.

« Shut up. » They were literally just talking, will they ever let them be? And of course Shelby never bothers to correct any of them, leaving Toni all the dirty work.

By the time they stop, they’re in front of a colorful building with a “M.U. kindergarten” sign on top of it, and well, if that ain’t cryptic. Shelby, on the other hand, looks just excited at the prospect of being near actual children.

Once in the lobby each of them gets a little tag with their names on it, and Toni stares in horror at the “Antoniette” she receives. At least, glancing at Dot’s “Dorothy”, she knows she isn’t the only one suffering.

Shelby is peeking at it with her chin on Toni’s shoulder, and fuck, first of all, when did she get so tall all at once, and second, personal space, thanks.

« No way, your name is Antoniette?! »

« Did you think Toni was an actual name? »

Ms. Klein calls for attention as she explains what they’re here for. She tells them they’ll have to take note of the difference they’ll find between robot babies and actual babies, if having dealt with robots helps them with children, and that will be what the second part of their presentation will have to deal with.

« We’ll get to see you in action, _Teacher_. » Toni whispers in Shelby’s ear as they walk towards one of the many little rooms.

« How come you never talk to me like that when we’re alone? »

Toni laughs at Shelby’s antics, and tries to ignore the familiar feeling setting low in her abdomen.

Each of the pairs gets assigned to one of the little classes with a professional teacher. Theirs has “Raife” written on his name tag. Toni makes a mental note to look up what that means.

The moment he introduces himself, Toni can’t stand him. He’s good and he’s kind, perfect with children, all smiles and uplifting quotes. It feels a bit like the perfect Ken first-semester Shelby would have absolutely dated. Or, the image of Shelby Toni’s mind crafted back then.

Toni stresses the “first-semester” and “crafted image” in her head, because, is Shelby _flirting back_ , what the fuck.

Raife introduces them to the ten five-year-olds in his class, and they all seem to fall in love with Shelby’s bubbly personality — that Shelby can apparently turn off and on at will — instantly.

« Are you a boy or a girl? »

« What? »

A little guy is standing in front of Toni, who’s sitting on one of those obnoxious plastic colorful cubes, just looking at children, making sure they won’t accidentally break their neck. There’s no way Toni is going to entertain them like Shelby is doing, telling absurd fairy tales and letting them build tiny little houses made of pillows.

It is kind of cute, and if Shelby isn’t going to be the best teacher and best mother Toni has ever seen, then Toni has zero certainties in her life.

« I asked if you’re a boy or a girl! » The little guy repeats impatiently, as other two of them stop by, their attention caught by the interaction.

« What do you think? »

« You have a deep deep voice! »

« I smoke. »

« You know, my dad smokes too, but my mom says it’s bad and he shouldn’t. » One of the other two children says. Toni starts identifying them with: black hair, as the first little guy, blonde hair, as the second one who just spoke, and girl, not in a sexist way, she just has black hair as well.

« Well, what do _you_ think? »

The blonde one seems to be thinking really hard, as if no one ever asked him what he thought, but perhaps that’s just Toni projecting.

« It’s bad! » The girl deliberates, very sure of herself.

« Yeah? Why. »

Toni loves putting these little kids in crisis, she might just take that as a new hobby.

« So, are you a boy or a girl?! » The black-haired one with even less patience asks, tired of the questions, stomping one foot on the floor.

« First of all, you need to calm down, little one. I have my name right here, can’t you read? »

« Not yet. What’s your name? »

Toni jumps at the occasion, because there’s no way she’s letting little children call her by her full name. « Toni. »

« So you’re a boy! »

Toni pinches the bridge of her nose, before clarifying: « I’m a girl. » 

The black-haired one seems not to buy it, until the blonde one adds: « She’s right, she has long hair! »

And with that, the first one seems convinced. Toni doesn’t know if she should address how stupid that was, but the fact that the three of them are sitting down right in front of her to play with their stupid little toy cars is enough to let her words die in her throat.

« Why aren’t you playing with us like teacher Shelby? » The blonde one asks.

Toni raises a brow at “teacher Shelby”, because are they even supposed to be called that? Also, she might have been fine with letting them play next to her, but now they apparently want to make conversation too.

« What are your names? » Toni redirects the conversation.

« Mine is Maurice, but my friends call me Maury. » The black-haired one says.

« Do you want me to call you Maurice? »

« Maury is fine, teacher Toni. »

« I’m not a teacher. »

« You’re certainly not a kid! » The blonde one interjects, to which Toni honestly laughs. She’s sure this little one’s parents’ humor is something else.

« And what’s your name? »

« Bailey. »

« Like the liquor? »

« What’s a liquor? » 

« I think she means liquorice. » The girl explains.

Toni really doesn’t, but she asks what her name is instead, and she answers with: « Holly. »

« That’s the name of a tree, did you know that? »

« And what does my name mean? » Maury asks, and Toni tries to look it up on mommysuniverse.com as discreetly as she can.

« Dark-skinned. »

« But- but I’m not! » 

« What are you gonna do about it, cry? » Toni meant it as a joke, but fuck, the little one really seems upset.

« Mine is the best. I _love_ liquorice candies. » Bailey says, moving the attention to himself. That’s perhaps even worse, because Maurice looks like he’s this close to actually break down crying.

So Toni, just because she really doesn’t want Raife to come and solve the situation like she’s sure he’d do, kneels in front of Maurice, mustering the little she knows about dealing with children, from when she had foster siblings.

« You know, your name is pretty cool. It can be metaphorical. Even if you don’t have actual dark skin, it can mean everything you want it to. The skin is what keeps your body together, what protects you from bacteria, what lets you touch the world. It’s a dope name Maury. »

« But, but it’s dark! »

« Indeed. What colour is your parents’ car? »

« It’s black. » Toni didn’t think that one through, but thank god the coincidence helps her out.

« Do you know why? »

The little guy shakes his head, and Toni explains: « It’s because it doesn’t get dirty. It looks cool and elegant, and those who park near your car know better than to leave scratches. »

Toni isn’t sure Maury absorbed half of what she told him, but she’s fine with seeing how he seems calmer now, reassured and ready to resume playing.

And yeah, that’s the reason Toni just spent the past half-hour trying to avoid those infernal creatures. It makes her feel so mushy after, it’s honestly ridiculous.

The look Shelby gives her across the room makes it even worse.

On their way back to campus, the two of them fall on the end of the line.

« So… how did your first day go? » Shelby asks her, playfully shouldering her.

« It was chill, what about yours, _teacher Shelby_? »

Shelby blushes a bit at that, and fuck, doesn’t Toni loves that.

« I mean, Raife introduced me like that, so. » Shelby clears her throat, before adding: « I saw you got a little audience. »

« Who, those little pests? I don’t know who’s the stupider. »

« Whatever you say, Toni. »

Toni doesn’t answer, to Shelby’s sweet sweet eyes.

**day three**

Without having to take care of a fake child, Toni’s interactions with Shelby suddenly drop. She knows that weird tension Friday brought, not totally resolved yet, is still keeping them on their toes. That’s perhaps the reason why it takes them a collective hang out upon Dot’s suggestion to see each other.

They end up at the park, and Toni is bringing the basketball ball she stole right after being kicked out of the team, back in high school, because Rachel told her she knows how to play. “I thought you swam” Toni told her, to which Rachel just replied that she was generally a sportsperson.

Toni should have gotten used to seeing Shelby by now, but the distance just brought a new layer of excitement for Toni, as they no longer have obligations towards one another, and the time they spend together is only a sign of the time they _want_ to spend together.

That’s perhaps why, once they’re on the little concrete basketball court in the park, and Toni’s stolen ball is being used by Rachel to show Leah how to shoot, Toni walks to where Shelby is standing, back pressed against the metal fence.

They smile a little at each other, and Toni rolls her eyes at how Fatin and Dot casually walk away, as if to give them some privacy.

« What wing women. » Shelby comments, following Toni sitting on the fence with her gaze.

« So, what’s with the ball? Did you use to play basketball? »

Toni nods, « I was the captain of my team, actually. Aiming at taking an athlete scholarship for college, playing in the big league and all. »

Shelby looks impressed, and Toni doesn’t know if it’s a mocking kind of look, « So you were _that_ good. What happened? »

Toni huffs a laugh, hoping Shelby will take it with humor. « Threw my piss at the opposite team. »

« You _what_? » Shelby is chuckling in disbelief, and honestly, Toni will take that. It’s not half as bad as she thought it’d be.

« Yeah, uhm. Guess now you know why I took sports management. » 

Shelby nods, and looks at the field before her, their new friends playing in the worst way possible, having the time of their life.

« You’ll have to show me how to play then, _captain_. »

« Right now? »

« We’d catch even more attention. What about tomorrow? »

« It’s a date then. » Toni means it as a joke, but she doesn’t miss the way Shelby bites her lip, as if believing that.

**day four**

It’s not a date, but fuck, Shelby has forced Toni to watch too many romcoms for Toni not to pick on the signs. The sun setting, because of course their spare time had to fall under the most romantic hour of the day. The way Shelby chose pretty over practical clothes, even if they both knew they were going to play basketball.

So it’s not surprising how Toni feels her stomach flutter, as if that was the first time she saw Shelby. As if she was just a girl, standing in front of another girl, asking her to love her. And yeah, Toni guesses Notting Hill isn’t that bad.

But it’s what Shelby’s beauty carries what always catches Toni off-guard. Because she has eyes, sure, but aesthetic is just that, without substance. And it’s the way Shelby waves at her, that makes her chest warmer. It’s the way she playfully steals the ball from her hands, that makes her stomach drop. It’s the way Shelby tries to dribble without making it look as if that was her very first time trying, that has Toni thinking she hasn’t seen anything cuter in her life.

And it’s the way she looks at her, when Toni gets closer to actually teach her, that knocks Toni’s breath off her lungs. Eager to learn, open expression, attention on Toni. Toni really doesn’t want to waste any of it, if there’s a way to.

« I guess you’re the teacher for today. » Shelby tells her, as Toni stands beside her, showing her how to hold the ball right before shooting.

That afternoon, Toni finds out that Shelby isn’t a fast learner by any means, when it comes to sports. She also finds out that Toni doesn’t really mind, because it makes Shelby laugh like she’s never heard her before.

**day one, week ten**

« I swear I hate those children. »

Shelby is currently sewing Toni’s sleeve, because earlier Holly climbed up a stash of toys and threw herself, and Toni cut the sleeve of her favourite sweatshirt in an attempt at saving her life.

And fuck, perhaps she should have just let her fall, if that was her wish. Toni has never been one for therapeutic obstinacy.

But Shelby is sewing Toni’s sleeve while she’s still wearing that, in Toni’s room, later that afternoon, and Toni really doesn’t mind the proximity.

« You say that, and you ruin your favourite shirt for them. »

« It wasn’t intentional. »

« I’m sure you just don’t casually throw yourself on the floor like that. » Shelby looks amused, one raised brow and open smile on her lips, wetting the end of a thread on her tongue to make it pass through the stitch.

Toni is enchanted for a moment, before she shakes her head. « Whatever. » 

**day four, week eleven**

They found a sort of balance, now that they don’t have reasons to spend time together. On Mondays they see each other at the kindergarten, Wednesdays become movie nights, on Fridays they hang out with the group, on Sundays Toni accompanies Shelby to service.

Toni is chilling on her bed, that Thursday night, one of the three days she doesn’t get to spend with Shelby. And of course she’s thinking about her then too.

She opens the app she downloaded earlier last week. She meant to bring old high school playboy Toni back, but every time she opens it, she only finds herself swiping left. It’s the exact opposite of what she’s supposed to do, but she always finds herself comparing the pictures and the stupid biographies underneath to Shelby. So no, she won’t swipe Jaliyah with a passion for fishing right, because, first of all, what name is that. It sounds like something Dot would name her kid. Jaliyah Terminator Three Thousands. It sounds terrifying and hilarious.  
(Toni swipes right just to mock her later, in case she’ll be swiped too).

Next up is Hanna, who’s obsessed over people’s nails, and that reminds Toni of that weird anime she watched about gambling. Toni doesn’t like animes just as much as she doesn’t like movies, but that’s a whole topic she won’t dive with Hanna, sorry, left.

Natalie is very pretty, with baby blue eyes and all. Toni doesn’t really care about surfing, and who doesn’t love dogs. But Natalie lives an hour of driving away and no, if Toni is looking for a hookup, she just has to attend a much closer party.

But what is Toni looking for, then? Surely she won’t build a family with Natalie and leave by the beach with a wet dog ruining all the furniture, gross.

Perhaps Toni is just looking for proof that there are other people just as kind and forgiving and wise and funny as Shelby is, and use it as momentum to provide their friendship stability. That’s it, that the sciency and psychological way to put it. Not a relationship, because Toni doesn’t do those, and neither a hookup, because her teenage years are over and she no longer has _urges_ — but proof. Something she can show her brain to tell it to stop having those kinds of thoughts about Shelby. Those happily married couples with a white picket fence in the fifties.

In the worst-case scenario, Toni will ruin that other girl for a bit. What matters to Toni right now, is not to ruin Shelby’s. And yeah, that might sound a bit egotistical and immoral, but Toni has never been known for her strong moral principles. More like, gut instinct.

She swipes Miranda left just because she has her same hair colour, and that’s lesbian 101, and she swipes Emily left because she’s as skinny as Toni, and she’s not feeling like skeleton-fighting for the moment.

Until-

Well.

What a fucking coincidence.

Why the hell is Shelby on this app?

Toni is tempted to swipe right, just to know if Shelby would swipe too, and how does it even work, because Toni has only rejected people so far. Does the other person get notified? Toni hasn’t had any notification yet, except its adds to pass premium. What the hell is Tinder premium anyways, do they do legal marriages via skype? It’s safer to take a screenshot and send it to Shelby, but that would mean that Toni has Tinder too, and perhaps Shelby made it a long ago as a dare and never deleted it.

Toni locks her phone, rolls on her stomach, and breathes in her pillow.

Fuck it.

She swipes right.

**day five**

Toni still doesn’t know if the other person gets notified, or if Shelby just happened to use the app in the past few hours, because Toni wakes up with a match with Shelby and her text: “ _What are you doing here???_ ”

It’s a bit silly to text each other there and not in the normal messages, but Toni tries to keep the game going.

“hello, ‘shelby, 21, i don’t really have any hobbies, but im a fast learner ;)’ ”  
“im toni”

Toni doesn’t point out that Shelby is _not_ a fast learner, not for what she’s witnessed, because they’re supposed to have never met before.

_“Hello ‘Toni, 21, basketball emoji, wet droplets emoji, just looking for a good time’ ”_ _  
_ _“Did you come up with that?”_

“lady antebellum? you really need to start listening to music. didnt you sing for pageants??”

_“Not songs heathens like you listen to ;)”_

“all my friends are heathens take it slow”

_“Martha listens to your music too?”_

Toni rolls her eyes, and suddenly, she has an urge to listen to twenty one pilots on her way to class.

Later that day, as Shelby stops by to walk with Toni to Fatin’s room, where the group is staying for the night as per usual, it feels like sharing a secret in elementary school.

« So. Who thought Toni Shalifoe needed Tinder. »

« It’s not like you’re not as guilty. »

« Yeah, but, _why_ do you have it? »

Toni frowns, « Why do you? »

They both look at each other, containing their laughs, because, what a situation.

« We’re working with very different looks here. »

« I swear to god Shelby, if you’re fishing for compliments- »

« Not what I meant. I know you think I’m pretty. » Shelby winks at her, and yes, it’s a playful one, if serious winks even exist, but-

« I never said that. »

« It was when I was sick, and you were trying to explain why you’d been ghosting me for the past few days, as you randomly do. Honestly, I’m surprised you haven’t disappeared in three weeks. »

Toni feels guilty, because Shelby chose the worst way to put it. She doesn’t randomly disappear, but that’s beside the point. Toni immediately understands what Shelby is referring to, that _“I don’t find you repulsing, like, have you seen you?”_ that slipped past her before Toni could really filter it. So naive of her to think that just because Shelby didn’t comment on it right then, she missed it.

Thankfully, Shelby explains the reason she has Tinder before Toni can dig her hole deeper and try to take back what she truly thinks of Shelby’s appearance without accidentally insulting her in the process: « It’s just, I’ve been told I give straight vibes. »

It was true, as Toni’s gaydar completely let her down on Shelby’s front.

Toni swings a bit on her feet, as they stand in front of Fatin’s door, neither of them making a move to knock.

« So… » Shelby starts, which has Toni smiling.

« So. Did you, uhm- » It’s really none of Toni’s business, but she appeals to the fact that they’re friends and friends tell each other stuff, don’t they? « Did you, I mean, did it work for you? »

« Tinder? » Shelby has a raised brow, lips parted in an unsure smile, and really, that drives Toni crazy just as much as it makes her feel stupid.

« Uh yeah. »

« A couple of times. But, yeah, it’s been a while now. »

Toni nods, and doesn’t know how to feel about it, because why has it been a while? Has Shelby lost interest in that, is she looking for something else, has it just been dry out there?

Toni lifts her hand to knock on the door, as the conversation seems over, until Shelby leans a bit forwards on her feet, as if trying to stop Toni physically, hands a bit extended towards her.

« Did- did it work for you? »

There’s no reason for Toni to lie. There isn’t any reason for Shelby’s look of urgency either, but here they are.

« Uh, yeah. Good thing they invented that, for us lazy people. My flirting game is rusty. »

It’s such a big fat lie, delivered in the worst way possible, and Shelby told her a million times she’s a bad liar. But this one time, this one time she just looks a bit confused. As if studying her. As if not buying it, but considering it, or perhaps considering why Toni would be lying about it.

It makes Toni feel naked and wanted, for whatever stupid reason her brain just made up, and she releases a breath when Shelby finally knocks.

« You could work on it, yeah. »

What- what does that _mean_?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a sort of transitory one, getting ready for the next one which is my favourite so far


	10. week twelve to fifteen

**day two, week twelve**

« So… you and Shelby? »

Toni is having dinner with Martha, and the topic of conversation of the past half-hour has been how Martha and Marcus made this little schedule of cute little things to do together throughout the week. They’ve been dating for a couple of weeks now, after Marcus asked for Toni’s blessing — and fuck, Toni loved that, as if she had any power in the situation — and she conceded that. As if it was the fifties or the nineteenth century, Toni has never been very strong in history, and Toni was Martha’s dad or some shit.

Toni’s attitude and historical heteronormativity don’t really reconcile, so why the fuck does her brain keep conceiving those abominations.

« What about it. »

Toni knows what’s coming. It’s as if Fatin’s bullshit was slowly infecting every single one of her newfound friends, and now Martha too.

Martha carefully looks at her, as if trying to mind-read Toni. That only frustrates her. «  _ What _ ? »

« It’s been forever now. When are you gonna tell her? »

« Tell her  _ what  _ Marty? »

Martha rolls her eyes, « I don’t understand if you’re stupid or you’re just playing coy. Tell her you like her! »

« Oh my god. » Toni can’t help but mutter to herself, or to an imaginary camera, because, « We’re not in fifth grade Martha. Do you expect me to send her a letter with ‘do you like me? circle  _ yes _ or  _ ask me later _ ’? »

« I expect you to talk to her like normal people our age do? »

Toni opens her mouth, but Martha apparently does mind-reading now, « And don’t play the foster care card on me. You’re emotionally mature just like everyone else when you want to be. »

Toni sigh sighs, before taking the straw between her teeth, « Can we talk about anything else? »

« I take that as an admission of your interests in her. »

« Never said anything. »

« Actions speak louder than words. »

« NF? »

« I think it was Abraham Lincoln. »

Sure, Toni was the one who asked to talk about anything else, but as Martha goes into another rant on how Marcus is planning an easter egg hunting party just like Martha and her mum used to — and sure, that’s pretty cute, Toni will give him that — the words escape Toni’s mouth before she can stop them.

Because she’s been thinking about it non-stop. Shelby, Shelby,  _ Shelby _ : with her compassion, the only person who doesn’t seem to be afraid of Toni’s anger, even after having tasted its aftermath, the only person who doesn’t seek Toni’s company in small doses. Toni loves Martha, Bernice, her newfound friends, but hell, even Regan could only take so much of her.

So Toni just spills it out, Martha as a passive spectator to Toni’s chagrined conscience. « What if she doesn’t like me? »

It sounds just like that “I thought you’d be mad at me” Toni said in that pathetic, ‘traumatized kid who never fully grew up’ kind of voice.

_ Fuck. _

« Oh, Toni. »

Toni lets Martha hold her for a bit. Because even if her heart apparently belongs to Shelby — what a fucking dramatic way to put it, they’ve known each other for a little longer than three months now — Martha will always be her person. Even if this whole Shelby thing goes in the worst way possible, Toni knows Martha will be here for her, just like she has been after Regan.

And just like after Regan, Toni feels like it’s impossible to breathe, like, fully breathe, and she’ll be doomed to gasp for air at every step. Until she’ll get numb, and meet someone like Shelby who will make Regan look pale in comparison. If that’s a never-ending cycle, Toni isn’t sure if it’s worth it.

Because, even if Shelby hasn’t rejected her yet, it feels already like the worst thing Toni has experienced in a while.   
Vexation. A monster looking at her from the end of the corridor, slowly crawling towards her. Making fun of her, as she struggles to run away, just to eat her anyways.

The fifties metaphors sound so appealing right now.

**day six, week fourteen**

Saturday is one of those days Toni is supposed to study. It’s half-past eight in the evening, and Toni has underlined ten pages all day.  _ Ten _ . Which had photos on them.

It’s been a week and a half, and Shelby has pointed out her shift in behaviour more than once now.   
Martha brought up something that Toni had been pushing down for a while now, and now that another person heard it, now it’s getting pretty real.

A knock on her door drags her back to earth, and she abandons the pencil on the book, as if she hadn’t been aimlessly staring at the page for the past half hour.

« Hi. » Is a little breathless smile Shelby gives her, a hand behind her back.

« Is it my pizza order? »

« I’d make a dirty joke if you weren’t such a prude. »

And with that, Shelby steps in. Without even asking, because now they’re that kind of friends. Friends who only need one glance in the room to know what’s going on.

Walking past Toni, with her fruity scent and confident walk, Toni notices the bottle Shelby brought along.

« You have a problem with alcohol, Shelbs. »

« We didn’t even start drinking! »

« Fuck, do you have sex on the beach in your veins instead of blood? »

« If you ask me, you could use both sex and beach, but you do you girl. »

Toni rolls her eyes, but a little smile betrays her, and with that, her book is being closed and she’s sitting on her bed next to Shelby.

« Why are you so concerned about drinking anyway? » Shelby carefully asks her, as she unties her shoes, having forgotten to leave them at the entrance.

Toni eyes the procedure, because she  _ hates  _ dirty shoes on freshly clean moquette.

Martha’s words still ring in her ears, Shelby’s very voice softly whispering in the back of her mind:  _ “There’s no reason to avoid things, in fear that one will lose them.” _

So, fuck it, Toni can as well tell Shelby the truth.

« Alcohol takes your inhibitions off. And if you’re having fun is chill, but if you’re keeping- if you’re keeping anger at bay, alcohol isn’t your friend. »

Toni is no longer that scared kid, or, she shouldn’t be by now, so she makes eye contact. A bit slowly for her liking, her eyes travelling from her own hands, to Shelby’s, all the way up her torso, and finally to her eyes. And Shelby is looking at her in that way that is letting Toni all the control. To change the subject, to make a joke, to explain further, to leave.

It sounds such a sweet alternative, to leave. One she’s taken perhaps one too many times.

But, again, fuck it, Toni can tell Shelby everything Shelby is willing to take. And, in the best — or the worst, Toni really can’t tell them apart now — case scenario, that will scare Shelby, and Shelby will be the one to leave Toni first. Leave her alone, give her peace, because desire is something Toni isn’t allowed to have, not when she hasn’t been able to afford things since she can remember.

« I mean, I never- I never sent anyone to the hospital, it’s never been that bad. And I never started fights out of the blue, only when they, when they provoked me. You never know how the other one is gonna react, that’s all I’m saying. »

Somehow, Toni managed to twist it into a sort of lecture, and she really dislikes how it came out. As if she was telling her fourteen years old to watch where she leaves her water bottle while in clubs.

« Alright. We don’t have to drink then. » Shelby just says, placing the bottle on the ground, moving to face Toni entirely, legs crossed.

Toni eyes her, as she looks as if she was ready for a yoga session. « Do you want to watch a movie? »

« Because you told me something about you, I thought I’d share something too. »

That’s enough to catch Toni’s whole attention — as if Shelby didn’t have it already, both when she was present and not — as she mirrors her position.

« I started drinking after... I lost someone, let’s say. For a brief period of time. It never got too much out of hand, but it brought me an accident, that- hell, it was no accident at all, but I thought it was. So I got rid of it. That’s where the whole drinking thing comes from. It’s not a problem, I’m not an alcoholic, but it feels nice to just not think about anything sometimes. »

That’s a lot to unpack. Toni is trying to connect the new pieces of information to the little ones that slipped past Shelby that one time she was sick, and if she understood correctly,

« You had an abortion? »

It’s strange, how Shelby is always so direct and explicit, but for this one time, she’s looking down, gulping, nodding just a little.

Toni doesn’t know why it feels like this much of a deal, because it’s just cells, isn’t it? She knows there’s no use pointing that out, because clearly Shelby saw the embryo as a child. And since Shelby is religious, Toni guesses she probably thinks they had a soul, and now are in heaven or something.

It feels weirdly sacred, like nothing has ever felt for Toni, like stepping on holy land, one that requires her to take her sandals off and be as quiet as possible, as Someone else is speaking, as Someone else is showing her.

That Someone is Shelby right now, Shelby who lost two people, and apparently never had anyone to help her deal with it, so she did the best she could, with what she had, and numbed herself with drinking.

So Toni moves her hands from her pockets to Shelby’s lap, to take Shelby’s own in hers, and she’s not sure what she’s doing with them, but it’s contact, and Shelby is a bit like Martha under that light, so Toni knows it might bring her some comfort.

But Shelby is the strong one of the pair, Toni has known that for a few months now, and she’s smiling a little, of a sad and amused smile at once, of an absurd and understanding one, right before throwing her arms around Toni’s neck and hugging her. Toni’s go to hold Shelby’s back, and she tries her best to give some words as a side dish, because Toni is still trying the whole comforting thing, and she wants to be the best version of herself to comfort Shelby.

(She also knows Shelby is her safe space to experiment, because Shelby is the strong one of the pair, and she will tell Toni straight away if she’s messing things up.)

« I’m not a doctor- » She starts, knowing that their old little inner joke will make Shelby laugh a little, which it does, and Toni is very fucking glad.

« -and I’m not a theologist either, for obvious reasons. »

« You could be, if you wanted. » Shelby replies, her words half against Toni’s sweatshirt, half against Toni’s bare neck, and it really is a silly thing to think about, but Toni hopes Shelby won’t notice her goosebumps.

« A doctor or a theologist? »

« Both. »

That makes Toni laugh even more, and fuck, if this isn’t the happiest she’s felt in a while. Shelby between her arms, there because she wants to, Toni with an occasion to show her affection without any dangerous consequence, just the two of them, enjoying each other’s presence, as if it all made sense now. Toni can only speak for herself, and it truly does feel as if things make sense now: the pee accident, the minority scholarship, the missing credits, the parenting course, scoring right after Shelby, being paired up. Finding out that even if Toni won’t ever have children, or a wife, she might find balance, between this newfound family and Shelby’s  _ friendship _ .

« I was saying. I’m neither of those things, but. Wait, let me start again, I forgot where I was going with this. »

Shelby laughs some more, and Toni would mess up a million other times, even if she hates losing, just for that, and fuck, isn’t this getting a little too sappy.

« I’m sorry for your losses. I don’t understand the abortion thing, but I’m still sorry if that makes you feel bad. »

It’s the worst way to phrase it, as if Toni was in fifth grade and the teacher asked her to write a short letter for a funeral. Still, Shelby sighs, and seems to be relaxing a bit in Toni’s embrace.

They stay like that for a while, and Toni’s heart never decelerates, until Shelby asks, with a little voice:

« Can we lie down? Or is it too weird for you? »

« I mean, this is a special occasion. » Toni starts, as they break the hug, « I’m changing my major to theology apparently. »

Shelby just rolls her eyes, before laying down. Looking up at Toni. And if Toni’s heart hasn’t decelerated yet, Toni knows the pace it took can’t be healthy, and she probably should get checked. Is she going to ruin the mood with a heart attack?

Well, what a way to go, though. With Shelby’s deep emerald eyes looking up at her, troubled and sincere, as if needy for Toni to provide the comfort Shelby wants and stop fangirling over her like a fucking teenager. But, can she blame her? It feels way too much like the first time with Regan. When Regan lay down exactly like that, and Toni lied, wanting to impress her, as she told her she had experience, when she had none. Regan looked at her with that same patience and need Shelby is looking at her right now. And Toni would only like to tear her clothes apart. For dramatic effect, for release, and,  _ well _ -

This really isn’t the moment. Toni is no mind-reader, and Shelby’s expression could mean a million things. It’s just a coincidence, and they just talked about  _ that _ . But perhaps that’s Shelby’s other way to numb things, since alcohol is off the table.

Besides, Toni is already having tachycardia. Even if in a parallel universe Shelby was actually, well,  _ offering _ , Toni isn’t sure she could take it.

So Toni lies down, and Shelby looks at her for a moment too long, as if making sure of whatever choice Toni just made, and no, that really isn’t a confirmation, don’t go there. Then she rests her head on Toni’s upper chest, Toni’s hand to hold her behind her back, the other running through her fingers.

They fall asleep like that, and for once, skipping the night routine didn’t feel so awful.

**day seven, week fifteen**

The very day before the start of the session Shelby and Toni are in front of the campus’ chapel, like every other Sunday, except last week’s, because they slept in. Perhaps it was that they forgot to set an alarm, or because it was a bit too comfortable being in each other’s arms.

« Gonna pray for your exams? » Toni jokes.

« You bet. You can come in too, you know. »

Shelby has asked her millions of times already. But something shifted last week, and Toni knows Shelby has noticed how she’s been extra soft for the past few days, by Shelby’s sweet smiles.

So Toni nods. « I could use a hand. I haven’t studied shit. »

Shelby looks at her for a moment with a raised brow, before a big smile blossoms on her face. If that is all it takes, Toni should have attended church service from week one.

Toni has never ever set foot in a church before. She’s seen scenes from tv shows, and she doesn’t even know what she was expecting.

First of all, who knew religion was so popular at their university. It’s not packed, but it’s not as empty as she always pictured it’d be. And sure, she’s seen people get in and out while waiting for Shelby, but Toni’s mind apparently thought they’d disappeared once inside.

It  _ does  _ feel like disappearing. It’s quite small, but it’s tall enough, with this dome and colorful glasses Toni is pretty sure have a specific name she can’t quite recall, and the light filtering through them looks like it’s from a music video, and it feels so quiet but in such a loud way, it feels just a rhetorical device but Toni really doesn’t know why is that so. If it has weird acoustics because of the dome, or if there really is something spiritual about the place. It brings shivers down her arms, which only amplify when Shelby tugs her sleeve a bit.

« Don’t look around like you’re a child. » She whispers.

Toni can tell Shelby is like a whole different person. Hands conjunct, silently waiting for the priest to start talking, eyes closed, brows furrowed in concentration. Is she praying?

« And stop staring. »

« Geez, I’m never coming here with you again. »

Toni sees Shelby rolling her eyes despite them being closed, and she just chuckles.

« Ssh! »

Oh, fuck me, is the only response that comes to Toni’s mind. But because one isn’t supposed to swear in church, and because Toni would mean it unironically, she keeps her mouth shut.

She doesn’t really understand all the symbolism throughout the service, why some things are supposed to be said together and some others only the priest, why they have to stand up and sit down and even kneel at some point, why someone walks around collecting money, and don’t get her started on the content. The homily was alright, she guesses, but she really doesn’t have anything to compare it to. The gospel was about Jesus asking Peter — and who knew Peter wasn’t his real name? Toni is shocked — who does he think he is, and the priest says that it’s as if Jesus is asking all of them, and Toni has no idea what it means, because, doesn’t he know who he is? But Shelby looks so rapt, so focused, as if afraid to waste a single word, and well, Toni doesn’t know who Jesus is, but if Shelby thinks he’s so important, Toni doesn’t mind finding out.

« So, are you coming next week too? »

« I’m not sitting next to you though. »

Shelby smiles at her with one of those smiles that bring wrinkles on the side of her eyes, and sure, Toni is coming next week too. And maybe the one after that, and the one following.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the note thing is a reference/recommendation to Mallrat’s “If You Think It's Love”


	11. week nineteen to twenty two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was originally supposed to be 16 chapters, each chapter a week + epilogue, but  
> 1\. i couldn't think of 16 different kinds of robots (hence the kindergarten thing)  
> 2\. more time = its more realistic to develop feelings (if there's anything realistic about any of this)  
> 3\. change of environment = more dynamism = more fun to read, hopefully?  
> (yes, this is an apology)

**day five, week nineteen**

The exams go well enough. Toni has never been much of a bookworm, but she has the dedication, and she gets through her third year of college with an average of twenty-seven out of thirty. Not half bad.

Today is Shelby’s last exam for the session, as Toni had hers just yesterday, and they already made plans with the rest to celebrate next week, when Linh will have presented her thesis. She’s a year older and she managed to fail the parenting course last year. How, Toni still doesn’t know, and is quite frankly afraid to ask.

« How did it go? » Toni asks Shelby first thing, as soon as she sees her walking out of the building, face red for the effort, hair a bit disheveled, looking as if she ran a marathon. Who knew education was so intense.

Shelby makes a dramatic pause, before announcing: « Thirty! » and throwing her arms on Toni’s neck. And, yeah, Shelby is a contact person, she’s learned that by now.

Still in the hug, Toni points out: « Education is the easiest major, gpa wise, though. »

Shelby punches her lightly, half-breaking the hug, one hand still laying on Toni’s bicep, as they start walking somewhere. It’s a little thing, but this change of reaction from Shelby’s polite answer, almost five months ago, to this playful punch, tightens Toni’s heart. Shelby’s hand travels down until Toni’s forearm, her wrist, and now they’re holding pinkies apparently, and is that a parallelism too or does Toni just have a really good memory when it comes to Shelby?

« We need to celebrate. » Toni casually says, letting Shelby lead her wherever.

« We’re celebrating next week. Besides, you hate it when we drink. »

« I said we’d celebrate, not drink. There’s a difference. Let’s go. »

It’s been a long time since Toni last wore makeup. They were fourteen, and she lost a dare to Martha. That one time it only felt mildly annoying, but now? Five in the afternoon, in Shelby’s room, Shelby’s face so damn close, her eyes fixed on Toni’s lips as she applies whatever stupid transparent shit, and why is she putting it in the first place if it isn’t even colourful?

« Why are you so tense? » Shelby asks her with a playful huff, as she’s holding herself in place with one hand on Toni’s shoulder,  _ straddling  _ her. Toni knows that it really isn’t necessary, and she’s putting so much effort into looking Shelby in the eyes, not to let her discomfort transpire. Shelby even has the nerve to ask her why she’s tense.

« I hate it. »

« It’s pretty. »

« It’s uncomfortable. And once you wear it, then you think you have to. »

« Mh? »

Shelby seems to be only half-listening to her, caught up in her own work of art Toni is yet to see, so Toni, in need to distract herself, legitimately thinks she’s onto something:

« Makeup is meant to make you look pretty, right? »

« Mh-mh. »

It feels like talking to a cactus, but Toni is after some conspiracy theory, and if this is this gonna be her legacy, she can at least try and make it sound reasonable.

« So, when you’re not wearing it, you’re less pretty. »

Shelby doesn’t look too convinced, but she’s applying something on Toni’s eyes now, so Toni just shuts them and hears Shelby’s « Go on. »

« So, every time you wear makeup, you’re telling yourself that you aren’t pretty enough not to wear it. »

« Is that how you feel? »

« It’s a logical argument. »

« Are you feeling prettier now? »

« I haven’t seen myself yet. »

« Exactly. While you’re wearing makeup you don’t see yourself. That’s why your ‘logical argument’ doesn’t work. »

Toni huffs, eyes still closed and she feels Shelby’s thumb smoothing her frown, which forces her to smile a bit. She wonders if Shelby is smiling too.

« You’re not so dumb, even if you’re an education major. »

« I’m still waiting for your source on that, by the way. »

« Because you’re a sore loser? »

« Because that’s how quoting works. » Toni feels Shelby’s weight shifting on her, as if making herself a bit more comfortable, no intention on moving away whatsoever. Toni is starting to regret having opted for a sober celebration, as she really could use a drink right now.

« You can open your eyes now. »

When Toni does, she blinks once, twice, three times, and Shelby is still here, too close for doing her makeup, one hand still on Toni’s shoulder, the other one dropping the little brush on the bed.

Toni frowns a bit, hoping her expression will convey the confusion she’s feeling, because is Shelby supposed to do something else now? Is this a full-face makeup or something?

But Shelby wets her lips, bites her lower one, and leans in a bit. Very slowly, very torturing, and Toni’s head feels dizzy, just like it would have felt, if they had chosen the traditional way to celebrate.

Shelby’s other hand reaches up to cup Toni’s cheek, the one that was previously on her shoulder now on her neck, and fuck, is this really happening? Toni’s mind feels empty, empty and crowded at the same time, very ready to ask a million questions, both to herself and to Shelby, and perhaps Bernice too because it’s been a while now and- focus Toni, not the right time. But her mind is racing, and Shelby is standing still, as if letting Toni take control, but Toni really doesn’t even know if she’s reading things correctly — well, it is pretty obvious, but Toni doesn’t know how to think around Shelby — so it feels like a checkmate. Both of them standing there, close enough to breathe each other’s air, Shelby’s breath tastes like the minty gum she was chewing on their way there, and Toni hopes hers still tastes like that one chocolate she had with her coffee right after lunch, because she was feeling extra. Suddenly, Toni’s craving after eights.

« Toni. » Shelby breathes, halfway between a laugh and a pleading tone, and Toni’s guts twist in the most pleasing way possible.

« Yeah? » Toni’s voice is hoarse in her own ears, as if her throat just went dry all at once.

Shelby’s is just a thread of voice: « Why aren’t you doing anything? »

« ...Why aren’t you? »

« Do you want me to? »

« Do you want to? »

Shelby looks at her for the longest moment, in which Toni just feels paralyzed. Hoping Shelby will do it. Anything. Kiss her, or even hug her, whatever. But Shelby sighs, and dismounts off her, and Toni knows that’s the one thing that wasn’t included in the “anything”.

« I’m sorry, I didn’t read the signs. » Is Shelby’s line to put more space between them, for which Toni feels like breathing again, but it doesn’t bring the comfort Toni was hoping for — quite the opposite.

« What signs? »

« Fuck, Toni, are you stupid or just not interested? »

Shelby is standing up now, pacing a bit around her own room, one hand on her hip, the other one pressing against her forehead, as if a headache was building up.

Toni feels a bit of anger mount in her. If it’s towards Shelby or herself, she can’t really distinguish. « At least I’m not an education- »

« This really isn’t the moment. »

Toni thought every moment was right for a joke, but Shelby now stopped, standing in front of Toni,  _ right  _ in front of Toni, and if Shelby just took one more step towards her, she’d be between Toni’s legs. But Toni knows that isn’t gonna happen.

« You really are stupid. » 

Toni flexes her jaw, because how is she supposed to answer that?

« Why? »

Shelby studies her for a moment, a moment in which Toni feels a bad feeling sitting in her chest, as if Shelby is about to slap her or leave her for good.

And she really slaps her.

Toni brings her own hand to her cheek, right where Shelby’s hand smacked her, « What was that for? »

« I told you already. I’m not used to friendship. But you’re even worse than I am at this, apparently. »

« I don’t usually kiss my friends, Shelby. »

« But  _ do you want me to _ ? That’s what I’m fucking asking, Toni, do you want me to kiss you? »

Toni doesn’t have the mental faculties to consider how little Shelby swears, and how it brings even more impact when she does. She considers Shelby’s question, instead. If Shelby wasn’t wearing that distraught expression, Toni would have thought that was a test or something. A way to know if they were on the same page, or if Toni was crushing on her. But Shelby looks as if she wants it just as much.

So she just nods.

She nods and Shelby seems torn, as if wanting to ask her if she’s sure, but she discards the idea because she’s cupping both Toni’s cheeks, and she’s leaning in once more, their lips brushing.

Right now, the downside of Shelby’s  _ “There’s no reason to avoid things, in fear that one will lose them.” _ should hit Toni like a truck. Because launching oneself in things without second thoughts brings vulnerability, exposition, and Shelby’s lips taste just like that: vulnerability and exposition, but fuck, if Shelby’s hands don’t feel like steadiness and protection to fight precisely that, the sweetest combination Toni has ever witnessed in her life.

It’s tentative, at first, like most firsts are. With just lips touching, just a bit of pressure. It’s when Toni’s hands want Shelby to experiment that same steadiness and protection, or maybe just look for a reaction, and lay on Shelby’s back — that’s when from tentative it becomes passionate, and from passionate it becomes heated. Because Shelby is still standing up, while Toni is sitting with her legs spread to leave room for her. Shelby takes even more room than what Toni’s offering, pushing Toni a bit on the shoulders, until she’s laying on her back, and fuck, Shelby topping her brings an instant reaction, right  _ there _ .

Toni has never been a loud person, and it doesn’t even feel her own, when a moan escapes, and Shelby is interrupting the kiss just to  _ look  _ at her in that teasing way.

Thankfully, that’s what Toni needed, as she sticks to her thought that every moment is right for a joke, as she feels the tension leave her shoulders.

Before reprising, Shelby takes a good look at her. With lidded eyes and all, with the slightest of panting, with a tired and pleading and almost  _ scared  _ look. « It doesn’t have to mean anything. »

Toni wonders what her face looks like, what pushed Shelby to point that out. If it has anything to do with Toni’s expression, if perhaps that’s what Shelby is looking for. A hookup, curiosity to know what Toni is like in bed. If there’s a  _ “If you don’t want to” _ implicitly following that, or if it’s a  _ “Because I don’t want it to” _ instead.

And that vulnerability and exposition come back to bite Toni in the ass, right there, without the sweet dampening of Shelby’s lips.

But the damage is done, and if that’s what Shelby wants, Toni will give her everything she has.

It sounds a bit cliché, but it really isn’t like anything Toni has ever experienced before. Perhaps it’s because they trade jokes back and forth, because Toni is the kind of person who talks throughout it, and Shelby is the kind of person who lets her, and giggles at her jokes, and bites back.

It  _ feels  _ just like a celebration, everything considered.

And even if Shelby isn’t an expert on friendships, Toni knows she must be quite experienced in  _ that field _ , because-

« Oh my fuck. »

« Is that even a sentence? » Shelby laughs, and how can she look so relaxed when-

« Do you think- fuck, Shelby- do you think I can make a coherent- »

« It’s alright, you’re a sports major after all. »

Sports management actually, but Toni doesn’t even try to point that out, under Shelby’s merciless touch.

Even if it’s between jokes and chuckles, as if it wasn’t sex what they were having, but rather a game, seeing Shelby fall apart under her touch, well, that really is something else. It breaks the mood, it makes her transcend to whatever philosophical other-world Plato and his gang used to talk about, and right now, Toni feels like she’s seen everything she could, experienced everything there is to experience, and if there’s anything else, she doesn’t really care.

« So… »

Toni raises a brow, prompting Shelby to continue. « So? »

« Did you have this in mind all along? The no drinking rule and pretending to get ready for a party? »

There was no party, that much is true, but Toni is pretty sure she never threw that word around. Right now they’re walking somewhere to get something to eat, the makeup ritual and everything that followed long forgotten under the demands of their grumbling stomachs.

Weirdly enough, it almost feels as if nothing changed. As if it was possible to have  _ friendly sex _ .

Toni had that in her mind for a long time now, but she actually thought it’d never happen, so the appropriate answer should be no, she really wasn’t planning for their afternoon to go like that. Toni didn’t dare to daydream about it either, if anything.

« Perhaps. »

Shelby chuckles, before pointing at the place she wants to go in, in a very childish and cute way.

That feels so much like a first date. As if they entered in another dimension, when time was all over the place, and they were doing things backwards. Parenting first, then sex, then dinner.

When Toni walks Shelby to her room, they depart in the most polite way, as if they truly were in the fifties, and Toni was respecting Shelby’s curfew to be approved by her father.

It’s so absurd, both of them laugh.

And Shelby looks at Toni’s lips, Toni doesn’t miss that. But she looks up, and Toni just gives her a weird tight lips smile — what the fuck, Toni would smack her head against the wall right now — so Shelby gives her a little kiss on the cheek, before saying goodnight.

Toni’s dreams — despite all the material she now has for an accurate wet dream about Shelby Goodkind — are the most domestic and pg-7 they’ve ever been, holding a big red flag with both arms.

**day six**

Toni wakes up to an  _ “I wouldn’t mind it happening again.”  _ that morning, from Shelby.

Now that both their sessions are over, and they don’t have to recuperate any exams in the september session right before the start of the fourth year, they have plenty of spare time. Toni wonders if Shelby will visit her family in the summer, if the girls are planning a little cheap vacation, or if Toni is going to be stuck on campus for the next two months.

Even if Toni still has that like-like problem, which now is more like a fully developed crush, she has to admit that she wouldn’t mind it happening again. What harm can it do? If it remains that light and casual friendship sex — and yeah, it sounds as ridiculous in Toni’s mind — Toni wouldn’t really mind it happening again.

“yeah, i figured when you said ‘please toni dont stop’ ”

Toni goes through her morning routine with a bit more cheerfulness as usual. Even if she hasn’t seen them in forever, random images of their robot babies and the kindergarten kids still pop into Toni’s mind, prompted by random connections.

Like right now, as she’s putting her favourite sweatshirt on, and her fingers feel the texture of the seam Shelby did for her. She’s reminded of Holly, of Shelby’s attention, on the umpteenth daydream she had of being able to build a family.

Shelby’s reply draws her from the dark place she’s headed, following that mind path.

_ “Uh, excuse me, I’m pretty sure I never said that.” _ _  
_ _ “You, on the other hand…” _

This is easy, this Toni can do. Friendship and sexual innuendos. Is  _ that  _ happening again? Shelby texted as much. But was it a joke?

“what are you doing later?”

_ “I need to check my schedule.” _

Toni just rolls her eyes because, what a dork.

Toni thought they could have a little cooking session in one of their kitchens, because of the whole lecture Shelby gave her on kitchens slowly becoming optional, back when there still was Charlie.

But Toni has never cooked before, and that’s why she’s walking down the aisles of a supermarket next to Rachel, who was the only one free in the group.

She has that usual frown on her face, and Toni is pretty sure she’s mimicking it, and as Rachel is pushing the cart and Toni is reading the items on her list, Toni wonders how comical they must look from the outside eye. To grumpy young women with a half-empty cart, walking aimlessly with no list and no clue.

« Why did you agree to come? » Toni asks, as they’re looking for eggs. She has absolutely no idea what they’re going to cook, so she’s going for basic items.

« I needed to buy something for Leah. »

Toni nods, and it still feels odd how two people like them got to get together.

« How did you…? »

« Me and Leah? »

« Mh-mh. »

Rachel huffs a laugh, « Well. I met her in my first year here. We shared the literature course. I only had the first module, she had the advanced too. She was the best there, so I asked her to copy her notes, because my diving training overlapped with the class sometimes. »

« And what, you fell in love with her handwriting? »

Rachel looks at her with a dead-serious expression, to which Toni gulps. « Fuck, you did. »

« It was pretty, and her notes were filled with her thoughts on the margins, and after a while, I started writing replies below them. We started talking like that, and we just started dating after a while. »

That’s overly romantic, but Toni sure isn’t going to comment on that, her brain polluted by the romcoms Shelby forced her through.

« Didn’t know you could cook. » Rachel comments, to move the conversation somewhere else. Toni is glad she’s choosing this over silence, because amongst the group, Rachel is perhaps the one she’s bonded with the least.

« I don’t, actually. I’m hoping Shelby does. »

« Are you like, dating? »

Toni hates how she hesitates. « No. »

« But you are. »

« I said we are not. »

« Why not? »

« Why would we? »

« Because you like each other…? »

« Sure thing, did she tell you that? »

« Yeah. »

Toni takes a glance at her, and fuck, why did Rachel come, of all people?

« Don’t fucking mess with me, Reid. »

It’s a bit of an overreaction, she knows, but she can’t help feeling mocked right now.

Rachel pauses, before finishing her with a harsh: « I’m glad you’re so stupid. Shelby deserves better. »

On that, they agree.

Shelby loves it.

She’s all glistening eyes and « Toni, you didn’t! », and apparently Shelby has a passion for cooking. She takes her time standing beside Toni, teaching her how it’s done, and they’re making wraps now, apparently. It feels so much like that basketball date, which wasn’t a date, just as much as this one is not, but now Toni is in the learner’s shoes. And she, too, is a slow learner, when it comes to things that don’t come naturally to her.

It’s a bit cliché, how both of them end up covered in flour, as they wait for the flatbreads to cook, the filling waiting in a bowl.

Shelby eyes the door, then eyes her, bites her lip and takes a step towards her. That’s everything Toni needs, to connect the dots.

Vulnerability, exposition, red flags, family, crush, _ “Shelby deserves better.” _

« What are you doing? » slips past Toni’s mouth, suddenly serious, despite the night spent between jokes and giggles.

Shelby takes a step back, a slight confusion spreading on her features. « I thought- »

The oven’s alarm goes off, and Toni’s eyes snap at it, ready for any kind of distraction.

The little friction seems forgotten, as Shelby replaces the look of- rejection? She replaces that look with a slightly more plastic one, as if forcing herself to take a step back.

Toni feels awful, as they eat between cordial exchanges.

« Do you want to come in? » Shelby asks, but she looks as if she knows what’s coming. As if the periodically lunatic Toni is back, and Shelby has to make peace with it, waiting for normal Toni to come back.

Well, fuck it. Toni never signed up for this.

« Sure. »

Shelby looks surprised, but aware, careful, as she takes a step aside so that Toni can walk further into the room.

« It’s fine, if you want last time to be a one-time thing- »

Shelby starts, and Toni doesn’t know what pushes her to, but she’s taking a step forward, and her lips are crashing against Shelby’s, parted for the speech.

« I should have asked. Fuck, I’m sorry. » Is everything Toni says, forcing herself to break it, trying to grasp why the fuck she just did that. Where that came from, what pushed her to. It all just feels confused. Rachel’s “ _ Shelby deserves better _ ”, Regan’s  _ “One little match and you catch fire” _ .   
But also Shelby’s  _ “Make the most out of it.” _ , Martha’s  _ “You look like you have great chemistry” _ , Fatin’s “ _ She’s into you _ ”, Dot’s “ _ Is it love birds season? _ ”, hell, even Ms. Klein’s “ _ If it isn’t my favourite future parents _ ”.

Shelby places her hands behind Toni’s neck, pulling her in, showing her with actions that she has her consent.

And with that, it happens again.

Not between jokes and giggles, but with all the seriousness Toni found walking for the first time in a church, next to Shelby. With the seriousness she never expected to find in parenting fake robots. With the seriousness Shelby deserves, and Toni isn’t sure she can give her, but she tries, just that one time.

When it’s over, the dressing back up ritual is quiet. As if they both know that didn’t really feel just like a casual hookup, not while they both worked each other up, and the synchrony wasn’t something they planned, but it just happened and it only felt even more surreal.

Toni turns around, legs still a bit shaking, even more confused than before, and for whatever stupid reason, so, so _ lost. _

« Uh, I’ll see you tomorrow? For service. » Toni doesn’t know why she feels like justifying herself, like they haven’t been hanging out aimlessly as friends for the past half-year.

Shelby raises a brow, but there’s no amusement behind it. Just plain curiosity, and perhaps concern too. « You can stay, if you want. » she says, which has Toni stopping on her feet, halfway to the door.

She turns around, and Shelby has a hopeful note to the concern she’s still showing. Toni has no idea what she wants from her, and she’s this close to asking, but she knows that Shelby will return her question, and the thing is, Toni doesn’t want to think about what she wants from Shelby. She wishes her company could be enough, and perhaps that’s the romantic way to be, but Toni is avid, and when she falls in love — well, fuck, the word is out and there’s no taking back now — she gets dangerous. Absorbing, possessive, jealous, intense. Like a birch bark. And she has to get away from here.

« I’m good, thanks. »

She doesn’t know what possesses her when, one foot out, hand on the doorknob, she turns around, and she throws her words as if they were knives. « But I wouldn’t mind that happening again. »

Forcing Shelby back to just a body. The same Shelby she just admitted to herself she’s fallen in love with, reduces to a body to use and throw away.

Shelby just stares at her.

And Toni really hopes someone could help her out of this.

**day one, week twenty-two**

They became official fuckfriends, somewhere during week twenty. After a brief avoidance, this one time on Shelby’s part, probably getting to terms with whatever revelation she had after Toni’s detachment. The third time felt more similar to their first casual hookup, with less humor and more anger, and for some reason, Toni loved that just as much. The fourth time was peace-making, and by the fifth, they were back cracking jokes. Pretending their little lovemaking accident to be forgotten, albeit still very present in Toni’s mind.

Toni gets Shelby’s message before she checks her emails.

_ “Did you read it???” _

Three question marks, that must be huge.

“read what”

_ “Ms. Klein’s email!!!” _

That’s the third thing Toni does that morning, after making her bed, opening the windows, and pooping.

Coffee in hand, in front of the laptop, she starts reading it.

It’s been forwarded to them from Ms. Klein, the object is “M.U. annual exposition” and the addressees are just Toni and Shelby.

_ “Good Morning Ms. Klein, _

_ I’m Susan Anderson, M.U’s public relations manager. _ _  
_ _ I’m writing to you to officially invite you to the annual exposition of the company, as academic representative of your university, to share your experience with our company. _ _  
_ _ As per usual, you’re encouraged to bring two students of your parenting course along. _

_ Best Regards, _ _  
_ _ Susan Anderson” _

Ms. Klein didn’t even bother to add anything below it, for she’s the kind of professor who would reply with a “k” sent from their iPhone at three in the morning to an email a student has worked on for three days.

So, she writes Shelby first.

“do we accept?”

_ “Free vacation? Sign me up” _ _  
_ _ “Nothing to comment on the sender???” _

Toni missed reading it, for some reason.

She feels like having a whiplash, while reading:

_ mommysuniverse@techcompany.com _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end is the stupid plot twist ive been waiting since chapter 2


	12. technicolor

**day seven, week twenty-four**

They’re in Ms. Klein’s car that afternoon, and thank god it’s just a two hours drive, because Toni is having a whiplash.

First of all, attending service with Shelby was as annoying as always, so Sundays became Toni’s least favourite days so far, under that light.

Then, after Toni and Shelby wrote back to Ms. Klein to tell her they’d come, Ms. Klein just told them to meet her at six pm outside of the campus, no indication of the means of transport. Because M.U- no,  _ mommysuniverse — _ and again, what the actual fuck — was such a wealthy company, Toni expected a private bus or something to pick them up.

But no, they were now seated in Ms. Klein’s car, and Shelby left her the passenger seat purposefully, that bitch. Toni makes a mental note to get back to her, in a way or another.

« So, how long have you two been a couple? » Ms. Klein asks them, first thing, as soon as she starts the engine.

Toni opens her mouth to explain the situation, because they’re  _ friends _ , and they became friends without little effort. There’s no need to point out the “with benefit” part, not to their fifty years old teacher.

But Shelby anticipates her: « Actually, it’s been so long, I don’t even remember. Right, darling? »

Toni turns her head one-eighty just like an owl, because, what. Shelby just looks at her with shining eyes and brows wiggling once, as if to challenge her. And sure, it’s going to be a two hours drive, but how come Shelby is already bored enough to play that move on her.

Toni drags her words out as if she was constipated. « Right,  _ darling _ . »

« C’mon, don’t be shy! When did you first meet? »

Ms. Klein eyes Shelby through the rearview mirror, and Toni takes that as a sign to let Shelby on with whatever story she’ll come up with.

« Do you want to tell the story,  _ pumpkin pie _ ? »

What the fuck? Toni’s mouth twists involuntarily, because what kinda pet name is that. Besides she has zero creativity, so she picks hers from her teenage fangirl years: « It’s fine, you’re better at it,  _ cupcake _ . »

« Alright. So, Toni has always been quite a religious person- »

That’s it. Toni tries to cover her snort under a cough, that by Ms. Klein’s concerned expression, must have sounded realistic enough.

Toni glances outside, soon out of the city, tall dark green trees surrounding the road. From the wing mirror she sees Shelby’s figure, and if she turns her head, every once in a while, she’s met with eyes deeper than those leaves.

And if she tries hard enough, it almost feels as if Shelby’s story was true.

They grabbed dinner at a fast-food restaurant, much to both girls’ surprise, and by the time they got to the hotel, Toni realized how Shelby’s little game cost them their privacy.

« A single room and a double. » Ms. Klein said, without consulting either of them, at the receptionist, who just handed her the two keys without second thoughts.

That’s how they end up with Ms. Klein wishing them a good night in the creepiest way possible, leaving both of them in a double-bed bedroom.

« Why are you standing there like that? » Is what drags Toni out of her trance, and Toni registers Shelby already setting her little suitcase in a corner, taking her things off as if they were going to stay there for a month. It was just three days, and Toni’s stuff was contained in her backpack, and there it needed to remain until back to campus.

« It’s not like we’ve never slept together before. » Shelby delivers that line looking at her through her shoulder, from her bent position, arching her back a little and smirking. And, well, this time Toni knows the double meaning is intended to be heavy.

Toni could tell her. That they have had meaningless sex before, except for once, and that they have slept in the same bed before, but not in an intimate way, except, that too, for once. And both times it felt too much. Overwhelming, with the possibility of getting attached to something so intoxicating and yet so calming. Something Toni would give her life up for, something that screams ‘ _ protect her’ _ and ‘ _ keep me close’ _ inside her head every passing moment.

Toni could tell her that if anything is gonna happen tonight, Toni might not bear it. Because they’re not in Shelby’s or Toni’s room, where the magic of familiarity happens, and if they want to, it can be casual. That’s a foreign territory, a neutral land, somewhere Toni could get so close to breaking down and spill how fucking in love she found herself with Shelby.

« You’re right. » Toni answers, with a fake laugh.

Shelby knows her better than herself, because that night, all she does, is holding her gently.

**day one, week twenty-five**

It’s even worse than Toni imagined.

Big expensive screens everywhere, artificial lights, huge spaces, crowds of pregnant people, people with little toddlers in their arms, some of them keeping the ones who could walk already on leash. Little families everywhere.

They have a seat on three reserved spots on the third row, in front of them a little stage, as the gathering is being presented.

A woman introduces herself as Alycia, the founder of Mommysuniverse corporation, and Toni can’t believe this fucking woman holds so much power. It all feels like a fever dream, but she doesn’t really feel it in her to be too crazy over it. As if a weird calmness washed her, and she was ready to accept the absurdity of that parallel reality.

She’s charismatic, she holds the audience with wit and humor, she’s a feminist, a mother, a businesswoman, but still Toni has no idea why the fuck Shelby and her are sitting there. What are they even supposed to do.

It’s Alycia herself, when she greets Ms. Klen — with a « Gretchen! It’s been so long! », and now Toni has one more useless information in her brain — during lunch.

Shelby immediately extends her hand as soon as Alycia lays her eyes on her, and she is still a teacher’s pet, Toni can’t help but smile to herself.

Once the little round of introduction is done, Alycia tells them that tomorrow they’re asked to show their presentation and give a little speech on it.

Toni just nods, lips tight in a fake smile, while Shelby looks thrilled.

« You know that our presentation is full of Ellie’s poop pictures and we’re gonna show it to hundreds of rich prissy people. »

« Toni, Toni.  _ Darling _ . » Toni rolls her eyes, because Shelby could drop the act, now that they’re in the safety — or un-safety, for how Shelby is getting close at a weirdly slow pace, dragging her feet — of their hotel room.

Toni is sitting in the center of the ridiculously wide bed, while Shelby was just folding the outfit for the next day on the chair in the corner.

« You know what you need? » Shelby asks, crawling on the bed too, and really, she should consider acting, if education goes south.

« To fix the presentation? »

« A massage. »

Toni snorts, but when Shelby eyes the mattress eloquently, Toni just lets confusion lead her expression. Shelby is a usually laid-back and optimistic person, Toni has learned that by now, but during this trip it just seemed as if every single one of Shelby’s concerns were magically lifted off her shoulders. And Toni hates how she still can’t read Shelby. If she really is relaxed, for whatever reason, or if she’s pulling a fake facade ever since Toni’s harsh words.

Shelby’s eyes go a little wide, indicating with a bit more insistence at the proposal. « C’mon, lay down! »

Toni just does because, fuck it, if Shelby wants to give herself back pain for bending over Toni for a stupid massage then she can as well do it.

Turns out, Shelby is pretty good at this.

Toni has never been able to distinguish when her anxiety was just anxiety, when it was anger, and when the two overlapped. That’s perhaps one of the highest points of contrast between her and Shelby, as she has much more control than Toni. And apparently, Shelby’s hands can control and mould Toni’s anxiety for the upcoming silly presentation through their relaxing touch.

« Where did you learn this? » Toni asks, her words sounding a bit slurred, cheek pressed against the pillow.

« Becca taught me. My- the friend I told you about. »

Toni doesn’t mean to sound harsh, but all her filters have melted under Shelby’s hands, « The one you lost? »

There’s a bit of silence, to which a sad: « Mh-mh. » follows.

Toni sighs, and she tries to get up, but Shelby holds her in place, one hand between her shoulder blades. Toni wonders if not having Toni’s eyes on her is helping, and she just says there, as Shelby’s massage turns more into lazy stroking, that Toni loves just as much.

« You never told me the full story. » Toni offers, with the quietest voice she can. « If you want to tell me, that is. »

Perhaps it’s the foreign territory, the neutral land, but Shelby does, and she tells Toni everything she’s asking. How Shelby had a crush on Becca, Becca’s troubles, how Shelby was raised, how she couldn’t pursue her feelings. How she did, despite everything, and her parents found out. How Shelby was scared, and she said terrible things to Becca. How Becca took her own life. How Shelby got even more scared, reading it as a sign of god, and threw herself in her boyfriend’s arm. Drunk and desperate, giving him what he’d been asking with insistence. How Shelby got pregnant, during her last year of high school. How « That isn’t something you can hide, like one’s sexuality. », how her parents were furious. How Shelby couldn’t take it anymore, and how the scholarship became her way out. The abortion, the regret, making peace with it.

Shelby delivers the story with the natural sadness a fresh cut brings, but with the control only a person with hope has. Toni wonders if religion helped, with that.

« I’m not gonna pretend I understand it. » Toni starts, once Shelby wrapped her confession up with a chuckle. « But I’m grateful you told me all that. »

Even if Toni doesn’t always understand Shelby, her cheery attitude, so similar to Martha’s under many aspects, Toni is very grateful for her company. For the constant choice Shelby makes in spending time with her.

And because there’s no alcohol in the room, and Toni senses that opening an old cut needs medication after, so Toni offers the only thing she has.

Looking at her from her shoulder, Toni offers her attention and her time, the opportunity to pass Becca’s heritage to someone else. « I wouldn’t mind learning. »

« We’d need a third person. »

« There’s  _ Gretchen _ . »

Shelby twists her face in horror, before both of them burst out in a laugh.

With the shifting of the mood, a small smile on Toni’s lips, Toni sits up. « Lay down. You’ll tell me what to do. »

Just as with cooking, Toni isn’t a fast learner in that field either. But Shelby is small talking, and Toni loves to hear it, just as much as she loves being able to touch Shelby in that not-sexual, affection-charged way.

**day two**

« So, this is Tommy. »

Toni feels so fucking awkward. No one told her she had to actually stand on the stage, next to Shelby, with a microphone.

Last night she did not fix the presentation.

Shelby is dealing with the talking bit, as Toni just goes through the slides, according to when Shelby seems to finish with the one they’re currently on. Alycia presented Ms. Klein first, who explained how she kept in touch with past students who are now excellent parents, thanks to her parenting course and to mommysuniverse tech. Then Ms. Klein called Shelby and her on stage, and here they are.

Shelby is sporting her best pageant smile, a confidence Toni can’t help but admire, while she shares little anecdotes that make her sound like a selling manager.

« And I’m telling you, no one prepared me for the rhythm Ellie demanded, the first few days. » She says, amongst the other millions of « I’m thankful for the training. » and « I’m grateful for the useful experience », going even as far as, « When I’ll have a kid, I know they’ll thank me. No, they’ll thank mommysuniverse. » 

It’s fucking ridiculous, and Toni tries to hide her smile, because why the hell is Shelby so into it. It’s that playful side that boredom gets out of her, which Toni hasn’t seen often, but would love to know. It’s exaggerated just to the right point, to where Toni is quite sure the audience is wondering if she’s ironic too, while Alycia and Ms. Klein look elated.

Toni is also glad to hear the ‘when’. “ _ When _ I’ll have a kid”. Not an if, not a perhaps. Toni wonders if that’s part of the game too, or if Shelby truly has made peace with her past, from that “We’ll see”, months ago.

**day three**

They don’t need to stay for the final ceremony. Ms. Klein tells them as much, but Ms. Klein is their ride back to campus, so they’re surely not going to walk back on their feet.

Toni doesn’t feel like sitting on her ass the whole day either, so she asks Shelby if she wants to visit the town with her, during breakfast.

Shelby shows her that thousand-watt smile, which makes Toni’s heart leap.

« Did we get lost? »

Toni would like to hear Shelby tell her that she knows exactly where they are, as they’ve been walking for an hour or so by the lakeside, the sun high in the sky, no packed lunch.

« I have two dollars. » Shelby replies, which isn’t comforting in the slightest.

But the sun is gently kissing her, through the clouds and the faint fog, and it’s warm but it’s a little windy, and Shelby’s clothes shift under the air’s pressure.

Toni keeps walking by her side.

Shelby looks at her, after a few minutes of silence. « Wanna take a bath? »

« It’s freezing. »

Shelby rolls her eyes, « It’s fifteen degrees. »

« Exactly. »

But Shelby changes direction, stepping off the wooden path to walk on the lake’s shore.

Toni can only follow her, and she feels the pointy stones even through her shoes.

Shelby takes her shirt off, and Toni means it: it’s quite cold already, and she doesn’t really think it’s a great idea. Not when they got lost, not when they’re quite far from campus, not when Shelby managed to catch a cold in spring already.

But Shelby walks closer to her, and grabs the hem of Toni’s shirt between her fingers, with an unspoken ask of permission.

Shelby’s eyes are greener than they’ve ever been, if that makes any sense, and their colour almost feels like a promise. Like a hope symbolism.

« It’s not that cold. » Shelby says, raspy and low, as if she didn’t mean to say it out loud.

« But you have poor health. »

« You took care of me just fine. »

Toni doesn’t know if it’s all in her head, or if Shelby knows what she’s doing. Showing Toni how Shelby is trusting her, despite her common sense, despite the environment, despite what she’s been taught.

So Toni takes her shirt off, and they jump in together.

If Shelby’s squeals are anything to go by, Toni knows that she isn’t the only one who thinks it’s way too cold, and the water isn’t as romantic as them.

They find their way back to the hotel. The sun is setting, and they haven’t eaten anything, but the dinner is in a few hours, so they choose to head to their room instead.

« Did you know it takes approximately 50,000 litres of water to produce 1kg of beef? »

Toni should have gotten used to Shelby’s random information sharing, but still it takes her a moment and a « So? », while both of them are untying their shoes at the entrance.

« “So”? That’s  _ a lot  _ of water. »

« I’m not turning vegan. »

« I’m not vegan either. It still takes 1,010 litres to produce 1kg of wheat,2,200 for soybeans and 2,385 for rice. »

Toni doesn’t even ask her how the hell she remembers all those random numbers, as she’s pretty sure no education course is on diet sustainability.

« Is this something dinner-related? Because we haven’t eaten since breakfast and honestly if there’s meat, I’m gonna eat it. » Toni takes the last shoe off, before stretching her back a bit. « Besides, if you don’t eat any meat and any wheat, you might as well not drink water and die. »

Shelby rolls her eyes, but Toni really thinks she made a point, and is this what existentialism is about? Toni has never been much of a philosopher, never seen a point in the discipline either, but now it feels as if everything starts making sense. « Might as well not even take a bath. Stay stinky with sweat. »

« Toni. »

« Yes? »

Shelby looks as amused as unimpressed, as she takes her shirt off, right there. And sure, they’ve been fuckfriends for a month and a half now, but never with clothes off. So it’s only natural that Toni feels a bit like dying, breath catching in her throat, eyes ready to take everything they can.

« I meant that we might as well take a bath together. »

It sounds innocent enough, and that unsettles Toni even more. Because it means it’s not meant to make them shift in that light and casual mood, the one where sure, they’re still friends, but a plastic kind of friends. Friends who need the other for egotistical purposes, and after they’re done, they’re  _ alone _ , in a sense. Hence why there’s never cuddles after.

It unsettles Toni because it feels closer to the few cuddles sessions they had. Where her loneliness disappeared, as if Shelby’s mere presence was an antidote strong enough, and they imperceptibly slipped into that other dimension, that kind of relationship who couldn’t be codified under the name of friendship, but not even traditional romance either. It was closer to being Shelby’s person, in a sense. Finding herself in Shelby, knowing that there was a reserved little space for her.

And, fuck, Toni never ever belonged anywhere. Not a stable home, not a stable relationship. The one with Martha only worked because of Martha being one of those kind, kind people.

And Shelby was too, sure, but there still was something else. The certainty that even if Martha was Toni’s best friend, a title no one else could ever have, Martha wasn’t really Toni’s person, despite what they often repeated. Because now Toni was tasting for the first time what it might mean to belong in someone’s heart.

And, yeah, that was a bit too much, wasn’t it.

So Toni just lets out a small « Sure. », as she takes her shirt off too, and follows Shelby in the bathroom. Shelby who turns the hot water on, waiting for the bathtub to fill. Shelby who turns around and speaks as if they were in the most common situation.

« I’ve always wanted to try a bomb bath. »

« It’s not like they’re expensive. »

« They’re not a necessity, that’s why I haven’t bought them yet. »

Toni picks something about Shelby, right then, and perhaps that’s the reason behind the projector too. As if Shelby walked in life a bit restricted, as if she was a host and needed to behave.

It was weird, thinking about it, how they got this far. Shelby, being the people pleaser she was, and Toni, being antisocial as she is. Yet it only makes sense, as only Shelby could dig deep in her like that.

Shelby carries on her undressing procedure, during which Toni wouldn’t like to be too obvious, but she purposefully waits before undressing herself, not to lose the sight. Shelby smiles fondly at her, without any malice, and again, it deeply unsettles Toni. As there’s no trace of anything sexual, but rather deep vulnerability, and an unspoken promise lingering in the air.

It feels a bit like one of the very few memories Toni has of her mother. When she used to wash Toni’s hair with her hands, because the power of the showerhead was too strong, just like Shelby is doing right now.

But, fuck, even then, Toni can’t remember her mother looking at her with half the  _ love  _ Shelby is showing right now.

She doesn’t realize she’s crying. Not until Shelby passes her thumbs on Toni’s cheeks, and Toni finds the motion a bit strange, as she’s washed her face already. The burning in her throat should have been an indication, the itchiness behind her eyes too, but it’s Shelby’s soft « _ Oh, Toni. _ » and her gentle hands pulling her in an embrace, that has Toni realize it fully.

She hasn’t cried in years, and fuck, all that pent up loneliness is bursting out all of a sudden, under the little sign of its healing. By Shelby’s gentle hands, and her kind eyes, and her tender ways.

Toni holds her back, and it feels very close to the moment it all shifted. To that time Shelby first cried, when she was sick and Toni was showing her the half-made presentation. The first time she heard Becca’s name, and perhaps, Shelby has just as much unhealed loneliness in herself. Perhaps that’s precisely why it’s only Shelby who seems to truly get her. Because Martha has had her mother, and she has always had many friends, despite everything she’s been through. Her traumas and scars muffled by her strong relationship network, right under her, like a safe trampoline.

It feels safe in Shelby’s arms. And it feels like jumping, too. Exhilarating and where she’s supposed to be.

Opposite to what happened the first time Toni whispered those words, shyly, in Regan’s ear, she retracts a bit from Shelby’s embrace, torsos still touching, to get lost in her impossibly green eyes.

« Are you alright? » Shelby asks, with soft words, that Toni takes away, in an even softer kiss.

« I think I’m in love with you. » 

She hears and feels Shelby laughing: against her own body, the laugh reverberating within Toni too.

« I’m in love with you too. »

Sleeping with each other, that night, feels like the first actual time, despite the month and a half that just went by.

**day four**

« I meant it. »

In front of Shelby’s room, once they come back to campus and thank Ms. Klein for the (awful) opportunity, Toni feels compelled to specify it. Because they’ve had a history of miscommunication, so she needs to say it once more.

Shelby frowns a bit. « You mean it… that we’re having dinner together? »

Perhaps saying it out of the blue, right after another topic, brought a bit of confusion.

« No, I mean- yes, that too. But, I meant to say that I mean it. » Toni is getting lost in her own words, « What I said yesterday. In the bathtub. » Adds the last specification with an uneasy expression, because she feels stupid saying that out loud, but still Shelby chuckled.

« I know, Toni, I meant it too. »

Shelby’s light chuckles, for once, don’t ease Toni’s tension.

« I meant- _ meant _ it. »

Shelby looks borderline confused and amused, « I meant-meant it too…? Can you even half-mean things? »

So Toni pulls her in a kiss. Not like those that precede their meaningless times together, but those which wifes give their husbands right before going to work, or fiancés give to loved ones right before taking the train and leaving for months.

That outdated metaphor feels fitting as ever, because, well, what if Shelby doesn’t mean-mean it? What if she loves Shelby with less than half the intensity that Toni feels for her? That’s the train, for her.

When they break their kiss, Shelby cups Toni’s cheeks, before specifying: « I’d like to take you out on a date, Toni Shalifoe. A date  _ people with romantic interests _ go to. »

That is explicit enough for her.

« You have a romantic interest in me? »

Shelby doesn’t hold her laugh back, « It’s kind of endearing, but I really can’t tell if you’re joking right now. »

« Of course it was a joke. » Toni tries to save the remaining of her face, because, for how long have Shelby’s jokes not just joke at all?

Toni’s mind feels like running a thousand miles per minute, but Shelby’s touch steadies her, and breathing in her neck, despite having her eyes closed, Toni feels like seeing in technicolour for the first time.

**day three, week two hundred and something**

Toni keeps looking at it, just like she kept looking at the mickey mouse band-aid, back then.

She keeps looking at their wedding ring, and every time she looks at it for so long, she feels the exact same feelings she had in that bathtub.

« Does it bother you? » She asks Shelby, looking at her across the table she’s smart-working from.

« Subject, Toni. »

« You’re teaching English now? » Shelby rolls her eyes, but Toni clarifies: « Does it bother you that you didn’t marry in the church? »

Shelby just shrugs, « It’s too early for organized religion to learn what I learned in my early twenties. So no, it doesn’t bother me. I still got to see you in a three-piece suit. » 

The smirk Shelby offers her sends butterflies in Toni’s stomach, because Shelby hasn’t lost her flirting bite, and Toni still hasn’t gotten used to it.

**day six, week three hundred and something**

« Toni, you had one job! »

Shelby’s distressed voice reaches her from above the stairs, and Toni’s gaze immediately finds Joshua’s, as they share a look of pure horror.

« Mama’s mad? »

Toni tries not to dwell too much on the warmth Joshua’s appellative brought, and just offers him a tight-lipped smile. « I think she is. »

« What did you do this time? »

Toni chuckles, because that kid sure is smart, and soon enough Shelby is downstairs looking dishevelled, with a baby girl in her arms.

« You need to change Helena’s diaper. » 

Just with that, she drops her in Toni’s arms, and Toni can surely smell that she needs to be changed. Toni still thinks she’s a bit old to be still wearing the diaper instead of using potty, since she’s three now. Still, Toni leaves Joshua to finish The Prince of Egypt on his own, while she acts on her duties as an actual mother. She kisses Shelby on the cheek, while she walks past her, as a little apology for her laziness.

If twenty one Toni would have seen her now, she would have laughed in her face. Toni Shalifoe, a parent of two kids? No thanks. Married to Shelby Goodkind? She would have asked to have whatever you’re having right now.

And twenty-seven years old Toni would have given it to her, and would have told her to get her shit together, because yes, Shelby liked her back since week one, you dummy.

**day two, week one thousand and something**

« I have to choose an optional course- » Toni hears Joshua’s voice through Shelby’s phone speakers. Toni chuckles to herself, because she has the volume so high as if she had an hearing problem. If it’s this bad in her forties, Toni can only imagine how it’ll be hard to communicate with her, as they grow older.   
Because they still have miscommunication problems. And because they’re going to grow older together.

« -and one of them is called “parenting course”. It sounds easy enough, I was thinking about picking that one. »

Toni’s head turns one-eighty, as she shares a look of horror with Shelby, who just looks amused.

Toni checks the cookies she allowed mommysuniverse.com to steal on her phone, to see if “sacrifice your son” is amongst them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we made it! thank you for every feedback, it was very nice to read the comments :)


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